clothes peg. just hanging on.

i'm hanging on like a clothes peg.

the winds of change and winds of sorrow blow and blow mercilessly.

they make me cry at night.

they make me cry at day.

they turn me into the girl i cannot recognize today.

she who is upset all the time there is a dark sickness eating her inside out.

sometimes its so tiring to fight the wind, the sun and the occasional rain.

all i want to do is to just let it go.

to go back to the life i once knew, the life where i had sunshine laughter as a social butterfly and was free to soar as high as thy heart wanted.

but sadly all she is now is a clothes peg.

once so strong her strength is now failing her.

tears are the proof of the rapture of her soul.

waiting for her owner to peg the right clothing on her so that she will know which cloth is WORTH holding on.

her soul is drying up n dying.

please hurry. please.

Teaching update week 6- My kids got gf/bf!

HI DEAR READERS!

the reason i can even survive each sch day and be sane  is because of all the people who constantly love me and support and pray for me :)

Q: Good morning and how do you do?

A: Good morning. I am fine thank you.

(the simple sentences above took me hours to drill into my kids brains to remember. it came out in the test n they didnt know what to write! 13 year olds can u imagine..sigh!)

see the 2 small kids next to me? they are both in form 1 and i'm their English teacher. this was taken during Canteen Day where we put up stalls to sell stuff for our respective clubs. Mine was Kelab Pencegah Jenayah and i'm president teacher in charge. In a million years i never tot i would ever join this club what more LEAD it! hahahahaa..

Anyways back to the story of the kids above. can u believe it that 80% of my class boys are so small they come up to my shoulder height only n they look like 9 year olds with uncombed hair and unironed shirts to sch and yet MOST OF THEM HAVE GIRLFRENS!! omg OMG!! what in the world is happening these days!

conversation went like this:-

Sandra: *jokingly poking the shorter kid- So u ada awek chun tak?

Shorter boy: Takde la cikgu. ehehehe

Taller boy: Jangan tipu cikgu la..mengaku saja lah! ada cakap ade..ape la u ni..

Shorter boy: hehee ya saya ada gf la cikgu

Sandra: *so freaking suprised - so dia tu kelas apa? form 1 jugak?!!

Shorter boy: Ya cikgu ..dalam kelas kita lah. dia duduk belakang. cikgu tak nampak dia ke?

Sandra: Semua orang dalam kelas ada pakwe makwe (boyfren/ girlfren) skg ke??

Taller boy: Ya cikgu. yang bodoh pun ada couple. cikgu Sandra jangan cakap dengan cikgu lain okok?

Sandra: So bila dating pergi buat apa? pergi sekumpulan atau seorang saja? dosa tau!

Shorter boy: cikgu relax la..kita pergi karaoke, tengok wayang, berbasikal, main depan rumah, makan kat kantin, pergi tepi pantai. dengan kawan kawan lain tak seorang la cikgu!

Sandra: nasib baik u pandai kan. u ni semua kecik kecik dah main cinta. sikat rambut pun tidak. *laughing in my heart

Shorter boy: Cikgu saya handsem semua perempuan pun nakkan saya. tak boleh nafikan (cannot be denied). Cikgu pun setuju kan? ;P

Sandra : HAHAHAHAAHAHA! pandai u cakap kan..bila kelas english kita speaking banyak banyak ok?!

on a more serious note, after several classes with my kids. both form 1 and form 2 kids of mine are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO poor in language many of they cant spell, fill in the blanks what more string simple sentences together. what would this mean to their future? omg. i lose sleep thinking of ways to teach them, thinking of easier n more effective lesson plans, how to make them sit n listen n behave, what am i doing wrong? what can i do better? why cant i get through them? why do i even care? why am i still here?

 i think about them so much when i'm driving to work, eating breakfast, lunch and sometimes afterwork! wth is happening. its becoming nightmarish. its stressing me out! i cannot erase it from my system!
 i use to tease my bf saying he was married to his work seems like that disease has caught unto me. i'm bringing work baggage home daily. in my head! and its TORTURE!

