teaching is like a fishbone in my throat

DEAR BLOG READERS...

where is my own happiness?

Sch has been hard on everyone. my fellow teacher frens n myself. reading their posts n laments sometimes makes me wonder why did teaching become so hard n complicated? (we all have faced the insomia, the frustration, repeatedly falling sick, the unspoken bullying n quiet tears, the pressure to perform and the truckloads of shitwork like decorating, preparing for majlis n ucapan n going for kursus, ceramah and filling in millions of non teaching paperwork)

to add to suffering i had to care lah. to do work n prepare properly n stress myself silly in the process. (just fin 3 hours exam papers n my SchBaseAssesment files are still not finnished n not keyed in online, i'm working at full speed.

 its like never ending sch work even eating into my weekends. i feel physically SICK thinking abt it. nausea from the pit of my stomach!!

every weekend i lie on my bed curl up like a prawn, put the pillow on my head and cry.

its haunting why this is happening so often every weekend. the stress, mental tiredness, loneliness and emptiness of my soul cannot be described in words so they just flow freely thru my eyes.

i hate crying. i want this to stop.

The days are SO hard to pass. i swear i have never been so depressed.

i beg for an answer why is there no answer?

there is so much unhappiness n restrictions in sch and the same cycle happens at home.

there is much i am unhappy abt BUT since there r too many gossipmongers who are more than too happy to batu api n report my name i will not share any of my domestic problems here.

i am reminded WHY I APPLIED TO GO USM. the uni so freaking far from my home. i remember the very reason i wanted to run and now its the same reason i want to return to penang.

nothing i do is good enough. nothing.nothing.nothing.

freedom of body, mind n speech is lost.lost.lost.

i wish he was here.

i wish i was there.

i wish to remember how passion n freedom felt.

i wish there was an answer.

i wish they would care more, be more understanding.

i wish for all this negativism to go away.

blogging has always given me a sense of calm n control after being so emotional. thank u for reading n being so understanding dear reader :)

Eating out of sadness

Dear readers

i promised to never speak evil of my work or anything related to sch so i will stick to it.

deep down i'm very sad n sort of homesick to go back to penang.. oh dont say i have not tried to adapt, i'm a great adapter n i still cannot accept many things especially schtime, the weather n being lonely without friends.

to replace that emptiness in my heart i have not done any substance abuse lah dont worry.

i have turned to my old fren mr Food. I've been eating like a pig n yet nothing seems to taste nice (outside of aunt's house) in fact everything i've eaten so far outside is plain mediocre cause my heart is totally not into it.. :(

take for instance :

on monday i ate:

-cereal n milk

-2fish n rice

-chocolate bread 1 roll

-teh tarik (cold n yucky)

-biscuits

-peanuts

-2 packets of guava n watermelon

-1 packet of mamee monster

-1 egg sandwich

-1 packet of nyonya siam beehoon

-1 bar of kindo bueno

-homecook rice +soup

-green tea drink 1 box

-fruits

(ITS ALREADY 10,000 calories and above. in penang i never allow myself to even eat rice what more hentam so many thing at one go!)

on tuesday i ate:

-roti canai telur

-Teh tarik (cold n yucky AGAIN)

-a banana

-1 packet of Mr. potato chips

-rice n fish in cantten

-sunquick

-a bun

-10 keropok lekor

- a burger (threw away half cause the patty was uncooked)

-asam laksa (worst i ever eaten from pasar malam)

-nadaje cake (its sooooo creamy at the end part i felt quite sick)

- Mc D fries

- fruits

(verdict: just as bad as monday ..i feel so tired the end of the day cause i think my liver n kidneys cant work as fast)

on wednesday i ate:

-a banana

- ham chim peng

-teh tarik

- broken dry fried beehoon (free from sch sukantara)

-fried rice from students corner

- 2 packets of watermelon

-keropok

- a bun

- santan filled cendol from jonker 88

- fried osyter oo chian from some heritage shop

- nandos 1 set

-preserved junk 1 packet

-1 putu piring (very famous in melaka i like this one)

- fruits

(everyday i'm eating beyond what my body can process n then feel even more guilty the next day, and the cycle repeats it pathetic-ness)

i need to find an outlet to destress, eat less, get exercise again n stop feeling so damn blue day in day out!!

i go to work 6.30 am come back also almost 3.30pm and i'm so damn tired i just need to sleep. whole day n night i'm tired god knows why n i'm so cranky its affecting my relationships with people. sometimes i want to slap myself n ask how fast i've changed in just 2 weeks..haiyo..FAT DIE ME la..depressed even more. damn it.

