week 7- monster kids deserve more

Yes the teaching profession will either MAKE u or BREAK u. nothing much inbetween.

there is so much to it. there is so much pain , tears, sickness, stress and sadness. but there is also hope, laughter, touching moments and gratitude.
i have cried, sighed, fallen ill and laughed and cried all over again. nobody can really understand what teachers go thru unless u have taught a bunch of monsters urself.

let me share an except from my fb lament yesterday & today morning:

YESTERDAY: 

My bloodpressure shot right thru the roof! 

While teaching my monsters were group fighting with next class, 1kid rocked fell down n broke a chair, the malay dude spit all over the indian girl's table n face, another boy was crying cause his fren poked him with a jangka lukis, another kid kept going out to look at chickens and another one singing karaoke n pulling the girl's tudung another fella stealing frens stationary n shouting. Rest of them either destroying furniture, sleeping or fighting. 

ArgHH!!!!!#@*%%+**

TODAY:

Hebat news of the day : masuk puasatime monsters become worst
1. Form4 girl hits n rips off form2 girl tudung throw into drain n pulls her ear.
2. Form 2 girl runs away from house cause parents lock her in for sleeping around.
3. Form 5boys like grand thef auto operation steal people's car tyres at night n sells em. All 4 of them.
4. Bunch of boys follow hated teacher home n destroys gate.
5. Go around stealing ppl cows n goats middle of the night to sell during raya time.
It's amazing how teachers here r still alive.

this does not include the many times they tried to steal stuff like stationary from my bag while i turned away or rudely call me as Sandra eh sandra amoi mari sini! nor does it erase of all the horror stories i've heard from senior teachers about the crime rate, violence level and disappointment mostly.

But as i was talking to abel i realised something. i couldnt stand n run now. i've given them a spark of hope. everyone has been disappointing them so all in return they only know how to return disappointment. In teaching i have been thinking more like an adult, making wiser decisions, being more serious in conversation and thought. it has sparked my intellectual part of myself i never knew i once had. i like the feeling of being in control of my mind n thoughts for the first time in my life not everything is a mush or a blur.

I HAVE NEVER WORKED SO HARD in my 25 YEARS OF LIVING.
i sometimes think whether i'm enjoying it or going plain mad due to abnormal stress.

UNENDING paperwork that i hate to do in sch

paperwork has to be brought home on weekends to continue due to sloppy previous teacher's work i redo everything!

precious sight i will treasure most. Grandma helped me cut out worksheets for pbs. very touched. i love u!

Today i saw a senior teacher with 20 years under her belt CRY in the toilet cause of too much work pressure n rudeness of students. i'm looking into the toilet mirror n asking myself what if 20 years down the line i crack n break under pressure??

A little voice inside me said : i may be weak but in my weakness my God is strong. hence i will BE strong. i will fight all this. all the emo and physical pain n heartache. i go to sch so early and leave LAST in the staff room. i labour on eventho feeling v hungry n tired because i cannot see sloppy work or be unprepared for lessons or leave paperwork to the last minute.

i created this to remind myself WHY i fight so hard its because once upon a time somebody gave me a second chance in my life.

 i will fight for what i think is right at the moment. body mind n soul i will push.

 please dont let me regret...

storytelling time with my kids

Hello class!

haha..today for once i went to sch and i went home feeling purposeful.

God does work in miraculous ways only yesterday i felt like shit n giving up and i just prayed to give me a purpose to push on and today just before recess i got my prayer answered :)

I had to relieve 3M class for 1 hour. they were like the last class out of 10 classes. the teachers said they were a rambunctious uncontrollable rude freaky bunch so it kinda put me on my toes the moment i stepped in. True enough by the first 10 minutes turned into horror as the malay boy threatened to punch the lights out of the Indian boy next to him for reporting to discipline teacher about his smoking escapes in sch toilet. To escape so much tension in their small confined class i took them to the library. omg..the journey to the library itself set 15 of them running in different directions n i had to scream threaten n play hide n seek to catch them back. they were even hiding under the fire extinguisher hose, under the bench, behind curtains n some standing between ledge to make fun of me searching for them! haiyo such rascals indeed!

