Eine Kleine Schreckmusik

Insomnia strikes, I try to bore myself to sleep with Youtube... and what do I find, but mini-horror movie as the video for Blind Guardian's cover of "Mr. Sandman."



Pretty spooking stuff. I give it a rating of Ten Monstrous Clowns out of Ten. :)

Blind Guardian is a German metal band that's been around since the mid-1980s, and they pretty much single-handedly gave rise to the German metal scene. They've often been imitated and lampooned, but never equaled. Of particular interest to readers of this blog might be that the lyrics for their songs, written mostly by front-man Hansi Kursch, are often inspired by fantasy and horror literature.

Their best albums over the years have been "Tales from the Twilight World" (1990), "The Forgotten Tales" (1996), "A Night at the Opera" (2002), and their most recent effort "At the Edge of Time" (2010). (The video featured above was originally produced to promote "The Forgotten Tales", an album that's half quirky cover tunes.

'Purvos' is one to pass over

Purvos (2006)
Starring: Dave Workman, Stephani Heise, Nathan Day, Conrad Brooks, and Natasha Rogers
Director: Jerry Williams
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

When a sleep disorder researcher (Heise) starts finding similarities between the dreams of several patients--including her own ex-lover (Rogers)--she starts to believe there may be a paranormal connection. Her investigation eventually leads her to a deadly confrontation with a serial killer (Workman).

"Purvos" is one of these shot-on-video productions that has amateur written all over it. It's one of those films made with more love than skill, so I find myself hesitating to pan it--and therefore review it.

However, "Purvos" is available both in the "Demented Deviants" and the "Tomb of Terror" DVD multipacks from Pendulum Pictures, and as a stand-alone DVD from Brain Damage Films. Someone other than the filmmakers obviously believes this film is worthwhile, and I can't bring myself to agree with them. So, I feel like warning those who haven't been exposed to it yet.

At its best, "Purvos" rises to the level of solid mediocrity. The camerawork, editing, lighting, any other technical aspect of the film are average for what I've come to expect from filmmaking at this level. In fact, the editing is slightly below average, but I think this stems from a problem with the director rather than the editor, as I more than once had a sense that veteran film actor Conrad Brooks was repeating himself during a scene so the best delivery of a line could be included, but instead the repetition is included in the film.

Where things start getting really bad is the acting. Universally, the acting is of the sort I'd expect to find in a community theatre production, not in a movie. In fact, most of the actors are delivering their lines as if they on a stage. Almost every performance is stiff and unnatural... and, frankly, feel more like they are rehearsals than final, film-ready performances.

Of course, the bad acting may not entirely be the fault of the actors. The film features some pretty awful dialogue. It's not quite the worse I've ever encountered, but it is close. Perhaps if the dialogue had sounded more like the way people talk instead of sounding like it came from the first draft of a story submitted to a fiction workshop.

But the bad dialogue is only part of what drags "Purvos" down from being a standard amateur horror production to being barely worth watching. In fact, the rest of the script makes the bad dialogue seem like it's not that big an issue. We've got bad pacing, badly motivated characters, badly explained or utterly worthless plot elements, and a non-ending that makes no sense anyway you choose to look at it.

I think the most frustrating things about this film is that the two worst elements of the script and the way the film is executed could have been the most interesting parts of the film. There are good ideas somewhere here, but they are so badly executed that it's hard to recognize even their potential.

The worst of the badness is the mad slasher, Uncle Max/Purvos (played by Dave Workman with gusto but not terribly convincing). How/why is his causing nightmares in his niece? Why does he want to kill her? Why is his backstory so damn trite that it would have been best if it had been left out all together? The supernatural tie-in here--manifested by some sort of psychic link between Uncle Max and one of his intended victims--could have been a saving grace for the picture, but it remains mostly unused and it's completely pointless in the overall flow of the picture. (There is a far more plausible path included in the film to involve the film's main character in the events than she's uncovered some sort of pyschic activity.)

The second worst is the character of Professor Jessup (played by Conrad Brooks with... um... I'm not quite sure with what, but something involving 80-proof comes to mind). In the first place, his character is a worth appendage to the film, almost as if it was inserted after what passes for the script was written and someone said, "Hey... my dad knows Conrad Brooks, and he's going to be in town for the weekend, and he wants to be in our movie!" And, to make matters worse, his character is featured in a nonsensical ending that I'm sure is intended to be some sort of twist. But it's not. It's just bad. Yet, if this part had been better written and more tied to the story of the film, this could have been place to fully develop the supernatural angle of the story.