Suggestions anyone?

break the wings of the butterfly

I miss the days when i use to be so carefree happy. when my eyes sparkled with life n i woke up so positive  and ready to conquer the world!

I have to say, after yesterday's blogpost about my rants at the paddy field i never expected such overwhelming response n replies from people all over. thank u! :) Most of them were encouraging n supportive but u know lah, got good also got bad wan. 

I even received hate mail from a bunch of people (no need to mention who) saying that my previous blogpost was uncalled for. that i was a moron for shaming my parents in public n making myself look so pathetic. that i was not worth respecting and that i'm an ass and i'm not grateful to anything my family has ever given me. it also mentioned that i had lousy character n temperamental blah blah *pause n reread hate mail* 

In my defense i'm here to address all people who feel the same way (that i'm an ass useless daughter who blogs too much personal stuff online n risk getting mocked by readers).

1. This is MY BLOG. i will freaking write, complain, rejoice, post photos and videos of whatever and whoever i please as long as its the truth! If u dislike reading what i have to write then just dont click into my website so simple nia. If u hate eating vegetables will u walk into a vegetarian shop and order?! no rite? so please do the same n save urself from reading my blog if ur on the anti-sandra team. 

2. Secondly, after much thought i am very sorry to my parents for saying hurtful things n using bad words (which is frowned upon in the house). I'm sorry for making mom cry n dad flying furious with my unaccepted behaviour. I am sorry for not being the perfectionist daughter and living up to standarts but I WILL NOT be sorry for what i feel before i came here and the current situation. all that sadness, frustration and anger is REAL! 100% real n hurtful.

3. I realised how ironic it is. When i received the posting and rejected teruk teruk to NOT GO i had a hard time cause they said i was silly to reject the golden bowl and alot of objections kept pouring in until i drowned in guilt n tot of giving it a try. When i'm ALREADY here i still get objections teruk teruk. so what difference does it make whether i rejected or took up the posting?! both ways also i'm the bad guy. its like walking left to be eaten by a tiger and walking right to be eaten by a crocodile. BOTH WAYS ALSO its a dead end of death.

4. If u dont already know, i'm an english major. and to think that i have lashed out ALL profanities and crudeness in my previous hate blogpost u are soooooooo wrong!!!

 i have enough arsenal of vocab to curse n contaminate the entire pacific ocean to DIE, revive the Kraken n swallow all of u whole and i only used the mildest words to describe the horrible torture i have to endure. U think i'm inconsiderate? ur lucky i have not open 1 post just to blast u back for making me so angry this morning. oh boy i have sugarcoated everything soo much because i dont want to hurt the people around me.

5. I freaking broke down and cried in class today (right in front of the kids) after reading the hate msg n rethinking about my stupid stupid decisions in life. I wanted to jump off the 4th floor this morning. u think i'm joking but i'm not. The funniest thing is NONE of my 40 students saw me cry or blow my nose for 30 minutes as they were busy talking, fighting with each other ignoring the weird Chinese teacher in front. i'm so lucky i got away from explaining cause they couldn't be bothered.

6. I feel like a chunck of me is left in penang, i feel empty inside. i go to work looking at my watch counting down the hours to go home nia.

i hate being judged, i hate being locked up in a place where none of my opinions or ideas will ever take action. Its like capturing a butterfly n breaking off its wings n putting it in a jar to suffocate n die. That is how i feel right now. but do u care? no...do u understand ? no... all u know is that i'm a pampered selfish bitch who wants the comfortable life n doing things my way.

If i wanted the good life i would have taken it a long time ago. which blimmering idiot girl rejects a proposal and instead stubbornly works her ass of renting a small room in a place far from her comfortable house, falling sick regularly, taking care of everything big n small alone, worrying about insufficient money everymonth and worrying about pleasing my parents in everyway. Which idiot would do that for passion?! *raise hand* ME!! i'm that idiot. and u have no right to call me pampered or selfish because my decision to leave my passion, my love n my life in penang is the greatest sacrifice i can ever give anybody. and i chose to give it to my parents. not my boyfren or not to chase a high paying carrier. I am grateful to every cent mom n dad paid thru my studying years and all the moral support they rendered in my rock bottom times. I AM grateful thats why i went againts all odds n ppl advicing me to be selfish n ignore my parents- i said no i will try to make them happy. REMEMBER that fact the next time u want to point fingers at me moron.

