Teaching update week 6- My kids got gf/bf!

HI DEAR READERS!

the reason i can even survive each sch day and be sane  is because of all the people who constantly love me and support and pray for me :)

Q: Good morning and how do you do?

A: Good morning. I am fine thank you.

(the simple sentences above took me hours to drill into my kids brains to remember. it came out in the test n they didnt know what to write! 13 year olds can u imagine..sigh!)

see the 2 small kids next to me? they are both in form 1 and i'm their English teacher. this was taken during Canteen Day where we put up stalls to sell stuff for our respective clubs. Mine was Kelab Pencegah Jenayah and i'm president teacher in charge. In a million years i never tot i would ever join this club what more LEAD it! hahahahaa..

Anyways back to the story of the kids above. can u believe it that 80% of my class boys are so small they come up to my shoulder height only n they look like 9 year olds with uncombed hair and unironed shirts to sch and yet MOST OF THEM HAVE GIRLFRENS!! omg OMG!! what in the world is happening these days!

conversation went like this:-

Sandra: *jokingly poking the shorter kid- So u ada awek chun tak?

Shorter boy: Takde la cikgu. ehehehe

Taller boy: Jangan tipu cikgu la..mengaku saja lah! ada cakap ade..ape la u ni..

Shorter boy: hehee ya saya ada gf la cikgu

Sandra: *so freaking suprised - so dia tu kelas apa? form 1 jugak?!!

Shorter boy: Ya cikgu ..dalam kelas kita lah. dia duduk belakang. cikgu tak nampak dia ke?

Sandra: Semua orang dalam kelas ada pakwe makwe (boyfren/ girlfren) skg ke??

Taller boy: Ya cikgu. yang bodoh pun ada couple. cikgu Sandra jangan cakap dengan cikgu lain okok?

Sandra: So bila dating pergi buat apa? pergi sekumpulan atau seorang saja? dosa tau!

Shorter boy: cikgu relax la..kita pergi karaoke, tengok wayang, berbasikal, main depan rumah, makan kat kantin, pergi tepi pantai. dengan kawan kawan lain tak seorang la cikgu!

Sandra: nasib baik u pandai kan. u ni semua kecik kecik dah main cinta. sikat rambut pun tidak. *laughing in my heart

Shorter boy: Cikgu saya handsem semua perempuan pun nakkan saya. tak boleh nafikan (cannot be denied). Cikgu pun setuju kan? ;P

Sandra : HAHAHAHAAHAHA! pandai u cakap kan..bila kelas english kita speaking banyak banyak ok?!

on a more serious note, after several classes with my kids. both form 1 and form 2 kids of mine are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO poor in language many of they cant spell, fill in the blanks what more string simple sentences together. what would this mean to their future? omg. i lose sleep thinking of ways to teach them, thinking of easier n more effective lesson plans, how to make them sit n listen n behave, what am i doing wrong? what can i do better? why cant i get through them? why do i even care? why am i still here?

 i think about them so much when i'm driving to work, eating breakfast, lunch and sometimes afterwork! wth is happening. its becoming nightmarish. its stressing me out! i cannot erase it from my system!
 i use to tease my bf saying he was married to his work seems like that disease has caught unto me. i'm bringing work baggage home daily. in my head! and its TORTURE!

Screaming, fighting, shouting, doing paperwork, preparing for lessons and going into class knowing NOBODY is listening is VERY DEMOTIVATING. i try the hard way, the nice way, the neutral dont care way. I use colours, teaching aids, laptop and movie and songs, i bring funny things into class, i tell animated explanations and examples, i draw cartoons. ALL WAYS DONT WORK. they are just disinterested in English. its a mental block put there by the people around them, the environment. its so frustrating!

There is heavy politics within the teachers and so much negativity coming from them. they fight n bitch among themselves so much. they have groups n i'm usually an outcast but its nice to sit on the fence but sometimes it gets lonely no fren in sch... i go to sch singing happily n come home feeling i got sucked dry of energy.

there is so much pressure from my seniors

so much pressure i put unto myself

i  confess i feel soooo burdened, i'm constantly falling sick n i feel i'm fighting a loosing battle. why is teaching so hard? Its not like just teaching in class (which is GIANT KILLER TASK already), there is so much extra curriculum activities, sports, entertaining, rubbish paperwork, learning to not step into work politics n get burned, and extra duties to carry !!!