Screaming, fighting, shouting, doing paperwork, preparing for lessons and going into class knowing NOBODY is listening is VERY DEMOTIVATING. i try the hard way, the nice way, the neutral dont care way. I use colours, teaching aids, laptop and movie and songs, i bring funny things into class, i tell animated explanations and examples, i draw cartoons. ALL WAYS DONT WORK. they are just disinterested in English. its a mental block put there by the people around them, the environment. its so frustrating!

There is heavy politics within the teachers and so much negativity coming from them. they fight n bitch among themselves so much. they have groups n i'm usually an outcast but its nice to sit on the fence but sometimes it gets lonely no fren in sch... i go to sch singing happily n come home feeling i got sucked dry of energy.

there is so much pressure from my seniors

so much pressure i put unto myself

i  confess i feel soooo burdened, i'm constantly falling sick n i feel i'm fighting a loosing battle. why is teaching so hard? Its not like just teaching in class (which is GIANT KILLER TASK already), there is so much extra curriculum activities, sports, entertaining, rubbish paperwork, learning to not step into work politics n get burned, and extra duties to carry !!!

Parents who have 3 kids complain like mad they dont know how to control their teenagers and how to talk to them. well imagine me- I HAVE 200 KIDS and all of them are ROARING WITH HORMONES ready to march around the sch, pour kerosene and burn it down if it was legal. HOW AM I SINGLEHANDEDLY going to face all this?!

Lord, i've come to a realization.

i cannot keep asking for things to get better,

i need to pray for MORE STRENGTH, MORE WISDOM, MORE COURAGE and PATIENCE so i can stand up to it and OVERCOME it instead of looking at it negatively and feeling sooooooo freaking depressed day in day out.

I must try. i must fight . and i will try so hard before i make a final decision. i wont give up on them yet. i wont give up on me. Amen.

a missing puzzle

Hi dear readers.

clown creampuff with her super cute jap kids in penang

there is not one day that passes that i dont think about my carefree penang life, frens, food and clowning job. i swear i mean this with all my heart.

There are times i sit n stare into space thinking when will i ever get to relive the passion. it hurts so much sometimes my heart literally aches and i blink away tears to not look weak.

the kids in sch and teaching are not the main problem its the distance with the things i love up north.

i miss this monkey alot n ldr can take its toll on us :(

to stay for them students or just run after my own happiness?

then i ask myself, when the time comes to choose. 

What will make it be worth it? 

Am i mad to give up on opportunities and youth for these kids?

will my life make a  difference in their lives?

what about the people who need me in penang?

 will it be worth to sacrifice my happiness to enrich the lives of others? 

what would make me a better person? 

so many questions. so little sleep. hence i'm soo sick these days with headaches, fever, ulcers, gastric and etc. i dare not complain too much as not to worry my dear aunty n family. they have been too nice to me. feeding n housing me n paying for so many things. feeling indebted is also 1 reason i feel like going back pg n not trouble anybody in life...all i want is to fall into deep sleep n have visions of a clear answer in this dilemma...

The report of my new life as a paddy farmer.

hi dear readers

by now many would have known or guess that my short break from Penang to Melacca was to go for the teaching posting.

yea yea some will say that i was so damn against it so why suddenly change mind n go?!! siao ki liao?!

answer is simple just to please my parents. i do love them very much n especially after so much conflict n unresolved anger i gave in n went for "probation" teaching period. meaning i can leave whenever i please.

 i exchanged sacrificed my good life in penang, the people i love, the food and my awesome job n freedom to come to this goddamn paddy field to rot n die.

dont worry i plan to leave asap when my first paycheck comes in (unless i fall in love with teaching which is unlikely as a cow would wear a green polka dot dress.)

the scenery i see everyday to and fro work. paddy n more paddy.

wore this first day of work

wore this second day of work.