I used to be so fun. I use to sparkle and get amazed at small things. i would laugh like a girl n loved people wholeheartedly without biasness. now i cant see light in my eyes. i see hollowness n emptiness resounding in the place where my soul used to be on fire.

After today's fiasco of crying in class i kicked myself n i'm not gonna complain no more. i'm just gonna swallow my pride n soilder on . Mom advice "if u have nothing good to say dont say it at all". Okay, i try to apply this line into my life. I WILL NOT speak evil of my short pathetic teaching life no more for all it brings is conflict n hate n negative feelings. no more!! eww.. begone!! i will survive this shit and pull myself together.

The last thread of happiness i have is my blog. and to stop asking me to blog about my feelings is robbing me of the last thing that keeps me sane.

The past comes back to haunt.

NOW EVERYTHING IS SCREWED UP.

having a REALLY bad pms session.

hormone levels are low and everything seems so depressing .

i feel so alone , miserable n sad. 

i want to curl up n cry n wish somebody would hug me.

i have lost control of functions.

i want to be loved. irony is i cannot receive love anymore.

it all started when i went back to sban it was suppose to be happy n happening but dampened by the fact i ran into memory of 4 of my ex-es (2indirectly 2face to face)!

Bad embarrassing history i thought was dead buried with the past was mentioned RIGHT in my face. and i tot NOBODY KNEW except a few (but they obviously shared the news like their damn right to BCC CNN broadcast it)

after almost 10 years the story came up like repulsive vomit thrown into my face. all i did to forget that incident was now publicly mocking me in the face during that reunion. laughing at my fault. thinking i was the slut/ bitch i was in my foolish youth. i dont know why ppl's memory can be so good when it comes to evil bad things. 

i am so ashamed of my past. i wanna take a magic eraser n UNDO all the mistakes i made in the past. 

ESPECIALLY when it comes to bfs (now dont ask me how many already. MYOB).

I have had my heart played, broken n used but i still go back into the same circle of abuse n distrust.

I have made pretty bad choices in life n hurt many guys in the past with my actions n words. 

I deeply apologize to all of you guys. all of u whom i have purposely hurt for my pleasure and pride, the ignorance of my youth :( one word of apology will never cure the scars i have left. i hang my head in shame n cry tears of remorse. to him who will never forgive me i understand.

and so karma has finally ran its marathon n CAUGHT me by the neck like a dog, shaken me for pleasure, watch me yelp in pain n tears. It is happily torturing me back for all my past sins (all the evil things, all the hurt i think back i shiver in fear at the hardness of my heart i cannot believe hw the same person could commit such unspeakable acts)

Recently i found out that the person i love has found new love i guess, or somebody else to sleep with. the more reason to HATE him rite? but the only person i hate is myself for not letting go. for allowing sadness creep into my heart n sit on the throne reigning as dictator of a ass king! 

*AWARD FOR QUEEN OF DRAMA N SELF PITY GOES TO MISS SANDRA CHEAH*okay, take the award go down stage n fcking slap urself into reality.wth is wrong with you girl?! WAKE UP! he aint never gonna look at u with love in his eyes.Dont hover around hopes like a lost puppy! gosh u are pathetic when ur not on happy juice. Time n time again we must tell u, MOVE on. dont look back, cut all ties . stop acting dumb. accept the facts woi! how we despise it everytime u talk about Mr.X ! macam tape recorder spoilt n on repeat mode. Boring!!!!

okok, in my madness i have talked to myself n physically really slapped myself twice (one on the right the other on the left)

Its 1.28am and i think all the emo-ness has been cured thru writing. the more i write the more i express the BETTER I feel
I have to go study now for my fcking teaching interview. i have 999999999 pages of goddamn history n education values to memorize n regurgitate on interview next week. oh how i hate my life rite now.

to end this emo post i shall show u pictures of ex bf no ___ and his new cny beautiful baby (which makes me feel more jealous ! ppl got family d i dont even have a teaching job. sigh)

dear bloggers, super sandra is not like this all the time. stay with me. kick me when u do see me in real life. thankyouverymuch. (",)

BITCHES in school

my dear blogger "Students" -today's English word of the day is : BITCH

Bitch, literally, means a female dog. In other uses, it may refer to:

• A slang term for a complaint
• Bitch (insult) is a pejorative term for "woman" or "subordinate man"

Guess wat? they are found in abundance without no sign of extinction or reduction in my school. 

put ur hands together for the reigning queen who pushes all work into our faces, shoves it down our throats and yells when we choke on it.

bitches have great hobbies like gossiping, backstabbing, pushing work unto others and enjoys making other ppl's life miserable while they "suffer" theirs. 