After much screaming n merciless running around i caught all of them into the library to read or just sit around FAR from each other to ease the tension and just stop fighting among one another. (dont be surprised as quiet little tudung girls will suddenly get up, scream, box n hit boys back right in front of ur eyes n they both will be yelling obscenities at the top of the voices even with me around)

after 45 minutes i was walking around and to my great astonishment the naughtiest rascal in class with a scruffy face and untucked shirt looked up at me n said "ticer, ajar i baca buku cerita english speaking la"

So i took the nearest kindergarden picture book and we opened the 1st page n i asked him to read the 1st sentence " Once upon a time, there lived a poor boy named Jack and his mother". The kid could not even go past the first 3 words n choked n looked to me for help. Oh no, the boy could not read. at 15 years old i realized so many of them in this class COULD NOT READ. it broke my heart...i mean WHAT WERE THE TEACHERS BEFORE THIS DOING?!!15 years just wasted?! how could this happen in today's modern society?!

Seeing how difficult it was i didnt want to discourage the poor kid so i helped him thru the 1st page n without realizing we had a little circle sitting down to listen as i translated n gave meaning to each word. It was a miracle as i narrated the story and pointed at pictures n made sound effects as if i was clowning, the boys just sat there n KEPT QUIET listening instead of talking for the 1st time ever!

 So 15 minutes later on when the story ended, the same boy looked at me and said "best lah ticer, minggu depan kita baca cerita lain ok?" and he smiled at me. i had made friends with a notorious kid which was actually quite nice inside :) and i smiled back.

Can u ever believe it, the whole bunch had NEVER heard the story of " Jack n the Beanstalk". NEVER HEARD before in their lives. and i was so ignorant thinking everybody shared the same good childhood i once had. what an eyeopener this was.. 

later on, i went to relieve 5 Landskap also the last of the last form 5 class and i just talked to the 7 of them and found out that all of them have night jobs cause their families were soo poor, they have never heard of a Chinese wedding, never heard stories of Penang and its wonders and they just told me random funny things like asking me to go eat cendul or rendang at their pasar malam stall . The worst of the bunch are actually the nice, hardworking decent ones because they have so often been misunderstood n alienated just because they dont perform well academically other ppl just label them as "hopeless" which is so sad as well.

Its weird to have to have little people calling me "Ticer Ticer" or "Sentra" in the hallways and repeated telling the class, good morning sit down or keep quiet!! Stop fighting!! Sit down!!
 I'm trying to get used to malay girls kissing my hand (salam) in respect when the class ends and i'm trying to adapt to the limited choices of food in sch n surrounding area (penang food has made my tongue very picky indeed). Heck, i'm even trying to speak BM in one straight line without adding any hokkien or english or halt trying to think of a translation in my brain. its all so new n so tiring! haha

and today was the first time, even though i was not formally teaching in a classroom setting, i had done something worthwhile in my life. and i went home so tired but satisfied for i had turned into a student n learned new things from my students. see la, how ironic how the world works...

why am i even in sch?

Hi dear readers :)

this is my 3rd week as a teacher and today i survived monday blues!

cant believe i'm still hanging on. i mean look at me! i havent quit! omg saying this at this point makes me feel like superwoman wei ! means i'm stronger than i tot i was..thank u for all ur support that has directly and  indirectly helped me thru and thru. Sometimes when i'm alone in sch i think back of all the words ppl have told me verbally n written and it lifts my spirits to know that i'm not alone, that i'm doing something right and to never stop fighting.

view from my sch window..hecters n hecters of oil palm n plantations...

current plan is to hold on for another 3 months cause bad news- $alary only comes in after 3 months of paperwork n registration thingy..owhh shitty rite? they expect us to eat air, photosynthesize like plants for food n walk to sch cause all that no need money wan. genius of a boss up there. all teachers my batch are suffering the same fate as well.

