where is God?

its idiotic and childish to say this but i feel like I'm loosing God bit by bit..

its very scary..

i have this internal fear that one day when i wake up i would have lost it all..

i do go to church, i go to CG & CF, i read the bible, hang out with Christian ppl, but nothing is going in.

nothing is going into my heart o soul..its dead?

I'm filling the heart and mind with utter rubbish!

i know what could happen when the situation hits rock bottom..

history must not be repeated

i hate to say but as i grow up

i selfishly love the world and its temptations so much more than the heavenly things.

the old Sandra is gone gone gone!

has my heart gone cold and passion within died?

heck, i cannot remember the last time i prayed!

where has the old Sandra gone?

I'm becoming seriously bitchy, forgetful, materialistic and recently paranoid.

the worldly things are so so good, so so hard to resist, once u have a taste of it, only a fool would reject it.

it was a slow damned painless progress..

i want to have so many things, have and hold, visit, see, taste, hear, enjoy SO SO many things of the world

i would do anything to get what i want!

the domination of evil, so subtle, so mean!

i never noticed it until it became so cancerous to my soul..

and now knowing its bad, i quite like it, i don't want things to change..

what i once could so strongly say NO and what i once deemed disgusting and beneath me have become part of me.

I've bended too many rules.

I've turned soft in upholding my own principals

and yes i shamefully admit i don't remember where my allegiance lies.

was it to heaven o hell?

scarily, i don't really care.

oh shit..WATS happening?

the line between choosing heavenly treasures above worldly pleasures is blurred.

pride, greed and malice has taken over and festing in my heart,

like a black dirty cockroach eating away at a piece of rotten stinking meat at the corner..
utter disgusting,utter pathetic

i can feel it taking over but I'm so powerless to fight it!

what we learn in literature class today stuck a chord- we're hypocrites in this modern day.

haha.i look in the mirror and the biggest fattest hypocrite- ME

this is the honest truth, I'm not afraid to admit

I'm ashamed of myself

i don't need pity

i don't need comforting

i don't ppl gently telling me things are okay and fine

i need a real slap and shaking

i need a good fren to jolt me back to reality

i have pushed away all morale barriers, what is there to say what is right and wrong?

I've brought this upon myself.

does God punish back this way?

is God going further or am i running away from him??

obviously I'm doing the running

the further i go, the more my life is spiralling outta control.

looking back in the mirror, i HATE the image that stares back