TOP THINGS I HATE ABOUT THIS PLACE :

1.The people here both teachers n students are fucking racists. they act like chinese people eat pork n have this infectious disease that can spread thru looking at them in the eyes. NOBODY wants to be my fren or lend me reference books to read. not even the students wanna have conversation with me and give me the weird look. wth man. this is malaysia and the sch is 99.9% malay students 0.01% indians and ZERO chinese.

2.Mentality of 90% teachers n students n makcik canteen all came from caveman period where wearing office wear with skirt over knee length is frowned upon n all of them STARING and COMMENTING at me like i walk around naked n dancing. (just because the rest cover up like penguins doesnt mean i need to change my name to siti sandra n follow). My head panitia doesnt give a hoot about me and has this pelik character of her own. (no wonder her name is still MISS in the front)

3. this is my pathetic looking table crawling with swarms of ants. u cant see them as my camera lousy cannot macro in on them. they crawl over my books, bags, my hands, my baju n when i lie down to nap they crawl over my face. damn it so irritating! the other teachers are immune to bugs so they never complain they consider these army of ants invisible n continue eating n laughing like normal.

4. I was assigned to sit right below this faulty air con unit n water drips on my left arm every 30 minutes o so. imagine sitting underneath this crappy shit n getting watered automatically like some lab plant. this seat is also VERY HOT n stuffy as i'm in the most corner exiled part of the staffroom cramped with 100 teachers. hot + air con dripping n ants is a horrible working condition.

5. There are monkeys living in the trees of the teachers open carpark. apparently they scratch ur car n steal ur mirrors cause they like shinny stuff. the amount of bug level is high not surprisingly cause left n right is forest n the SIZE OF LIZARD is like godzilla!! not to mention numerous chickens n ducks all over sch. they walk around freely making u feel like ur driving into a pasar cum zoo more than a sch.

6. I have no idea why the admin department can be so freaking lazy its already the 2nd week n nobody is working on the timetable so i have no classes at all. so i sit at my sit mostly online with my hp or staring at the ants crossing my table. try doing that daily for 8 hours see u go insane o not!! dah lah nobody wanna talk to me or be my fren i have nothing to do n feel like a complete waste of my life! I HATE IT SO MUCH i almost cried in frustration today morning.

7. The discipline level is low. stupidity level is high. the boys especially are uncontrollable wild just like the monkeys in the carpark. they wolf whistle n call me amoi when i walk pass. i just give them the DEATH STARE. today i asked a form 3 kid what time is it and the guy said "teacher i tak paham apa u cakap". this is the part i feel like slapping myself with my shoes. many are illiterate and NO interest whatsoever to study. main aim come to sch is to "cuci mata" look at girls / guys n most of them get married after spm. wtf man?

There is so so soooooooooooo much more i hate about this teaching life.
 the sch n system is all fcuked up and i'm changing into a passive depressed person i never was before. its so scary its only been 3 days but it feels like robbing 3 years of my youth n potential.

sadness n frustration weigh heavily on my shoulders during sch time. i never felt so blue n useless n meaningless in my entire life, worst than uni final exam depression time. u may say i'm exaggerating but when ur caught in a job that sucks ur energy low, full of negativism n no space for talent to grow u would be suicidal like me.

the only way i revenge against all this crap is by eating junkfood, reading comics and conveniently taking naps on my table whenever i want (principal is a potato who doesnt  know his staff names so he doesnt give a hoot abt me) thus making the other teachers BOIL with jealousy n anger cause they have millions of crapwork to do..wakakaka..

the only time i'm happy n blessed is AFTER WORK!!

i have my awesome cousie Su May and aunt who feeds me, talks to me, so generous with love n care i feel like a normal human being again. their house is so awesomeballs!. they have a piano i can play, a fridge stuffed with food, hot water n nice bathroom, flat screen tv with astro! (forgot how long i never just laze n watch tv after uni started)

 the best blessing was they gave me a ROOM OF MY OWN!!

