The report of my new life as a paddy farmer.

hi dear readers

by now many would have known or guess that my short break from Penang to Melacca was to go for the teaching posting.

yea yea some will say that i was so damn against it so why suddenly change mind n go?!! siao ki liao?!

answer is simple just to please my parents. i do love them very much n especially after so much conflict n unresolved anger i gave in n went for "probation" teaching period. meaning i can leave whenever i please.

 i exchanged sacrificed my good life in penang, the people i love, the food and my awesome job n freedom to come to this goddamn paddy field to rot n die.

dont worry i plan to leave asap when my first paycheck comes in (unless i fall in love with teaching which is unlikely as a cow would wear a green polka dot dress.)

the scenery i see everyday to and fro work. paddy n more paddy.

wore this first day of work

wore this second day of work.

TOP THINGS I HATE ABOUT THIS PLACE :

1.The people here both teachers n students are fucking racists. they act like chinese people eat pork n have this infectious disease that can spread thru looking at them in the eyes. NOBODY wants to be my fren or lend me reference books to read. not even the students wanna have conversation with me and give me the weird look. wth man. this is malaysia and the sch is 99.9% malay students 0.01% indians and ZERO chinese.

2.Mentality of 90% teachers n students n makcik canteen all came from caveman period where wearing office wear with skirt over knee length is frowned upon n all of them STARING and COMMENTING at me like i walk around naked n dancing. (just because the rest cover up like penguins doesnt mean i need to change my name to siti sandra n follow). My head panitia doesnt give a hoot about me and has this pelik character of her own. (no wonder her name is still MISS in the front)

3. this is my pathetic looking table crawling with swarms of ants. u cant see them as my camera lousy cannot macro in on them. they crawl over my books, bags, my hands, my baju n when i lie down to nap they crawl over my face. damn it so irritating! the other teachers are immune to bugs so they never complain they consider these army of ants invisible n continue eating n laughing like normal.

4. I was assigned to sit right below this faulty air con unit n water drips on my left arm every 30 minutes o so. imagine sitting underneath this crappy shit n getting watered automatically like some lab plant. this seat is also VERY HOT n stuffy as i'm in the most corner exiled part of the staffroom cramped with 100 teachers. hot + air con dripping n ants is a horrible working condition.

5. There are monkeys living in the trees of the teachers open carpark. apparently they scratch ur car n steal ur mirrors cause they like shinny stuff. the amount of bug level is high not surprisingly cause left n right is forest n the SIZE OF LIZARD is like godzilla!! not to mention numerous chickens n ducks all over sch. they walk around freely making u feel like ur driving into a pasar cum zoo more than a sch.

6. I have no idea why the admin department can be so freaking lazy its already the 2nd week n nobody is working on the timetable so i have no classes at all. so i sit at my sit mostly online with my hp or staring at the ants crossing my table. try doing that daily for 8 hours see u go insane o not!! dah lah nobody wanna talk to me or be my fren i have nothing to do n feel like a complete waste of my life! I HATE IT SO MUCH i almost cried in frustration today morning.

7. The discipline level is low. stupidity level is high. the boys especially are uncontrollable wild just like the monkeys in the carpark. they wolf whistle n call me amoi when i walk pass. i just give them the DEATH STARE. today i asked a form 3 kid what time is it and the guy said "teacher i tak paham apa u cakap". this is the part i feel like slapping myself with my shoes. many are illiterate and NO interest whatsoever to study. main aim come to sch is to "cuci mata" look at girls / guys n most of them get married after spm. wtf man?

There is so so soooooooooooo much more i hate about this teaching life.
 the sch n system is all fcuked up and i'm changing into a passive depressed person i never was before. its so scary its only been 3 days but it feels like robbing 3 years of my youth n potential.

sadness n frustration weigh heavily on my shoulders during sch time. i never felt so blue n useless n meaningless in my entire life, worst than uni final exam depression time. u may say i'm exaggerating but when ur caught in a job that sucks ur energy low, full of negativism n no space for talent to grow u would be suicidal like me.

the only way i revenge against all this crap is by eating junkfood, reading comics and conveniently taking naps on my table whenever i want (principal is a potato who doesnt  know his staff names so he doesnt give a hoot abt me) thus making the other teachers BOIL with jealousy n anger cause they have millions of crapwork to do..wakakaka..

the only time i'm happy n blessed is AFTER WORK!!

i have my awesome cousie Su May and aunt who feeds me, talks to me, so generous with love n care i feel like a normal human being again. their house is so awesomeballs!. they have a piano i can play, a fridge stuffed with food, hot water n nice bathroom, flat screen tv with astro! (forgot how long i never just laze n watch tv after uni started)

 the best blessing was they gave me a ROOM OF MY OWN!!

