5 minute laughter! (funny)

HI DEAR READERS!!

time to de-stress and laugh at these no brainer recycled jokes (credits to Nesha for all =)

 HUSBAND.

A HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM CHURCH;
HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP.
HE THEN CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE.

THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED AND SHE ASKED "DID THE BISHOP PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"?

THE HUSBAND SAID, "NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS."

A senior citizen. A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.  Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Z4, enjoying pushing the pedal  to the metal even more.  Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police  car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180 kph,  then 190, then 200kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!".  So he pulled over  to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with  him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW,  looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,   I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted : $10.
Teacher : You don't know maths.
Ted : You don't know my father!

Mother : David, come here.
David : Yes, mum?
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?

Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8

Father : So?

Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?  

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter : It's mummy!
Father : How do you know?
Daughter : She didn't say anything.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Teacher : Simon, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son : That's why I say she's no good!

Teacher: 'Where were u born?'
Student: ' Singapore , Sir.'
Teacher: 'Which part?'
Student: 'All of me, Sir.'

A teacher was asking her class: 'What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?' 
Only one hand shot up.
'Ok, answer, Joan' said the teacher.
''unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle.'

Teacher: 'How come you do not comb your hair?'
Ah Kow: 'No comb, Sir.'
Teacher: 'Use your dad's then.'
Ah Kow: 'No hair, Sir.'

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
'What did u get?' asked his father.
'My marks are under water,' said the boy.
'What do u mean 'under water'?'
'They are all below 'C' (sea) level'