Just leave this one alone and in the dark

Alone in the Dark (2005)
Starring: Christian Slater, Stephen Dorff and Tara Reid
Director: Uwe Boll
Rating: One of Ten Stars

Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) is a paranormal investigator who has spent the last several years trying to unlock a mystery in his past that is somehow tied to a mysterious prehistoric culture. He is on the verge of finding his answers when a series of nonsensical events surrounding invisible monsters, a girlfriend played by an apparently bored actress (Tara Reid), symbiot-infected government agents, and a for-no-apparent-reason-bitter co-worker from the government's paranormal research branch Dept. 713 (Stephen Dorff) erupt.

This movie starts with a dull bit of exposition, and it doesn't get much better. It's a mish-mash of half-developed story elements and non-developed characters played by actors who in most cases seem like they know they're in an awful film so they're not even trying. The monstrous threat is self-contradictory (the critters are loose in the world, yet they're not... the critters are stopped from invading the world, yet they've depopulated it by the end). The super-secret, heavily armed government agency set up to deal with supernatural threats have been fighting the growing monster menace for years, yet they go to face it repeatedly in the film without the fairly simple, easy-to-come-by methods to weaken it. (The creatures are vulnerable to light. Private citizens can rent light towers with gas or battery powered generators, yet the hi-tech, paramilitary Dept. 713 can't lay their hands on any.)

Maybe the problem is that the three writers on "Alone in the Dark" never showed each others pages to one another before rehearsal and filming started?

There is nothing nice to say about this film, except maybe that it moves fast enough to not get boring. For that, it gets a very generous One Star. I knew I was watching garbage, but it kept me mildly entertained. I still wish I had the time back I spent watching it, and I don't recommend you waste yours on this film.

'Very Bad Things' is either very clever or very dumb

Very Bad Thngs (1998)
Starring: Christian Slater, Jon Favreau, Cameron Diaz, Jeremy Piven, and Daniel Stern
Director: Peter Berg
Rating: Seven of Ten Stars

When a prostitute is accidentally killed at a bachelor party, self-help course fanatic (and closet psychopath) Boyd (Slater) convinces the five friends in attendance to cover up her death. As the wedding day approaches, one of the five (Stern) starts cracking under the guilt of what they did, and things go from bad to very bad. With the wedding threatened, Kyle (Favreau) soon learns that the only person in his life more deadly and crazy than Boyd is Laura, his bride to be (Diaz).


"Very Bad Things" is a black comedy that's either very clever or very dumb. As the end credits started to roll, I found myself asking, "Okay... what exactly was the point of that?"

Either the filmmakers wanted to tell a story where the moral was "karma's a bitch" because almost everyone who finds themselves dead, maimed, or otherwise hosed have somehow previously wronged someone or been immoral; or maybe the story's lesson was about what happens to otherwise civilized people when they decide to treat murder casually. Whatever the point of the story, I'm not sure I got it.

Nonetheless, the film had a snappy, funny script--assuming one can laugh at multiple murders and the total breakdown of human decency-- with plenty of interesting and well-acted characters (with the exception of Jeremy Piven... I'd describe his performance more as annoying than funny or believable). The best moments in the film went to Cameron Diaz, though, as she transformed from a high-strung bride-to-be, to a shrew, and beyond... until she too gets her just desserts in the film's final moments.

I enjoyed "Very Bad Things", and uttered evil chuckles as the chaotic events of this dark movie unfolded, but the mild confusion I felt when it ended makes me wonder if I "got it," and this costs the film a point on my rating scale.

Anyone out there care to tell me what I missed? I really wanted to like this movie a lot more than I ultimately did.

Run away from 'Pursued'

Pursued (2004)
Starring: Christian Slater, Gil Bellows and Estella Warren
Director: Kristoffer Tabori
Rating: Three of Ten Stars

Never-say-die corporate headhunter Vincent Palmer (Christian Slater) sets his sights on Ben Keats (Gil Bellows) to recruit him away from a small hi-tech firm about to revolutionize the security industry to take the helm of a failing computer company. Vincent has yet to fail to recruit a mark yet, and that is because he is a complete psycho that uses everything from blackmail to murder in order to force his targets to sign on the dotted line. Soon, Vincent is threatening everything and everyone around Ben, including his naive wife (Warren) and little daughter.

The movie starts out promising, but it quickly becomes a boring morass of characters doing dumb things because the plot requires it, seemingly intelligent characters not using resources and options at their disposal, and just bad script writing. Once Ben catches onto what Vincent is up to, he SHOULD have been able to turn the tables on him, or even get the police involved, but he doesn't, because the movie would have been an hour long... or we might even have gotten an intelligent and satisfying spin on the hunted becoming the hunter instead of a lame, made-for-TV fight scene at the end.

Christian Slater does a good job as the psycho headhunter, but every other part in thefilm is both weak in the dialogue and performances. (And what the heck is up with Estella Warren's lips?! I've heard of the 'bee-stung look,' but there's gotta be something physically wrong with someone with lips THAT puffy and swollen!)


So, unless you're a huge fan of late-nite cable fare, avoid "Pursued."