In final analysis, "Purvos" is a film that's barely worth watching. It's harmless filler in the 50-movie collection "Tomb of Terror", but it's bound to be drag on the value of your movie-watching dollar in the "Demented Deviants" set, and it's certainly not worth whatever the price for the stand-alone DVD is as a purchase or a rental.

'When Evil Calls' isn't much past its novelty

When Evil Calls (2007)
Starring: Jennifer Lim, Sean Pertwee, Chris Barrie, Lois Winston, Gemma Chan, Lucy Barker, Dominique Pinon, Rick Warden, Oscar Pearce and Luke Lynch
Director: Johannes Roberts
Rating: Four of Ten Stars

A deal that one girl (Lim) makes with an evil spirit (Pearce) unleashes death and mayhem via text messages in a British high school.


"When Evil Calls" is a film version of the first-ever horror series produced for broadcast over cellphones. Each of the 20 episodes was 2-3 minutes long, offering up sex and gory violence brought on by evil magic--magic that causes wishes to come true in twisted and bloody ways. Here, they have been linked together with framing sequences featuring Sean Pertwee as a crazy janitor who is relating the horrible events and trying to be more and more like the Crypt Keeper as he gets more and more drunk.

Given its history, I acknowledge it as a novelty and probably even as a milestone. However, as a movie--and this is how I came to it and how most people will come to it--"When Evil Calls" is a run-of-the-mill low-budget horror effort with predictable and/or far-fetched stories that we've seen done better elsewhere, but which manages to rise slightly above similar material due to a better-than-usual cast. (Chris Barrie was particularly fun as the most oblivous school headmaster ever.)

However, when they were cutting the movie together, they should have trimmed parts of the original episodes. There was an annoying repetion in the film--over and over again, it established the content of text message recieved by victims of the evil magic received, something even the dimmest viewer would be aware of after the third or fourth time. I understand why that detail has to be reestablished every time a new episode is released in a serial, but there's no need for it when the pieces are packaged as a whole.

It also occurs to me that a better title for the film (and the original series) would have been "When Evil Texts". That is, after all, what is going on.

As a curiosity, the film might be worth seeing. Otherwise, I'm sure there are better things out there for you to spend your time on.

Evil Clown knocks them dead in 'Torment'

Torment (2008)
Starring: Suzi Lorraine, Tom Steadman, Ted Alderman and Lucien Eisenach
Director: Steve Sessions
Rating: Five of Ten Stars

A young woman (Lorraine) is released from a mental hospital into the care of her alcoholic husband. The two go to an isolated house so she can continue her recovery and they can renew their relationship in a quiet environment. Unfortunately for them, a psycho in a clown costume (Eisenach) is capturing and torturing people in the area.


This movie was hard for me to assign a rating to. While there is much about it that I like, there is much I don't like. It's one of the better psycho clown movies I've seen, but it's got some serious flaws.

Suzi Lorraine gives an interesting performance as Lauren, a former mental patient who spots a psychotic killer as he picks out his next victim, but who is disbelieved due to her history of mental illness. The way the script sets up the chain of events that leads Lauren into the worst possible danger is well executed and her confrontation with the Killer Clown (called Dissecto in the credits but unnamed in the film istself) is very suspenseful. Unfortunately, these strong parts of the movie are undermined and outweighed by the weak parts.

"Torment" feels like its two halfbaked scripts that have been combined into one film. They weren't necessarily BAD scripts... they're just unpolished and they work against each other and ultimately end up undermining what suspense and tension they could have produced if they had been two different movies.

The clunky dialogue at times made up for by some well done lines, and the few overlong and even redundant scenes in the film are likewise counterbalanced by some truly creepy, scary and startling moments. (For example, the repeatative expository scenes and dialogue of the fact that Lauren is fresh out of mental hospital are annoying, but they are more than made up for the scene where Dissecto invades her home, or when she is hiding in his.) As far as this goes, the good counterbalances the bad.

However, the way the film makes it crystal clear from the outset that Lauren isn't hallucinating the spooky clown lurking in the bushes-- the extended scenes of him torturing a pair of missing Mormon missionaries is most definately not something she's imagining--and so there is no real tension produced by the "is she crazy or isn't she" question... although it does make her husband come across like a grade-A asshole. If you're into "torture porn", I suppose you might enjoy those aforementioned scenese of Dissecto performing for and upon his victimes, but I'm too squeamish for that sort of thing--having recently experienced my own encounter with excruciating pain has made that sort of material hard for me to watch--but the sloppy costuming of the "Mormons" can't be anything but a strike against the movie. (It's bad enough one of the "Mormons" had a shaved head, but none of their missionaries would EVER sport a soul patch/jazz dot!)