So many ppl asking..so wats ur future plan ah?

simple answer i'm going to struggle thru these 3 months n decide whether i wanna continue long term or just quit n go back penang.

Sometimes i get so fed up of answering i just say yaya..i'm good. teaching so good why dont like..bla bla all is good and those nosy uncle n aunties stop bugging my life.

my workdesk where i sit alone.

But deep down i still feel very miserable indeed. my life in my cousin's house is more than good but the life during worktime..haih.. i promised to never speak evil of my sch n teaching so i wont. I still dont have timetable yet u know. means i go to sch do nothing but relief classes n sit in my corner by myself counting down hours to go home..what a wasteful existence n waste of youth n talent.

I dare say the only good thing is i get my weekends off, i get to go church n for once live a normal life with my family n loved ones all over again..i only LOVE WEEKENDS!! jalan jalan, see him, eat alot, sleep alot, got mom homecook food n do free laundry n just feeling cared for. (so directly after 12noon bell on friday i shoot on highway tekan minyak terus go home- shows how desperate i am to run from sch and all its biro admin crap)

breakfast made with love :)

We saw a clown (his name is Lolypop) in jusco on saturday. i was so excited i tell u. just watching the clown made my heart skip a million beats! we lined up n waited quite long n i made my own balloon sculpture. touching the balloon, hearing the familiar squashing noises of twisting it n watching the kids around the clown made me SOOOOOOOO nostalgic. i wanted to be Creampuff the clown again. i wanted to just fly back to penang asap!

 it made my heart tore once again between family and teaching and home VS love and penang freedom and events job. i hate to be stuck in these situations. to be selfish or just be filial? to be safe or be constantly worrying abt cash? to be confined with rules or to live life independently free? 

i just wish i had more wisdom and insight to choose the better of these choices cause when the time comes i will certainly have to sacrifice one and pay for the consequences :(

break the wings of the butterfly

I miss the days when i use to be so carefree happy. when my eyes sparkled with life n i woke up so positive  and ready to conquer the world!

I have to say, after yesterday's blogpost about my rants at the paddy field i never expected such overwhelming response n replies from people all over. thank u! :) Most of them were encouraging n supportive but u know lah, got good also got bad wan. 

I even received hate mail from a bunch of people (no need to mention who) saying that my previous blogpost was uncalled for. that i was a moron for shaming my parents in public n making myself look so pathetic. that i was not worth respecting and that i'm an ass and i'm not grateful to anything my family has ever given me. it also mentioned that i had lousy character n temperamental blah blah *pause n reread hate mail* 

In my defense i'm here to address all people who feel the same way (that i'm an ass useless daughter who blogs too much personal stuff online n risk getting mocked by readers).

1. This is MY BLOG. i will freaking write, complain, rejoice, post photos and videos of whatever and whoever i please as long as its the truth! If u dislike reading what i have to write then just dont click into my website so simple nia. If u hate eating vegetables will u walk into a vegetarian shop and order?! no rite? so please do the same n save urself from reading my blog if ur on the anti-sandra team. 

2. Secondly, after much thought i am very sorry to my parents for saying hurtful things n using bad words (which is frowned upon in the house). I'm sorry for making mom cry n dad flying furious with my unaccepted behaviour. I am sorry for not being the perfectionist daughter and living up to standarts but I WILL NOT be sorry for what i feel before i came here and the current situation. all that sadness, frustration and anger is REAL! 100% real n hurtful.

3. I realised how ironic it is. When i received the posting and rejected teruk teruk to NOT GO i had a hard time cause they said i was silly to reject the golden bowl and alot of objections kept pouring in until i drowned in guilt n tot of giving it a try. When i'm ALREADY here i still get objections teruk teruk. so what difference does it make whether i rejected or took up the posting?! both ways also i'm the bad guy. its like walking left to be eaten by a tiger and walking right to be eaten by a crocodile. BOTH WAYS ALSO its a dead end of death.