Puhlease..seniority is not a ticket to bully as u please!

what can the minions do but complain? oh nothing much but to bear the grunt n fire like a martyr send to war.

The fattest bitch is the reigning Queen!

BRAVO BRAVO we all hail the educators of our children..

End of today's lesson.

Worst day in school

today was the worst sch day ever!
i'm so tired of all this bullshit i decided to just make it short.

my car alarm suddenly went berserk non stop screeching, i had to walk in tight pretty shoes to shops far away in pulau tikus to find it closed and shut n walked back to gurney again to fix n now my toes are bleeding,

in school i was thrown TONS of unimaginable work-mostly work that senior teachers had to do but they pushed to us trainees cause they think we're dumb. i have not even finished my lesson plans n i need to worry about student's welfare, sponsorships for greenathon, dance recital for retirement (they are fighting with other groups) and painting of walls and producing and editing movie of principal's life (today half the data got attacked by virus and deleted by itself)!! SO SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTT all my hard work washed away..

i didnt get to EAT anything solid today due to busyness of classes and doing rubbish work
i accidently fell asleep twice and i think i'm on the CCTV of principal..

NEWS of the day?
my form 2 student reported to me that another classmate had KUTU (head lice) and i said stop gossiping and went to look for myself..OH LORD , when i went for a closer look, there was a MANIFESTATION OF BILLIONZ OF WHITE, SILVER and BLACK worms (lice) crawling furiously on her hairband, scalp and side of head...
BILLIONS I SAY!!!

i was so scarred and mortified i went to report it immediately!! i was so scared that it would jump on me i asked Nesha to check my head on the spot to see whether i was also infected!! OMG!! if u were there u would scream like a girl and goosebumps will arise!

 So, next time if ur frens or students or child gets infected, here are some useful info i googled:

Head Lice live on human beings. They can be spread quickly by using the hat, comb or brush of an infected person or by close contact.  Lice may crawl or fall onto clothing, bedding, towels or furniture ad spread that way.

ANYONE CAN GET LICE

How can you tell if your child has head lice?

The best way to tell is to carefully inspect your child’s hair and scalp for live little brown or gray bugs.  The insects cling tightly to the hair and crawl quickly along the shaft. You want to examine  the hair close to the scalp and roots.  The eggs are called nits and are attached to hair strands.They usually are oval and yellow or white.  Sometimes nits can be found in the warm crease behind behind the ear.  The nits hatch after a week.

Sometomes a characteristic rash will erupt all along the hairline.

If you believe  your child has head lice follow these simple instructions  on what to do.

USE an anti-lice shampoo and follow the package directions carefully. Most products are used on dry hair. The hair needs to be saturated with the shampoo.  Scrub the scalp with the shampoo for ten minutes.  Make sure you actually leave the shampoo on for a solid ten minutes.Rinse the hair and dry it. Repeat the process in 7 days to  prevent reinfection.

Make sure that the nits are dead before trying to remove them by waiting 8 hours after shampooing the hair with the lice shampoo. Remove the nits by backcombing hte hair with a fine tooth comb or pulling them out individually.  Lice in hte eyelashes can be dealt with by putting petroleum jelly on eyelashes  twice daily for 8 days.

Adult lice can not survive more than 24 hours away from the human body. The Nits can survive up to 2 weeks. Clean the house by vacuuming your child’s  room. Soak combs and brushes in anti-lice shampoo or get new ones. Wash sheets, blankets and pillow cases in hot water. Items that can not be washed should be sealed in  plastic bag for 2 weeks.

Check everyone who lives in the  household for lice. Treat anyone with active lice or an itchy scalp rash.

School policies differ.  Some schools have a no nit policy but in general children may return to school after the shampoo treatment and there are no live insects.