 it comes with huge working table, 3 fans, 1 aircon, 1 personal tv, own dresser +cupboard and new bed set!! i feel like a princess in the room. OMG!! kindness maximus :) love em for their generosity n warmth. after 5 years in uni, living in a proper house makes me feel so human again and i forget whatever sadness i endured at work. :)

ok la. all i need now is my roti pisang + teh tarik, a race with my pink scooter, a warm hug and clowning n exciting events... sigh..bertahan for the following month first then see how. counting down 28 more days to go. God bless all new teachers. from their stories i know they so need it too! haha..

from subway into paddyway :(

Look at the picture above. WOW rite? u know this place u say..

when ppl see this particular historical city all that comes to mind is the famous chicken rice balls, durian cendul, lok lok, river cruise, jonker walk n nadaje cake.

But hardly anybody knows or even thought that the same city also has scenery like:

yes its a freaking paddy field!

more paddy field by the roadside

Honestly i became speechless after the long drive up( 1.5h) from my hometown, the super many traffic lights (each like 150 seconds each! omg) and then i pulled up to the destination, got registered, heard what the boss had to say and then i went into shutdown. like brain n body total shutdown...numb n emotionless. 

the facts, figures, time, and information went thru my ears, melted thru my brains n unto the floor..

all i heard was my mother and aunty busy commenting on how good how lucky..money this money that...wait i couldn't understand a word, everything was a buzz...my mind went into blankness.

 and i kept pinching myself to wake myself up from this bad dream.

 this trap i walked into like a mouse lured into the cage filled with cheese only to die at the end of it... 

i know i have my lovely cousin may n her family supporting me there. travelling period from her house only 30 mins max n my parents r at the most excited stage i have ever seen them. but i just felt like a rock sinking to the bottom of the ocean. 

as i just stood there speechless looking at everything feeling so bleak n weak, trying to think how to survive the days to come... :(

i took and edited this one thats why it looks so bright n cherry.

picture credits go towards the sch blog. wow they even have a blog. must be very modern sch la.

oh look at all the kids. look like so much fun rite?
the first boy i saw today winked at me and he was only like 13 i think..wth?!

meet the boss on the left

.

  I know my other batch-mates have it harder, cruel n dumped  into rural areas, forests, pig farms, chinese new villages, riversides and i'm considered among the luckiest but why do i feel like an idiot at this point?
the fear pumping in my heart beats so loud it resonates thru the walls..
I'm not a weakling i tell myself, i've survived n worked independently for 5 years alone in penang but why am i so afraid of this minor setback?
omg what have i done?!! pop the bubble of comfort in the city, away from the best job in the world n darling only to fall face front into ***.

oh i cant think...its all a blank now..just blank..blank...god bless me.

sand in my eyes

hi dear readers

the past week has been quite an emotional turmoil ever since the teaching posting came out.

many are eager to hear WHY oh WHY is sandra giving the posting up?

has she lost it and gone bonkers? what about financial security? how is she going to survive now? oh why so stupid.

these are actual questions being bombarded into my ears n my parents too have to suffer the torment of busybodies asking n probing n waiting to compare n laugh at what they think is my downfall.

Seriously i am troubled too.

i am so flustered its giving me bad insomia n ED once again.

 rethinking abt the choice that i've taken, the plans i have made. will they be enough? what if i do fail? what if one day i wake up n regret not going to melacca and slaving my life off for financial security.

I feel so small and stupid at the moment.

i know for sure i dont want to go down teaching line n conform to the regular rat race. I have seen the downside of teaching as i live with teachers.

I dont want to be a slave to the government, get disillusioned after many years , lose my passion, waste precious time in sch overworking n neglecting my kids at home, always having JUST enough money never more, being conformed to stupid rules n regulations that kill all creativity n ideas n potential to grow. for the next 30 years i'm stuck doing a repeated job like a robot. 

Oh times have changed, teachers are no longer appreciated in by majority of students and discipline problems have soared to dangerous levels beyond ur imagination. u think i'm kidding, ask ur teacher today.

