Left with a dead end.

there is so much pain in my heart now that i can hardly breathe.

no its not the heartache caused by love/affection for a guy

rather its the groaning of my heart from rejection from my own family.

why must the tables turn on me today?

while other teachers are rejoicing at the prospects of going to new sch to teach my world came tumbling down when i found out mine.

why must i get posted to Malacca and not some timbaktu place where rejecting the teaching posting will be so much more easier n acceptable. why cant give the posting to somebody more deserving than i?

why make me choose between family n money? 

why not hear the cry of my heart? does my voice not count in your ears? does my tears mean nothing in your eyes?

 WHY must everything boil back to financial security? money money n more filthy disgusting word of money. 

i detest being driven by money. 

i dont argue that money is indeed important but i will NEVER SLAVE and SELL my soul for money security n be awfully depressed for the next 30 years doing a job u hate is worst than being stuck in an abusive marriage or being sold to prostitution!

how can one say my love/passion for both my jobs dont count because its all foolish dreams like building castles in the air? how can u say my clowning n insurance job is not enough. i'm not pushing drugs or doing an illegal job or living off welfafe. every cent i earn comes from my own sweat, blood n tears.

 EVERYTHING I DO IS NEVER ENOUGH damn it. 

nothing can express how sad n frustrated i am. worst cut in my life cause this involves my parents. their will against mine.

i detest being forced to engage in a job that i have no interest in doing. TEACHING IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA then why FORCE IT DOWN MY THROAT? in this world there are plenty of jobs to do and i'm not handicapped nor stupid. just let me do what i love to do then develop from there... its not where i get, not how much money involved, not what kinda students i meet or what subjects i have to teach ..main point is I have long decided NOT TO EVER TEACH.

why cant anybody listen to what i have to say or respect what i have decided?

why push me to the edge of the cliff n make me choose between following ur dreams and calling my own dreams selfish. there are choices in my era compared to urs. but even that choice is robbed from my hands.

i love my family n respect my parents very much. i dont blame them in fact i owe my education, my life to them. and now the guilt is eating into my soul. to choose to pursue my own path or to dishonour my parents n make God sad :(

to me, my family n God is everything. i have 9 days to decide n every second it ticks down it kills me more n more...to make 1 important decision at this time is to take a chopping knife n either choose to cut off my right arm or left arm. 

 either way it will hurt n bleed like hell....