CALL YOUR DOCTOR IF:

The LICE return.

i also found out MANY GIRLS IN SCHOOL HAVE KUTU PROBLEMS and i always go near them..dang..moral of the story: OPEN my eyes and pray for a clean uninfested head..AMEN.

-_-

hi readers!

 i dont have photos to post today as my boss is still holding on to my pinky camera since his engagement suprise thingy

this is gonna be a short post.

To be honest, i dont know its a correct word or not but i'm so FREAKING TEPU (saturated) of clowning . i dont want to see children's faces or greedy parents asking for more balloons anymore.

heck even the principal found out abt my job n asked me to sit in a corner make balloons n raise funds for the sch since their jogathon didnt go well last year. hell!

i want my sinus n tummy ache to go away.

i wish i had a real holiday just doing nothing.

U know a funny thing, the sch gave us trainee teachers the back weakest classes to teach. some cant read and write. atrocious! to think abt it, in this modern era there are teens who are illiterate!

i get to teach form 1,2, 4 and supervise choir club and karate for uniform body ( i hope they dont force me buy the uniform to wear on wed)

silly rule also expects us to wear batik clothes EVERY thursday of EVERY week. shish..uglyness maximus!

the challenge n the bullying(which has started that day-asking us take this and that and clean this and that) alot more i foresee coming puts me off.

Cis!

 aihhh..

sighh...

TEPU!

BUDAK punya perangai

childish. immature. insecure. irksome. "Siapa yang makan cili die yang rasa pedasnya"

the world goes 1 big circle boy.

if u cant take a joke then go run back to mummy and complain.

God blessed u with such good organs called brains, nerve systems and a heart. please use all 3 before doing anything.

watching u carry on like this is self destructive to ur EQ.

one day u will be all alone. no one to marry and no frens to turn to. change before its too late.
dont be proud, ego-istic and think ur correct and righteous all the time.
u think u've suffered? u havent seen the world yet little fry..u seen nothing!

grow up boy. its time to be a man. balls are not meant to shrink smaller.

no more hiding, no more complaining. just grow up!

where is God?

its idiotic and childish to say this but i feel like I'm loosing God bit by bit..

its very scary..

i have this internal fear that one day when i wake up i would have lost it all..

i do go to church, i go to CG & CF, i read the bible, hang out with Christian ppl, but nothing is going in.

nothing is going into my heart o soul..its dead?

I'm filling the heart and mind with utter rubbish!

i know what could happen when the situation hits rock bottom..

history must not be repeated

i hate to say but as i grow up

i selfishly love the world and its temptations so much more than the heavenly things.

the old Sandra is gone gone gone!

has my heart gone cold and passion within died?

heck, i cannot remember the last time i prayed!

where has the old Sandra gone?

I'm becoming seriously bitchy, forgetful, materialistic and recently paranoid.

the worldly things are so so good, so so hard to resist, once u have a taste of it, only a fool would reject it.

it was a slow damned painless progress..

i want to have so many things, have and hold, visit, see, taste, hear, enjoy SO SO many things of the world

i would do anything to get what i want!

the domination of evil, so subtle, so mean!

i never noticed it until it became so cancerous to my soul..

and now knowing its bad, i quite like it, i don't want things to change..

what i once could so strongly say NO and what i once deemed disgusting and beneath me have become part of me.

I've bended too many rules.

I've turned soft in upholding my own principals

and yes i shamefully admit i don't remember where my allegiance lies.

was it to heaven o hell?

scarily, i don't really care.

oh shit..WATS happening?

the line between choosing heavenly treasures above worldly pleasures is blurred.

pride, greed and malice has taken over and festing in my heart,

like a black dirty cockroach eating away at a piece of rotten stinking meat at the corner..
utter disgusting,utter pathetic

i can feel it taking over but I'm so powerless to fight it!

what we learn in literature class today stuck a chord- we're hypocrites in this modern day.

haha.i look in the mirror and the biggest fattest hypocrite- ME

this is the honest truth, I'm not afraid to admit

I'm ashamed of myself

i don't need pity

i don't need comforting

i don't ppl gently telling me things are okay and fine

i need a real slap and shaking

i need a good fren to jolt me back to reality

i have pushed away all morale barriers, what is there to say what is right and wrong?

I've brought this upon myself.

does God punish back this way?

is God going further or am i running away from him??

obviously I'm doing the running

the further i go, the more my life is spiralling outta control.

looking back in the mirror, i HATE the image that stares back