Sadly all the money/health benefits in the world cannot buy back the time ROBBED from my childhood as i watched them give their attention n time to working..even with teachers at home, i had to go tuition to learn, i had to be left at the babysitter, i hardly had my parents send/pick me up from school and many times when i just wanted to talk n bond over issues during my teenage years NOBODY HAD THE TIME damn it.

 and with so much facts yet WHY AM I DOUBTING MYSELF AT THIS POINT?!

Eversince i realised how the word "love" operated in my family i have always strived to be good in whatever i was doing. by nature i'm easy going n happy go lucky so i hated competing with others n working hard and yet if i was not "good" enough i wont be loved by my dad or seen as worthy and accepted by my extended family (which labelled u successful only if u excel in either getting damn good results or earning damn good money) . this irrational fear has been fossiled in my head until this very day.

and at this moment when i type this post my coursemates are at their respective states taking the posting letter n gleefully going to their respective schools. yes i do feel left behind and it hurts me alot. but hey i tell myself i have chosen my OWN path. why look back in regret?

To cut myself off the education line is like treachery to my community.

everybody is now AGAINSTs me. the pressure is so immense nobody can understand. 

they dont understand many things. all the negativism i get makes me feel like a little child trapped in an adults body. incapable of pushing away emotions n thinking rationally like a full grown person.

please lah, i wont be clowning my entire life. i have bigger plans ahead, to do sales/ push the insurance job forward n eventually run a business that i always dreamed of. then when i am better off financially oh how i would love to just do all the charity/social work i want to do in the days when i was penniless. 

to contribute money n time to my 1st and utmost passion which is to feed the homeless, teach n supplying books for the illiterate children, volunteering at SPCA n supporting the missions doing God's work and serving by teaching sunday school in church. Currently I don't have weekends off  due to my clowning timetable hence all my dreams to do charity have to be put on hold.

 Oh how nice when it comes a day when i can work to support myself, my family n bless all the people who need it..:) the idea of it is like a sparkle that lifts the whole gloom in my head.

the years to come are going to be SOOOOOOOOOO hard since i handed off my "golden security bowl" and broke my parents heart all in one same week :(

 I will not take the easy road out by running home n save tons of money or neither will i take a shortcut by doing some unspeakable things. I have made a choice n i have to grow up n stand by it.

and basically i am afraid. i am afraid of not being good enough, to fall n not being able to get up. not being successful to achieve my 5 year goal and not being able to bring honour to the family and feel worthy again. to just be good enough. What i want is visible to me and yet i allow fear to block my vision. I need God's wisdom n peace so much at this time, and i shamelessly ask for all ur prayers n support too..

Left with a dead end.

there is so much pain in my heart now that i can hardly breathe.

no its not the heartache caused by love/affection for a guy

rather its the groaning of my heart from rejection from my own family.

why must the tables turn on me today?

while other teachers are rejoicing at the prospects of going to new sch to teach my world came tumbling down when i found out mine.

why must i get posted to Malacca and not some timbaktu place where rejecting the teaching posting will be so much more easier n acceptable. why cant give the posting to somebody more deserving than i?

why make me choose between family n money? 

why not hear the cry of my heart? does my voice not count in your ears? does my tears mean nothing in your eyes?

 WHY must everything boil back to financial security? money money n more filthy disgusting word of money. 

i detest being driven by money. 

i dont argue that money is indeed important but i will NEVER SLAVE and SELL my soul for money security n be awfully depressed for the next 30 years doing a job u hate is worst than being stuck in an abusive marriage or being sold to prostitution!

how can one say my love/passion for both my jobs dont count because its all foolish dreams like building castles in the air? how can u say my clowning n insurance job is not enough. i'm not pushing drugs or doing an illegal job or living off welfafe. every cent i earn comes from my own sweat, blood n tears.