 it comes with huge working table, 3 fans, 1 aircon, 1 personal tv, own dresser +cupboard and new bed set!! i feel like a princess in the room. OMG!! kindness maximus :) love em for their generosity n warmth. after 5 years in uni, living in a proper house makes me feel so human again and i forget whatever sadness i endured at work. :)

ok la. all i need now is my roti pisang + teh tarik, a race with my pink scooter, a warm hug and clowning n exciting events... sigh..bertahan for the following month first then see how. counting down 28 more days to go. God bless all new teachers. from their stories i know they so need it too! haha..

blowing bubbles to heaven

Hi dear readers

I am worried of what is about to come.
it feels so out of my control. i cannot imagine how it will be in Malacca and how will things in Penang be while i'm gone. so much uncertainty u know.

but i'm reminded that my God is bigger than all my problems.
He who created this wide wide universe would certainly take care of my itsy bitsy problem and my life for he has never disappointed me then n will never let me down in the future.

When i read this poster above 2 weeks ago it made no sense cause i'm not planning to get married anytime soon but yesterday the most amazing thing happened.

out of the blue, we were casually talking when He held my hands n said 2 magical words i couldn't believe (cause i never expected it).

"Lets pray"

He knelt down on the cold hard floor and prayed for me. 

for all the things i was previously worried about. also the things i never said out loud or requested but he said em all out in prayer.

and deep in my heart i knew despite the odds and little time we have together...that he is the right one. until now i cannot believe how blessed i am.

simply because 12 years ago as a teenager i asked God daily for a guy who not only accepted & loved me but would someday pray with me, for me and support me spiritually and i could do the same viva versa.

i never expected God to remember my prayer from the past. It is well with my soul and all things are beautiful in God's timing. the feeling of getting material presents n physical hugs is nice but the feeling of having him to pray for me is simply  priceless

A simple life and simple love has made me so complete :)

sand in my eyes

hi dear readers

the past week has been quite an emotional turmoil ever since the teaching posting came out.

many are eager to hear WHY oh WHY is sandra giving the posting up?

has she lost it and gone bonkers? what about financial security? how is she going to survive now? oh why so stupid.

these are actual questions being bombarded into my ears n my parents too have to suffer the torment of busybodies asking n probing n waiting to compare n laugh at what they think is my downfall.

Seriously i am troubled too.

i am so flustered its giving me bad insomia n ED once again.

 rethinking abt the choice that i've taken, the plans i have made. will they be enough? what if i do fail? what if one day i wake up n regret not going to melacca and slaving my life off for financial security.

I feel so small and stupid at the moment.

i know for sure i dont want to go down teaching line n conform to the regular rat race. I have seen the downside of teaching as i live with teachers.

I dont want to be a slave to the government, get disillusioned after many years , lose my passion, waste precious time in sch overworking n neglecting my kids at home, always having JUST enough money never more, being conformed to stupid rules n regulations that kill all creativity n ideas n potential to grow. for the next 30 years i'm stuck doing a repeated job like a robot. 

Oh times have changed, teachers are no longer appreciated in by majority of students and discipline problems have soared to dangerous levels beyond ur imagination. u think i'm kidding, ask ur teacher today.

Sadly all the money/health benefits in the world cannot buy back the time ROBBED from my childhood as i watched them give their attention n time to working..even with teachers at home, i had to go tuition to learn, i had to be left at the babysitter, i hardly had my parents send/pick me up from school and many times when i just wanted to talk n bond over issues during my teenage years NOBODY HAD THE TIME damn it.

 and with so much facts yet WHY AM I DOUBTING MYSELF AT THIS POINT?!

Eversince i realised how the word "love" operated in my family i have always strived to be good in whatever i was doing. by nature i'm easy going n happy go lucky so i hated competing with others n working hard and yet if i was not "good" enough i wont be loved by my dad or seen as worthy and accepted by my extended family (which labelled u successful only if u excel in either getting damn good results or earning damn good money) . this irrational fear has been fossiled in my head until this very day.

and at this moment when i type this post my coursemates are at their respective states taking the posting letter n gleefully going to their respective schools. yes i do feel left behind and it hurts me alot. but hey i tell myself i have chosen my OWN path. why look back in regret?

To cut myself off the education line is like treachery to my community.

everybody is now AGAINSTs me. the pressure is so immense nobody can understand. 

they dont understand many things. all the negativism i get makes me feel like a little child trapped in an adults body. incapable of pushing away emotions n thinking rationally like a full grown person.

please lah, i wont be clowning my entire life. i have bigger plans ahead, to do sales/ push the insurance job forward n eventually run a business that i always dreamed of. then when i am better off financially oh how i would love to just do all the charity/social work i want to do in the days when i was penniless. 

to contribute money n time to my 1st and utmost passion which is to feed the homeless, teach n supplying books for the illiterate children, volunteering at SPCA n supporting the missions doing God's work and serving by teaching sunday school in church. Currently I don't have weekends off  due to my clowning timetable hence all my dreams to do charity have to be put on hold.