4. If u dont already know, i'm an english major. and to think that i have lashed out ALL profanities and crudeness in my previous hate blogpost u are soooooooo wrong!!!

 i have enough arsenal of vocab to curse n contaminate the entire pacific ocean to DIE, revive the Kraken n swallow all of u whole and i only used the mildest words to describe the horrible torture i have to endure. U think i'm inconsiderate? ur lucky i have not open 1 post just to blast u back for making me so angry this morning. oh boy i have sugarcoated everything soo much because i dont want to hurt the people around me.

5. I freaking broke down and cried in class today (right in front of the kids) after reading the hate msg n rethinking about my stupid stupid decisions in life. I wanted to jump off the 4th floor this morning. u think i'm joking but i'm not. The funniest thing is NONE of my 40 students saw me cry or blow my nose for 30 minutes as they were busy talking, fighting with each other ignoring the weird Chinese teacher in front. i'm so lucky i got away from explaining cause they couldn't be bothered.

6. I feel like a chunck of me is left in penang, i feel empty inside. i go to work looking at my watch counting down the hours to go home nia.

i hate being judged, i hate being locked up in a place where none of my opinions or ideas will ever take action. Its like capturing a butterfly n breaking off its wings n putting it in a jar to suffocate n die. That is how i feel right now. but do u care? no...do u understand ? no... all u know is that i'm a pampered selfish bitch who wants the comfortable life n doing things my way.

If i wanted the good life i would have taken it a long time ago. which blimmering idiot girl rejects a proposal and instead stubbornly works her ass of renting a small room in a place far from her comfortable house, falling sick regularly, taking care of everything big n small alone, worrying about insufficient money everymonth and worrying about pleasing my parents in everyway. Which idiot would do that for passion?! *raise hand* ME!! i'm that idiot. and u have no right to call me pampered or selfish because my decision to leave my passion, my love n my life in penang is the greatest sacrifice i can ever give anybody. and i chose to give it to my parents. not my boyfren or not to chase a high paying carrier. I am grateful to every cent mom n dad paid thru my studying years and all the moral support they rendered in my rock bottom times. I AM grateful thats why i went againts all odds n ppl advicing me to be selfish n ignore my parents- i said no i will try to make them happy. REMEMBER that fact the next time u want to point fingers at me moron.

I used to be so fun. I use to sparkle and get amazed at small things. i would laugh like a girl n loved people wholeheartedly without biasness. now i cant see light in my eyes. i see hollowness n emptiness resounding in the place where my soul used to be on fire.

After today's fiasco of crying in class i kicked myself n i'm not gonna complain no more. i'm just gonna swallow my pride n soilder on . Mom advice "if u have nothing good to say dont say it at all". Okay, i try to apply this line into my life. I WILL NOT speak evil of my short pathetic teaching life no more for all it brings is conflict n hate n negative feelings. no more!! eww.. begone!! i will survive this shit and pull myself together.

The last thread of happiness i have is my blog. and to stop asking me to blog about my feelings is robbing me of the last thing that keeps me sane.

Because He lives.

I dedicate this song to all my dear bloggie readers.

to all those who are living in fear, in uncertainty, fighting demons within and having conflicts in work/relationships i encourage u. to not give up. not now because hope is alive. because as long as Jesus is there, u can be assured ur life is within control, within repair and greatly loved :)

as a happy go lucky go clown i too have emotional twisting moments, i also struggle in distress and lie awake thinking about life. i have to be reminded repeatedly that i can lean on him. My God, my protector n gentle fren. i have found to see take comfort in that so can u :)

Because he lives i can face tomorrow,

because he lives all fear is gone,

because i know he holds the future.

and life is WORTH the living just because he lives.

blowing bubbles to heaven

Hi dear readers

I am worried of what is about to come.
it feels so out of my control. i cannot imagine how it will be in Malacca and how will things in Penang be while i'm gone. so much uncertainty u know.

but i'm reminded that my God is bigger than all my problems.
He who created this wide wide universe would certainly take care of my itsy bitsy problem and my life for he has never disappointed me then n will never let me down in the future.