 EVERYTHING I DO IS NEVER ENOUGH damn it. 

nothing can express how sad n frustrated i am. worst cut in my life cause this involves my parents. their will against mine.

i detest being forced to engage in a job that i have no interest in doing. TEACHING IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA then why FORCE IT DOWN MY THROAT? in this world there are plenty of jobs to do and i'm not handicapped nor stupid. just let me do what i love to do then develop from there... its not where i get, not how much money involved, not what kinda students i meet or what subjects i have to teach ..main point is I have long decided NOT TO EVER TEACH.

why cant anybody listen to what i have to say or respect what i have decided?

why push me to the edge of the cliff n make me choose between following ur dreams and calling my own dreams selfish. there are choices in my era compared to urs. but even that choice is robbed from my hands.

i love my family n respect my parents very much. i dont blame them in fact i owe my education, my life to them. and now the guilt is eating into my soul. to choose to pursue my own path or to dishonour my parents n make God sad :(

to me, my family n God is everything. i have 9 days to decide n every second it ticks down it kills me more n more...to make 1 important decision at this time is to take a chopping knife n either choose to cut off my right arm or left arm. 

 either way it will hurt n bleed like hell....

Lelaki ni bodoh

Kenapa oh kenapa lelaki ni bodoh sangat?

yang baik dibuang yang keruh diambil?

Ya tuhan....

BUTA SANGAT kah si dia. jangan kata dia seorang, melambak si laki kat luar tu buta. 

bila nampak dan berkenalan dgn perempuan cantik (yang bitchy) dia terus hilang suis rational dalam otak.

 apa pun sanggup buat, apa kata pun dituruti.

maruah diri dan orang yang dahulunya disayangi kini semua tidak penting, lenyap sekelip mata.

badan besar, wang banyak tapi otak masuk air.

dunia ni tak adil.

geram dan gila aku dibuat !! ISH ISH..

In short conclusion, when guys get turn on they think with their dick and no longer does his brain works. 

blood can only flow to 1 concentrated place at a time (explains why they cant multitask like women can)

i do not lie.

ask him, him or him.

 idiots to the max. men who cheat and easily cheat others deserve to be sent to a rot hole to rot like a moldy bread.

in this modern era. to find a decent single guy with heart, brains, character and self control is like asking a brown monkey to drive a rocket to the moon to pluck kokokrunch growing on a coconut tree.

u so clever, u get the meaning ;)

Give us this day our daily bread..

This is me eating at some fancy Thai BBQ concept restaurant in Gurney, Penang.

Hailing from a small small town called Seremban (where shops close at 9pm n ppl sleep early), to be able to dine at restaurants was an exciting rare treat for me..

after some years in Penang, (also blame the clowning job for free 5star buffets at hotels)  the novelty of restaurant food  faded n my tongue grew pretty picky about good food n was quick to judge, complain n push away "common" food. (ask any of my frens n they will rant about me WASTING alot of food easily)

This is a bowl of rice. u and i eat see rice so often it means nothing much to us. its just plain food to fill the tummy. its not like abalone or foie gras (duck liver) that is exotic n expensive. its just white good old rice. something we have always had since childhood until now..

This is the view from my rented room window. 

Today i witness something that broke my heart n left me very troubled. As i was sipping juice n watching online movies i heard the dustbin lid open n sounds of scrunching plastic bags ensued.

I had cleared the kitchen earlier this morning throwing away 2 big black bags of expired can food, eggs, rotten veggies, melted candies n bottles of half consumed ketchup,mayo and seasoning.(by all ex housemates left behind)

To my horror there was a thin malay man opening the plastic bags (within the green bin u can see) and taking out mushy food n collecting it inside his bag!! (even my half eaten cheesy junkfood plastic bag i threw cause it went soft he was taking home!)

 i stood there horrified not knowing what to say for a minute. i quickly went downstairs to the gate n asked "pak cik, makanan tu dah rosak, dah luput dari tahun lalu!" (u cannot eat this stuff, many have expired beyond consumption!)

