sand in my eyes

hi dear readers

the past week has been quite an emotional turmoil ever since the teaching posting came out.

many are eager to hear WHY oh WHY is sandra giving the posting up?

has she lost it and gone bonkers? what about financial security? how is she going to survive now? oh why so stupid.

these are actual questions being bombarded into my ears n my parents too have to suffer the torment of busybodies asking n probing n waiting to compare n laugh at what they think is my downfall.

Seriously i am troubled too.

i am so flustered its giving me bad insomia n ED once again.

 rethinking abt the choice that i've taken, the plans i have made. will they be enough? what if i do fail? what if one day i wake up n regret not going to melacca and slaving my life off for financial security.

I feel so small and stupid at the moment.

i know for sure i dont want to go down teaching line n conform to the regular rat race. I have seen the downside of teaching as i live with teachers.

I dont want to be a slave to the government, get disillusioned after many years , lose my passion, waste precious time in sch overworking n neglecting my kids at home, always having JUST enough money never more, being conformed to stupid rules n regulations that kill all creativity n ideas n potential to grow. for the next 30 years i'm stuck doing a repeated job like a robot. 

Oh times have changed, teachers are no longer appreciated in by majority of students and discipline problems have soared to dangerous levels beyond ur imagination. u think i'm kidding, ask ur teacher today.

Sadly all the money/health benefits in the world cannot buy back the time ROBBED from my childhood as i watched them give their attention n time to working..even with teachers at home, i had to go tuition to learn, i had to be left at the babysitter, i hardly had my parents send/pick me up from school and many times when i just wanted to talk n bond over issues during my teenage years NOBODY HAD THE TIME damn it.

 and with so much facts yet WHY AM I DOUBTING MYSELF AT THIS POINT?!

Eversince i realised how the word "love" operated in my family i have always strived to be good in whatever i was doing. by nature i'm easy going n happy go lucky so i hated competing with others n working hard and yet if i was not "good" enough i wont be loved by my dad or seen as worthy and accepted by my extended family (which labelled u successful only if u excel in either getting damn good results or earning damn good money) . this irrational fear has been fossiled in my head until this very day.

and at this moment when i type this post my coursemates are at their respective states taking the posting letter n gleefully going to their respective schools. yes i do feel left behind and it hurts me alot. but hey i tell myself i have chosen my OWN path. why look back in regret?

To cut myself off the education line is like treachery to my community.

everybody is now AGAINSTs me. the pressure is so immense nobody can understand. 

they dont understand many things. all the negativism i get makes me feel like a little child trapped in an adults body. incapable of pushing away emotions n thinking rationally like a full grown person.

please lah, i wont be clowning my entire life. i have bigger plans ahead, to do sales/ push the insurance job forward n eventually run a business that i always dreamed of. then when i am better off financially oh how i would love to just do all the charity/social work i want to do in the days when i was penniless. 

to contribute money n time to my 1st and utmost passion which is to feed the homeless, teach n supplying books for the illiterate children, volunteering at SPCA n supporting the missions doing God's work and serving by teaching sunday school in church. Currently I don't have weekends off  due to my clowning timetable hence all my dreams to do charity have to be put on hold.

 Oh how nice when it comes a day when i can work to support myself, my family n bless all the people who need it..:) the idea of it is like a sparkle that lifts the whole gloom in my head.

the years to come are going to be SOOOOOOOOOO hard since i handed off my "golden security bowl" and broke my parents heart all in one same week :(

 I will not take the easy road out by running home n save tons of money or neither will i take a shortcut by doing some unspeakable things. I have made a choice n i have to grow up n stand by it.

and basically i am afraid. i am afraid of not being good enough, to fall n not being able to get up. not being successful to achieve my 5 year goal and not being able to bring honour to the family and feel worthy again. to just be good enough. What i want is visible to me and yet i allow fear to block my vision. I need God's wisdom n peace so much at this time, and i shamelessly ask for all ur prayers n support too..