When i read this poster above 2 weeks ago it made no sense cause i'm not planning to get married anytime soon but yesterday the most amazing thing happened.

out of the blue, we were casually talking when He held my hands n said 2 magical words i couldn't believe (cause i never expected it).

"Lets pray"

He knelt down on the cold hard floor and prayed for me. 

for all the things i was previously worried about. also the things i never said out loud or requested but he said em all out in prayer.

and deep in my heart i knew despite the odds and little time we have together...that he is the right one. until now i cannot believe how blessed i am.

simply because 12 years ago as a teenager i asked God daily for a guy who not only accepted & loved me but would someday pray with me, for me and support me spiritually and i could do the same viva versa.

i never expected God to remember my prayer from the past. It is well with my soul and all things are beautiful in God's timing. the feeling of getting material presents n physical hugs is nice but the feeling of having him to pray for me is simply  priceless

A simple life and simple love has made me so complete :)

the road less taken

seremban i'm coming home.

I have given it much thought, sleepless nights n endless mourning.

to put to rest the turbulence in my heart and soul i must go back

i must set things right.

i must try n try i will even though its against my own will.

no matter how much i fight it in the end, i still love my family first n foremost n i will do everything i can to honour my parents. even at the cost of sacrificing my time n money. hopefully one day they can through my eyes.

wish me luck n pray for me. when the time comes u will know what has happened.

in the road less taken i hope the path i tread is the right one.

goodbye penang . imagine i'm going for a holiday. a holiday with a mission.

 to fufill their wishes n to have peace in my mind. 

I have my sanity because i have u.

 wait for my return dear loved one :)

sand in my eyes

hi dear readers

the past week has been quite an emotional turmoil ever since the teaching posting came out.

many are eager to hear WHY oh WHY is sandra giving the posting up?

has she lost it and gone bonkers? what about financial security? how is she going to survive now? oh why so stupid.

these are actual questions being bombarded into my ears n my parents too have to suffer the torment of busybodies asking n probing n waiting to compare n laugh at what they think is my downfall.

Seriously i am troubled too.

i am so flustered its giving me bad insomia n ED once again.

 rethinking abt the choice that i've taken, the plans i have made. will they be enough? what if i do fail? what if one day i wake up n regret not going to melacca and slaving my life off for financial security.

I feel so small and stupid at the moment.

i know for sure i dont want to go down teaching line n conform to the regular rat race. I have seen the downside of teaching as i live with teachers.

I dont want to be a slave to the government, get disillusioned after many years , lose my passion, waste precious time in sch overworking n neglecting my kids at home, always having JUST enough money never more, being conformed to stupid rules n regulations that kill all creativity n ideas n potential to grow. for the next 30 years i'm stuck doing a repeated job like a robot. 

Oh times have changed, teachers are no longer appreciated in by majority of students and discipline problems have soared to dangerous levels beyond ur imagination. u think i'm kidding, ask ur teacher today.

Sadly all the money/health benefits in the world cannot buy back the time ROBBED from my childhood as i watched them give their attention n time to working..even with teachers at home, i had to go tuition to learn, i had to be left at the babysitter, i hardly had my parents send/pick me up from school and many times when i just wanted to talk n bond over issues during my teenage years NOBODY HAD THE TIME damn it.

 and with so much facts yet WHY AM I DOUBTING MYSELF AT THIS POINT?!

Eversince i realised how the word "love" operated in my family i have always strived to be good in whatever i was doing. by nature i'm easy going n happy go lucky so i hated competing with others n working hard and yet if i was not "good" enough i wont be loved by my dad or seen as worthy and accepted by my extended family (which labelled u successful only if u excel in either getting damn good results or earning damn good money) . this irrational fear has been fossiled in my head until this very day.

and at this moment when i type this post my coursemates are at their respective states taking the posting letter n gleefully going to their respective schools. yes i do feel left behind and it hurts me alot. but hey i tell myself i have chosen my OWN path. why look back in regret?