He bowed his head n softly said " tak apa, bawa balik tengok apa yang keluarga pak cik boleh makan, u tak mau lagi kan semua ni?" (its ok, i'll just take back and see which ones can feed my family, u sure u dont want them no more?)

My heart broke into a million tiny pieces as i saw him go thru moldy stuff n thought, no human being should ever be eating out of the rubbish bin.

 i dashed into the house, took the very few stuff edible in the house (rice, pepper, salt, maggie mee, butter, spaghetti n apples- which were new) put it into a plastic bag n told him to take this n leave the expired food.

i wanted to offer money but i didnt want to bruise his ego. he took alot of stuff i threw out this morning like old clothes n Tupperware n handbags n small decorations..he stood under the sun for 40 minutes going thru the rubbish n putting wanted stuff into his bag..

the malay man told me he worked as a security guard at night n daytime he would search for things in other ppl's rubbish. i felt SO HUMBLED n ASHAMED of myself. here was a man digging for food n things to continue life itself while i selfishly waste food, throw things and complain about having nothing.

 he thanked me many times (nobody around and i kept coming out to see he okay or not under the blistering sun) and eventually after a few trips of collecting stuff he left..

*God does work in mysterious ways. to drive home a message he gave me a lesson i will never forget.

I really want to help the poor, feed the hungry and clothe the cold, i dont know how to get the resources or chance to do so? i feel so helpless..

I can only hope for a better future for that malay man and the many more hungry poor ppl in the world today..=(

she dies silently

who is the girl smiling and frowning,

the one with personality disorders?

she cries silently to sleep

wondering how something so strong could turn out so weak

how expectations turn into disappointments,

how independence and confidence turned into bitterness and self loathing

in confusion, in delusion

gasping for oxygen, reaching out for a life float.

the sun is shining but all she sees are rainy days of gloom

people laugh at the face of adversity

but she writhes with emotional struggle

crumbles like sawdust,

 friends and family become strangers

and slowly everything once familiar becomes alien

dawn comes and nothing changes

she floats with the wind like dandelions,

too weak, too ignorant to stand up and fight,

 the fire within has died and so has she.

Bitch strikes again!

 I think if i were to write a bitch series i could compile a novel and it would sell like hotcakes..

sadly this is reality and the best publishing i can ever do is blog publishing..

anyways, for those following my bloggie will know who i'm referring to

Today's cup of wrath:

i purposely woke up 6am something to brush teeth n then started to:

1.Boil water, change the hot water into flask, fill all water bottles in the fridge

 2.sweep the entire downstairs house and his room

3. Fold his bedsheetes and comforter.

4. Washed the dishes from yesterday's dinner( i wasnt even at that dinner)

5. Take in the laundry and wipe the metal hanger attached from the ceiling to prepare for comforter washing. almost fell down from the slippery wet stool.

 6.change the sheets n blanket and WASHED by hand ( it feels numb now, u try squeezing and carrying a 10 ton wet thick comforter! , SQUEEZE soak, RINSE and only can put into washing machine to tumble dry- (THAT is the Queen's house rule)

7. Wash the downstairs toilet by scrubbing on my knees ( i'm reminded of cinderella)

 8. Ate a bun i bought and dozed down with water

 9. took 3 freakin buses to go home (his house-island plaza-komtar-sg2) and i did alot of walking in between with my laundry and things. it took me 2 hours waiting and sitting in the bus like an idiot. looking like a mad woman. My scooter was parked at home for fear of dying on the road. 

  

 ALL THE ABOVE i did for him and because the QUEEN has knee problems so i tried to help her relieve her pain and make things better for everybody. i try my best not to make a sound to wake anybody ( boyfie sleeping like a pig due to work exhaustion)

 but what did i get in return?

i over heard her whispering to the father in hokkien :

" SHE IS TRYING TO SPOIL MY WASHING MACHINE. SHE MAKES TOO MUCH NOISE. IF NOT SINCERE IN DOING DON'T DO ANYTHING (yea rite, then blankets n all will stink cause she says its my duty to clean them) WORST- she kept repeating SHE NEVER SOAK IT OVERNIGHT ITS NOT CLEAN, IT WILL SMELL...bla bla bla..."