Parents who have 3 kids complain like mad they dont know how to control their teenagers and how to talk to them. well imagine me- I HAVE 200 KIDS and all of them are ROARING WITH HORMONES ready to march around the sch, pour kerosene and burn it down if it was legal. HOW AM I SINGLEHANDEDLY going to face all this?!

Lord, i've come to a realization.

i cannot keep asking for things to get better,

i need to pray for MORE STRENGTH, MORE WISDOM, MORE COURAGE and PATIENCE so i can stand up to it and OVERCOME it instead of looking at it negatively and feeling sooooooo freaking depressed day in day out.

I must try. i must fight . and i will try so hard before i make a final decision. i wont give up on them yet. i wont give up on me. Amen.

Teaching update week 5: Gooooodmoooorninggg Teacherrr

ALOHA DEAR READERS!!

Oh school.

i hated it in teenage high school

i hate it right now

its not so much the teaching

its more of the extra paperwork n responsiblities they force down ur throat like being teacher of Kelab pencegah jenayah,conducting meetings, taking them out for camps n ceramahs, being ajk kelab staff guru which runs the sch n all programs, being in Pengakap which i have no idea what it does, kelab english and going for endless meetings endless paperwork to sign n fill

oh did i mention?

form 1 kids now no more exams no more PMR or SPM.

they are assessment based like the ones u see in American schs.

they got show and tell, teacher evaluate them thru behaviour, overall speaking n cooperation and exercises throughout the year.

PLEASE LAH NO EXAM U THINK U WOULD HAVE STUDIED?!

this system is FLAWED and it will create MORE IDIOTS in the country (not like there isnt abundant supply of them already)

So it comes back to the question:

THEM OR ME?

deep down in my heart i do love my kids. its SOOO hard to love the little monsters but they are sooooooo lacking, so lost and no normal teacher seems to care to improve the level of english in this paddy field sch. I feel obligated to help them, to just make a wee bit difference!

who cares u cant score in exam test or public examinations. i want them to be able to grow up n speak BASIC conversational english that could be useful in life. To be able to say in times of asking for help " excuse me, can i......and followed by a thank u" or being smart enough to order food at a restaurant like McD or shopping malls or giving basic instructions like "turn left and walk straight" or go to the bank and say "i would like to open an account under my father's name and here is the money" or to be able to count and understand maths in english so that one day no conman will come n steal all their money away.

 ENGLISH IS IMPORTANT and ENGLISH WILL BRING U SOMEPLACE SOMEDAY. 

that is the msg i want to get across. since they are still young there is hope. but am i the person to give them such hope?

in my naive-ness i said these words in my 1st class " Jangan risau english itu susah, teacher janji by the end of the year u all will be able to speak English sikit sikit". They nodded their heads in unison and i woke up n asked myself wth did i just say and what if i couldnt keep to my promise? oh god..why do i allow them to creep into my soul n find a soft spot?

On the other hand i've been having ulcers n fever continuously for 3 weeks n seen multiple doctors eaten multiple antibiotics. i 'm insomiac and panicky all the time. i've lost my appetite, my passion to live and i want to die all the time. this morning my nose bleed the moment i woke up. terkejut die me. So negative point would be the stress is eating me up n my health is failing fast :(

Astro Xiao tai yang show - strawberry jie jie and watermelon gege

my fav stall in gurney drive ! the fried chicken skin is DA BOMB!

abel with his nonsensical facial expression !

on the other hand i think about my own wonderful life in penang..

there is my awesome job, there is HIM and there is so much freedom so much happiness just waiting for me.

the job i'm so passionate about. the guy i love and all the wonderful food i can eat and all the exciting events i wanna be in!

all i need to do is to give up one and return to the island.

but that soft spot in my soul cannot release the guilt.

my oh my..i've been praying for the wisest decision but why cant i get an answer?

Maybe dear reader u could help me pray along?

my mind thinks about choice A or choice B all the time..to stay is to kill myself for the sake of others and to leave is to save myself n kill my students future.

decisions decisons..oh bother!

break the wings of the butterfly

I miss the days when i use to be so carefree happy. when my eyes sparkled with life n i woke up so positive  and ready to conquer the world!