To cut myself off the education line is like treachery to my community.

everybody is now AGAINSTs me. the pressure is so immense nobody can understand. 

they dont understand many things. all the negativism i get makes me feel like a little child trapped in an adults body. incapable of pushing away emotions n thinking rationally like a full grown person.

please lah, i wont be clowning my entire life. i have bigger plans ahead, to do sales/ push the insurance job forward n eventually run a business that i always dreamed of. then when i am better off financially oh how i would love to just do all the charity/social work i want to do in the days when i was penniless. 

to contribute money n time to my 1st and utmost passion which is to feed the homeless, teach n supplying books for the illiterate children, volunteering at SPCA n supporting the missions doing God's work and serving by teaching sunday school in church. Currently I don't have weekends off  due to my clowning timetable hence all my dreams to do charity have to be put on hold.

 Oh how nice when it comes a day when i can work to support myself, my family n bless all the people who need it..:) the idea of it is like a sparkle that lifts the whole gloom in my head.

the years to come are going to be SOOOOOOOOOO hard since i handed off my "golden security bowl" and broke my parents heart all in one same week :(

 I will not take the easy road out by running home n save tons of money or neither will i take a shortcut by doing some unspeakable things. I have made a choice n i have to grow up n stand by it.

and basically i am afraid. i am afraid of not being good enough, to fall n not being able to get up. not being successful to achieve my 5 year goal and not being able to bring honour to the family and feel worthy again. to just be good enough. What i want is visible to me and yet i allow fear to block my vision. I need God's wisdom n peace so much at this time, and i shamelessly ask for all ur prayers n support too..

Left with a dead end.

there is so much pain in my heart now that i can hardly breathe.

no its not the heartache caused by love/affection for a guy

rather its the groaning of my heart from rejection from my own family.

why must the tables turn on me today?

while other teachers are rejoicing at the prospects of going to new sch to teach my world came tumbling down when i found out mine.

why must i get posted to Malacca and not some timbaktu place where rejecting the teaching posting will be so much more easier n acceptable. why cant give the posting to somebody more deserving than i?

why make me choose between family n money? 

why not hear the cry of my heart? does my voice not count in your ears? does my tears mean nothing in your eyes?

 WHY must everything boil back to financial security? money money n more filthy disgusting word of money. 

i detest being driven by money. 

i dont argue that money is indeed important but i will NEVER SLAVE and SELL my soul for money security n be awfully depressed for the next 30 years doing a job u hate is worst than being stuck in an abusive marriage or being sold to prostitution!

how can one say my love/passion for both my jobs dont count because its all foolish dreams like building castles in the air? how can u say my clowning n insurance job is not enough. i'm not pushing drugs or doing an illegal job or living off welfafe. every cent i earn comes from my own sweat, blood n tears.

 EVERYTHING I DO IS NEVER ENOUGH damn it. 

nothing can express how sad n frustrated i am. worst cut in my life cause this involves my parents. their will against mine.

i detest being forced to engage in a job that i have no interest in doing. TEACHING IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA then why FORCE IT DOWN MY THROAT? in this world there are plenty of jobs to do and i'm not handicapped nor stupid. just let me do what i love to do then develop from there... its not where i get, not how much money involved, not what kinda students i meet or what subjects i have to teach ..main point is I have long decided NOT TO EVER TEACH.

why cant anybody listen to what i have to say or respect what i have decided?

why push me to the edge of the cliff n make me choose between following ur dreams and calling my own dreams selfish. there are choices in my era compared to urs. but even that choice is robbed from my hands.

i love my family n respect my parents very much. i dont blame them in fact i owe my education, my life to them. and now the guilt is eating into my soul. to choose to pursue my own path or to dishonour my parents n make God sad :(

to me, my family n God is everything. i have 9 days to decide n every second it ticks down it kills me more n more...to make 1 important decision at this time is to take a chopping knife n either choose to cut off my right arm or left arm. 

 either way it will hurt n bleed like hell....