  

 My ears really burned at that point but i told myself what the heck, i DONT EVEN DO THIS AT MY OWN HOUSE and ur not even grateful. i dont give a toot lah..after all the chores i walked myself to the nearest bus stop (which was not very near) and felt the happiest when i lost sight of that dreadful house.. 

I really dont care no more to fight back or complain cause nothing changes, nothing will..

cant wait to graduate and get my own house and car and NEVER depend on anybody EVER!

Cutting remarks

i just finnish forcing myself to sit down and study a little bit for my brain test this saturday. its just 1 hour but i felt my whole body just started to decompose in living daylight. Studying is painful to me. i cant sit down and concentrate! it aint my thing.

i HATE all sorts of exams and test and whatever that evaluates me. Even from childhood days i detested it and the pressure of evaluation has the power to change my mood into a bitch, insomnia and worst- i fall sick super easily before the evaluation. weird? yes..even piano exams freaked me out !! now i think back..the car license exam, motor exam, balloon test, interviews, multiple hundreds of  school test and exams, public exams , bible quiz in church, scrutinized by bf's family and rubbish etc.. ALL MAKE ME very frustrated and edgy! 

REVOLTING bitchy evaluations!! shit

sadly, even after uni i cant run away from it! future job and life..haihz..

Honestly speaking my motivation is low, i'm very irritated n sleepy rite now.

Just to share a few words from the bible reading i did tonight to end this bad week:

 Proverbs 12:18

 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise bring healing.

Truthful lips endure forever but a lying tongue lasts only for a moment.

No harm befalls the righteous but the wicked have their fill of trouble.

Unhealthy attitudes of anger, frustration,irritation, stress, guilt and insecurity all contribute to damaging speech. Words have the power to build up or tear down. i find myself guilty of slander, gossip and cursing. The reading was applicable today. Time to watch what i say. I want to have a life LESS of trouble.

 i apologize if i'm acting weird or saying things that are awful..it will all go away soon.

mode: Stress

THIS IS THE CONDITION OF MY beloved MOTOR!!

the metal bracket broke off with my motor body hence it had to be taken apart like some lego set ( no battery,oil tank, wires and body) and solder back with iron. I was more horrified to find out that it was an accident bike with many patches before this (its a2nd hand scooter)

My mood is cranky due to PMS, lack of sleep, clowning work that i have to reject cause i promised to spend more time with Buan and also due to the fact that my motor is down and i have no car, i'm short on money, i'm angry the sat test cant come faster cause its nerve wrecking waiting to sit for it (eventho its short and simple) , i'm angry that Buan is demanding these days, i'm angry with the state of my face with billions of pimples coming out destroying my good skin.

HELL i'm angry with everything!

to cool down i was editing some photos of recent activities and it did put out that fire in me.. among them were-

German food that Buan brought me to eat during weekend. top is pork chop and bottom is chicken 

i got to meet with Jamie in church last sunday..i missed her ever since she went to KL to study! she was my loyal sit next to me buddy in church

The crazy bunch of hometown friends came to penang (one is hiding away from this pic) just to eat lunch. they were on a road trip and i had to skip thai class to bring them out!

i got to try the new MCD shaker (with cheese) reminds me of Super Ring i use to buy when primary school time. currently collecting the Powerpuff Girls from happy meal. (this week is the last one) 

Got to celebrate moon cake festival with all my housemates (excluding Jave cause he was busy) we ate BUFFET streamboat + bbq!! i ate tons of fried sotong and ice creams!! WHEEE

So if i look at life at the end of the day its not miserable, its just packed this weekend and i have many commitments to fulfilled..sometimes its so burdensome, sometimes its better no uni, no bf, no clowning, no expectations...sigh..God give me strength and wisdom to survive this week. Thank u. Amen