Bad costuming (and the sloppy direction that allows it to happen aside) it's the absolute certainty the audience has of Dissecto's existence that undermines Lauren's story. It makes us dislike her husband to a disproportionate degree and it makes everything leading up to her encounter with Dissecto feel like it goes on and on, because we know the real action won't start until he dispatches the husband and starts stalking her.


And that's too bad. Suzi Lorraine gives an good performance, but my impatience with wanting the movie to get to where the real action was made it hard to notice. Tom Steadman likewise gave a decent accounting of himself as Lauren's moronic husband... and I think that if he had been given better dialogue to deliver, he might have been even better. (To a large extent, he's The Amazing Redundant Exposition Man, and this reduces his role to something less that what it could have been.)

"Torment" is a movie that has a lot to recommend to fans of thrillers, slasher movies, and "torture porn". Unfortuantely, the thriller elements and "torture porn" elements are at odds with each other and between them they almost manage to make the slasher element moot and make the ending seem false and forced because it doesn't feel like a natural outgrowth of anything. These, plus the stilted and clumsy nature of some of the dialogue and the excessive exposition in certain scenes drag this down to a low end of average, despite its strong points. (Speaking of excessive exposition... one thing the film never even hints at is the Who and the Why of Dissecto. Part of me would like to know more about him, but another part of me likes the "senseless evil" aspect this presents. I think the fact I'm torn is another sign that the script needed more work.)

Despite its flaws, though, "Torment" is worth checking out if you're into killer clowns, or if you enjoy small-scale horror films.

'Secrets of the Clown' is solid debut effort for 1st-time director

Secrets of the Clown (2008)
Starring: Paul Pierro, Dusty Mitchell, Michael Kott, Kelli Clevenger, Thomas Perez and Scott Allen Luke
Director: Ryan Badalamenti
Rating: Six of Ten Stars

Ater his girlfriend (Clevenger) leaves him, someone, or some thing, starts brutally murdering his neighbors and friends, and finally some evil entity starts haunting his home, Bobbie (Pierro) turns to a psychic (Kott) for help, A clown doll tthat his girlriend cherished seems to be at the center of everything, but will its secrets be revealed before Bobbie joins the growing list of victims?

"Secrets of the Clown" is a film that will remind you of films from Hammer Films, Amicus and American International in its heyday. It's a nifty little horror film with a classic feel to it, and if you enjoyed movies like "Burn, Witch, Burn!" and "The Devil Rides Out", you'll get a kick out of this one. You'll also enjoy it if you're an afficianado of the "clown horror subgenre"--yeah, I didn't realize there was such a thing either, but I've seen such a thing referred to in a couple of different places and I've seen enough clown horror flicks to accept that it could be a subgenre--as the clown motif comes into play on a couple of different levels in the film.

What's more, the titular secrets of the clown are not ones that you will readily guess. I thought I had the film figured out about ten miinutes in, but then a plot development proved me wrong. Then, when I thought I knew where writer/director Ryan Badalamenti was going, he threw another curveball at me. The secrets behind the murders and supernatural occurances in this film are not easily given up, and you'll be trying to figure out what's going on right along with the characters.


In fact, this film is unveiling its plot up to virtually the final moment of a very strong finish. Once again, I was reminded not to pre-judge a movie before the end credits start to roll. In this case, as the film came to a close, my first thought was, "Ah... they're leaving things open for a sequel. That's nice... this was a neat film and I wouldn't mind seeing a follow-up" but then came the twist-ending, and I thought, "He HAD to ruin a perfectly good film with yet another crappy twist-ending" and I almost stopped the DVD in disgust... but then Badalamenti put a twist on the twist and all was right with the world. He actually came up with an ending that was as neat as I'm sure he thought it was, a rare and precious thing.

Another very strong thing about the film is the use of sound throughout and the an excellent musical score by Matt Novack. Badalamenti is clearly a filmmaker who understands the importance of using sound and music to heighten the mood of a scene.

Another area that didn't quite work in the film was the acting (or maybe the direction), but it's a flaw that I see in many films at this level of production: The actors were all very polite and very stage-oriented in the way that no one stepped on anyone else's lines and everyone was very careful to not cross in fron to someone else while they were speaking their line. This causes several scenes to feel unnatural and still, despite the fact that most of the cast actually did a decent job delivering their lines. They just should have made it less obvious that they were, indeed, just delivering lines.

Among the actors, though, I want to single out Michael Knotts for praise. He did a wonderful job as the quirky psychic, playing the role with a level of over-acting that I don't think the world has seen since Bela Lugosi passed on. There are a couple of scenes where I wish he had dailed it down a bit, but, over all, he was great fun to watch.


(Trivia: "Secrets of the Clown" cost roughly $15,000 to make.)