She is my superhero, my mom

Mommy,

if ur reading this

i want to say that you mean the world to me.

i know how lucky i am to be your daughter.

i cringe at the thought of what if i was born into another family..and what if by a cruel twist of fate i would never have met you.

you are my inspiration n the person i aspire to be as i grow older.

mommy i am so sorry

for all the terrible i have done against God and you and family u still took me back into your arms n forgave me and let me start anew with a clean slate.

i'm sorry for all the heartache n tears. no mother should ever endure such pain caused by her children.

your recent call and act of kindness made me cry because i never expected you to find out my problems and never expected you to act one step ahead of me. I am already an adult who is suppose to be taking care of you but instead u still need to babyspoon feed me..

to support me in my rock bottom time was like refreshing rain pouring over the desert in times of drought.

I will never forget your utmost patience, generosity, words of wisdom and gentle voice that calms me down in times of calamity..whether i call in panic night or day even thru ur classroom teaching period  u would always  make time for me, 
whenever i wanted something you would buy it or get the task done for me..
i miss living by myself away from you.

It is true what the bible says about a woman after God's heart

She is a friend, a mother, a sister and wife. loving, loyal, steadfast to the end.

She is one who shines all of God's goodness thru her life.

I just ask to be at least half as kind n strong n wise as you are.

i love you. and those words are not enough to express my deepest gratitude n kindred towards you mom.

May God bless you with all things bright n wonderful because i will never be able to repay all of your love  in this short lifetime...

thank you for never giving up on me. for defending me countless times. for all those silent prayers you said on my behalf.

for seeing me thru to this day...

yours,

Ting :)

oldnewspapers traded in for new paper

the hardest part in life is letting go and forgiving

especially to someone who means the world to u

i have done both

not with a blink of an eye but i struggled n cried n prayed n wrestled with God to the point of breaking down.

my soul can finally rest in peace

the Lord has tested my patience, endurance and ability to love

i can let go of him (mr.X) now.

not so much because i have come to love another

but because i finally realized by being alone, the loneliness may be overwhelmingly scary but it is from that fear that cultivates inner strength and wisdom that could never come if i never tasted the bitterness of loneliness.

My eyes were eventually opened n i saw how impossible he would fit into my life..all the differences n conflicts.

if the person was never meant to be then God will remove him/her from ur life.

 u and i may not see the reason or logic now because we use too much of our hearts to feel more than to think

 but time will show that he does knows best n all will work out well.

God loves me. He loves u. and he will never give u 2nd best unless u settle for 2nd best.

Finally i breathe a sigh of relief...

finally at last i'm free from my emotions of wanting to control/have somebody that is not mine.

after 7 tortourous months..i'm lifted of the curse.  i finally learned my lesson on loving and growing.

Understanding O.C.D

HELO HELO HELO DEAR READERS! :)

i have a little confession to make..

its been a long time since i admitted that i suffer from mild mild OCD (its been with me since childhood)- those who watch Big Bang Theory will know Sheldon Cooper has major OCD like knocking Penny's door 3 times and is so damn afraid of getting dirty n contaminated from anybody anything rite?


Same here, when i'm stressed about certain things like exams or things out of my control my OCD gets worst. i tend to clean things repeatedly n have this irrational fear that something bad is about to happen..i also love to arrange things according to colour and order and get irritated when i see things out of place.

when i'm prevented from cleaning or listing down things or completing my mental task i get VERY VERY upset to the point i can start crying out of no where n suffer from insomnia.

so when i clean or arrange or tick things off my list i feel in control and that gives me power and alot of satisfaction. (sometimes u will see me cleaning in the middle of the night cause i cant sleep with the bugging idea that my floor is dusty or the laundry is unwashed in the bucket)

Many ppl actually have different types of OCD and we are not weird people. its just a mental state. 