 Oh how nice when it comes a day when i can work to support myself, my family n bless all the people who need it..:) the idea of it is like a sparkle that lifts the whole gloom in my head.

the years to come are going to be SOOOOOOOOOO hard since i handed off my "golden security bowl" and broke my parents heart all in one same week :(

 I will not take the easy road out by running home n save tons of money or neither will i take a shortcut by doing some unspeakable things. I have made a choice n i have to grow up n stand by it.

and basically i am afraid. i am afraid of not being good enough, to fall n not being able to get up. not being successful to achieve my 5 year goal and not being able to bring honour to the family and feel worthy again. to just be good enough. What i want is visible to me and yet i allow fear to block my vision. I need God's wisdom n peace so much at this time, and i shamelessly ask for all ur prayers n support too..

he is my rainbow jelly cake.

Helo dear readers!!

"Love is considered the most basic emotion that human awareness can feel; therefore, it is the closest to the source of life."

love does put spice into your life.

I envision so many happy exciting adventures with him.
either now or in the future.
but the best thing that he has ever done with me is to go to church together.
sounds so simple people will ask why?
regardless of which church it is, it means so much to me.
to have him by my side, loving the same God that i love.
Its priceless to know that he not only loves me but also prays for me,
no guy has said those 2 words together and meant it before.

Means much more than going out to have jolly good fun outdoors or to eat the best fine dining food because all of that is merely worldly pleasures that will fade and bore.

But u cant go wrong with faith. God lies directly in the center of our hearts cause he IS Love creator and perfecter.
and i am happier than ever inside :)

Understanding O.C.D

HELO HELO HELO DEAR READERS! :)

i have a little confession to make..

its been a long time since i admitted that i suffer from mild mild OCD (its been with me since childhood)- those who watch Big Bang Theory will know Sheldon Cooper has major OCD like knocking Penny's door 3 times and is so damn afraid of getting dirty n contaminated from anybody anything rite?


Same here, when i'm stressed about certain things like exams or things out of my control my OCD gets worst. i tend to clean things repeatedly n have this irrational fear that something bad is about to happen..i also love to arrange things according to colour and order and get irritated when i see things out of place.

when i'm prevented from cleaning or listing down things or completing my mental task i get VERY VERY upset to the point i can start crying out of no where n suffer from insomnia.

so when i clean or arrange or tick things off my list i feel in control and that gives me power and alot of satisfaction. (sometimes u will see me cleaning in the middle of the night cause i cant sleep with the bugging idea that my floor is dusty or the laundry is unwashed in the bucket)

Many ppl actually have different types of OCD and we are not weird people. its just a mental state. 

Please be understanding to people like us. the major types need therapy tho but milder ones can be self controlled.

What is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)?

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and repetitive, ritualized behaviors you feel compelled to perform. If you have OCD, you probably recognize that your obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are irrational – but even so, you feel unable to resist them and break free.

Like a needle getting stuck on an old record, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) causes the brain to get stuck on a particular thought or urge. For example, you may check the stove twenty times to make sure it’s really turned off, wash your hands until they’re scrubbed raw, or drive around for hours to make sure that the bump you heard while driving wasn’t a person you ran over.

Understanding OCD obsessions and compulsions

Obsessions are involuntary, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again in your mind. You don’t want to have these ideas but you can’t stop them. Unfortunately, these obsessive thoughts are often disturbing and distracting.

Compulsions are behaviors or rituals that you feel driven to act out again and again. Usually, compulsions are performed in an attempt to make obsessions go away. For example, if you’re afraid of contamination, you might develop elaborate cleaning rituals. However, the relief never lasts. In fact, the obsessive thoughts usually come back stronger. And the compulsive behaviors often end up causing anxiety themselves as they become more demanding and time-consuming.

Most people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) fall into one of the following categories:

• Washers are afraid of contamination. They usually have cleaning or hand-washing compulsions.
  

• Checkers repeatedly check things (oven turned off, door locked, etc.) that they associate with harm or danger.

• Doubters and sinners are afraid that if everything isn’t perfect or done just right something terrible will happen or they will be punished.

• Counters and arrangers are obsessed with order and symmetry. They may have superstitions about certain numbers, colors, or arrangements.

• Hoarders fear that something bad will happen if they throw anything away. They compulsively hoard things that they don’t need or use.