Please be understanding to people like us. the major types need therapy tho but milder ones can be self controlled.

What is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)?

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and repetitive, ritualized behaviors you feel compelled to perform. If you have OCD, you probably recognize that your obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are irrational – but even so, you feel unable to resist them and break free.

Like a needle getting stuck on an old record, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) causes the brain to get stuck on a particular thought or urge. For example, you may check the stove twenty times to make sure it’s really turned off, wash your hands until they’re scrubbed raw, or drive around for hours to make sure that the bump you heard while driving wasn’t a person you ran over.

Understanding OCD obsessions and compulsions

Obsessions are involuntary, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again in your mind. You don’t want to have these ideas but you can’t stop them. Unfortunately, these obsessive thoughts are often disturbing and distracting.

Compulsions are behaviors or rituals that you feel driven to act out again and again. Usually, compulsions are performed in an attempt to make obsessions go away. For example, if you’re afraid of contamination, you might develop elaborate cleaning rituals. However, the relief never lasts. In fact, the obsessive thoughts usually come back stronger. And the compulsive behaviors often end up causing anxiety themselves as they become more demanding and time-consuming.

Most people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) fall into one of the following categories:

• Washers are afraid of contamination. They usually have cleaning or hand-washing compulsions.
  

• Checkers repeatedly check things (oven turned off, door locked, etc.) that they associate with harm or danger.

• Doubters and sinners are afraid that if everything isn’t perfect or done just right something terrible will happen or they will be punished.

• Counters and arrangers are obsessed with order and symmetry. They may have superstitions about certain numbers, colors, or arrangements.

• Hoarders fear that something bad will happen if they throw anything away. They compulsively hoard things that they don’t need or use.

OCD signs and symptoms: Obsessive thoughts

Common obsessive thoughts in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) include:

• Fear of being contaminated by germs or dirt or contaminating others.
• Fear of causing harm to yourself or others.
• Intrusive sexually explicit or violent thoughts and images.
• Excessive focus on religious or moral ideas.
• Fear of losing or not having things you might need.
• Order and symmetry: the idea that everything must line up “just right.”
• Superstitions; excessive attention to something considered lucky or unlucky.

OCD signs and symptoms: Compulsive behaviors

Common compulsive behaviors in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) include:

• Excessive double-checking of things, such as locks, appliances, and switches.
• Repeatedly checking in on loved ones to make sure they’re safe.
• Counting, tapping, repeating certain words, or doing other senseless things to reduce anxiety.
• Spending a lot of time washing or cleaning.
• Ordering or arranging things “just so.”
• Praying excessively or engaging in rituals triggered by religious fear.
• Accumulating “junk” such as old newspapers or empty food containers.

Miscellaneous Obsessions

• Need to know or remember (e.g. if hears part of some information, the person needs to hear the rest)
• Fear of saying certain things
• Fear of not saying just the right thing (e.g. need to be perfectly understood)
• Fear of losing things
• Lucky and/or unlucky numbers (i.e. that 4 is good and 13 is bad)
• Colors with special significance (i.e. red is bad because of the devil, etc.)
• Superstitious fears (e.g. can't step on a crack)
• Fear that one already has terrible illness or disease

Unusual Obsessions

• Excessive concern with body part of aspect of appearance (not weight related)
• Bothered by certain sounds or noises
• Intrusive (non-violent) images (i.e. cartoons, faces, clouds)
• Intrusive nonsense sounds, words, or music
• Losing one's personality or positive qualities

In conclusion, i'm a mixture of a hoarder, arranger and doubter. i might have to do things in a certain order n in my own way so dont get angry when u see the ocd manifest.

I think i'm not mad. If u suffer from mild OCD u are not mad either.

Learned a new thing by reading this article? are u OCD too? share ur experience with me! :) 

ok, have a wonderful day sunshines!! *over n out*