OCD signs and symptoms: Obsessive thoughts

Common obsessive thoughts in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) include:

• Fear of being contaminated by germs or dirt or contaminating others.
• Fear of causing harm to yourself or others.
• Intrusive sexually explicit or violent thoughts and images.
• Excessive focus on religious or moral ideas.
• Fear of losing or not having things you might need.
• Order and symmetry: the idea that everything must line up “just right.”
• Superstitions; excessive attention to something considered lucky or unlucky.

OCD signs and symptoms: Compulsive behaviors

Common compulsive behaviors in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) include:

• Excessive double-checking of things, such as locks, appliances, and switches.
• Repeatedly checking in on loved ones to make sure they’re safe.
• Counting, tapping, repeating certain words, or doing other senseless things to reduce anxiety.
• Spending a lot of time washing or cleaning.
• Ordering or arranging things “just so.”
• Praying excessively or engaging in rituals triggered by religious fear.
• Accumulating “junk” such as old newspapers or empty food containers.

Miscellaneous Obsessions

• Need to know or remember (e.g. if hears part of some information, the person needs to hear the rest)
• Fear of saying certain things
• Fear of not saying just the right thing (e.g. need to be perfectly understood)
• Fear of losing things
• Lucky and/or unlucky numbers (i.e. that 4 is good and 13 is bad)
• Colors with special significance (i.e. red is bad because of the devil, etc.)
• Superstitious fears (e.g. can't step on a crack)
• Fear that one already has terrible illness or disease

Unusual Obsessions

• Excessive concern with body part of aspect of appearance (not weight related)
• Bothered by certain sounds or noises
• Intrusive (non-violent) images (i.e. cartoons, faces, clouds)
• Intrusive nonsense sounds, words, or music
• Losing one's personality or positive qualities

In conclusion, i'm a mixture of a hoarder, arranger and doubter. i might have to do things in a certain order n in my own way so dont get angry when u see the ocd manifest.

I think i'm not mad. If u suffer from mild OCD u are not mad either.

Learned a new thing by reading this article? are u OCD too? share ur experience with me! :) 

ok, have a wonderful day sunshines!! *over n out*

Clown boss wedding ;)

Helo dear readers!

my clown boss Samuel finally got married n since my camera died on me that night these are the few precious pictures i have.

we clowns can be handsome/beautiful too! ngek ngek!

don don n creampuff transformed

there are always tell tale signs of clowns

michelle Goh looking so glamorous. very famous well known Mcee 

with our Astro event person Hooi lee

A happy mixture of old friends

we workers were all wearing flower balloons. so cherry!

partial photo of our company cause a few clowns couldnt make it! :)

WE WISH U ALL HAPPINESS Samuel n Miki! NEXT YEAR WE DEMAND DOUBLE ANGPAOS!! hahahhaa

Old letters nostalgia

 currently based in ipoh working for Jusco opening for 12 days straight ..

so here i am sitting in the hotel room hungry n lost, after listening to this song , i feel soooooo homesick. miss the time me and my best fren, my cousin, my penpals and thai kid used to write to each other.

 what happened to our precious pen and papers?

sms and emails and pm from fb can never replace the traditional way of communicating thru letters..

1 piece of handwritten paper poured out from the heart n soul is all that is needed to show one's sincerity n feelings.

oh i long for the touch of paper n euphoria of reading thru words penned by another person who obviously cares enough to write, stick a stamp and take the effort to send it all the way..

for my birthday i wish for a handwritten card/letter and that would mean the world to me.

those intersted in writing please pm me ur address and we'll exchange letters! :)

write a letter to me and i will write back

the man of my dreams

my heart feels like a merry go round.....
to find love again in the most unlikely places of em all.
to discover qualities i tot were extinct in today's generation.
to spark a sense of hope, respect and admiration.

(details to be shared later)
Only time will tell.
for now its not the right time eventhough i wish it was.

sometimes i dream about my garden wedding (this one is no april fool joke) and i can taste the happiness , hear the cheers and laughter but one thing is i can never see his face. the guy i'm marrying. its weird. its always a blur. its mysterious. and probably if i be good God will reveal the face to me.
every girl deserves a happy ending. u and me :)

Pictography- reasons to love life!

Helo dear readers!!

lovely pictography to support the wonderful reasons to be alive!

always been on the top of my reasons to be alive! eat to live, live to eat!

i remember so clearly 10 years ago

dedicated to my best fren Mary Anne

love my dance classes at the gym!

exactly my job description!

yes explains the shopping habbit

another BEST reason to stay alive is to explore the world! oh how i wish!

There are so many more wonderful reasons to be alive. to love life itself.
Whats ur reason? share it with me in the comment box below! :)
have a blessed day sunshines!