I have to say, after yesterday's blogpost about my rants at the paddy field i never expected such overwhelming response n replies from people all over. thank u! :) Most of them were encouraging n supportive but u know lah, got good also got bad wan. 

I even received hate mail from a bunch of people (no need to mention who) saying that my previous blogpost was uncalled for. that i was a moron for shaming my parents in public n making myself look so pathetic. that i was not worth respecting and that i'm an ass and i'm not grateful to anything my family has ever given me. it also mentioned that i had lousy character n temperamental blah blah *pause n reread hate mail* 

In my defense i'm here to address all people who feel the same way (that i'm an ass useless daughter who blogs too much personal stuff online n risk getting mocked by readers).

1. This is MY BLOG. i will freaking write, complain, rejoice, post photos and videos of whatever and whoever i please as long as its the truth! If u dislike reading what i have to write then just dont click into my website so simple nia. If u hate eating vegetables will u walk into a vegetarian shop and order?! no rite? so please do the same n save urself from reading my blog if ur on the anti-sandra team. 

2. Secondly, after much thought i am very sorry to my parents for saying hurtful things n using bad words (which is frowned upon in the house). I'm sorry for making mom cry n dad flying furious with my unaccepted behaviour. I am sorry for not being the perfectionist daughter and living up to standarts but I WILL NOT be sorry for what i feel before i came here and the current situation. all that sadness, frustration and anger is REAL! 100% real n hurtful.

3. I realised how ironic it is. When i received the posting and rejected teruk teruk to NOT GO i had a hard time cause they said i was silly to reject the golden bowl and alot of objections kept pouring in until i drowned in guilt n tot of giving it a try. When i'm ALREADY here i still get objections teruk teruk. so what difference does it make whether i rejected or took up the posting?! both ways also i'm the bad guy. its like walking left to be eaten by a tiger and walking right to be eaten by a crocodile. BOTH WAYS ALSO its a dead end of death.

4. If u dont already know, i'm an english major. and to think that i have lashed out ALL profanities and crudeness in my previous hate blogpost u are soooooooo wrong!!!

 i have enough arsenal of vocab to curse n contaminate the entire pacific ocean to DIE, revive the Kraken n swallow all of u whole and i only used the mildest words to describe the horrible torture i have to endure. U think i'm inconsiderate? ur lucky i have not open 1 post just to blast u back for making me so angry this morning. oh boy i have sugarcoated everything soo much because i dont want to hurt the people around me.

5. I freaking broke down and cried in class today (right in front of the kids) after reading the hate msg n rethinking about my stupid stupid decisions in life. I wanted to jump off the 4th floor this morning. u think i'm joking but i'm not. The funniest thing is NONE of my 40 students saw me cry or blow my nose for 30 minutes as they were busy talking, fighting with each other ignoring the weird Chinese teacher in front. i'm so lucky i got away from explaining cause they couldn't be bothered.

6. I feel like a chunck of me is left in penang, i feel empty inside. i go to work looking at my watch counting down the hours to go home nia.

i hate being judged, i hate being locked up in a place where none of my opinions or ideas will ever take action. Its like capturing a butterfly n breaking off its wings n putting it in a jar to suffocate n die. That is how i feel right now. but do u care? no...do u understand ? no... all u know is that i'm a pampered selfish bitch who wants the comfortable life n doing things my way.

If i wanted the good life i would have taken it a long time ago. which blimmering idiot girl rejects a proposal and instead stubbornly works her ass of renting a small room in a place far from her comfortable house, falling sick regularly, taking care of everything big n small alone, worrying about insufficient money everymonth and worrying about pleasing my parents in everyway. Which idiot would do that for passion?! *raise hand* ME!! i'm that idiot. and u have no right to call me pampered or selfish because my decision to leave my passion, my love n my life in penang is the greatest sacrifice i can ever give anybody. and i chose to give it to my parents. not my boyfren or not to chase a high paying carrier. I am grateful to every cent mom n dad paid thru my studying years and all the moral support they rendered in my rock bottom times. I AM grateful thats why i went againts all odds n ppl advicing me to be selfish n ignore my parents- i said no i will try to make them happy. REMEMBER that fact the next time u want to point fingers at me moron.

I used to be so fun. I use to sparkle and get amazed at small things. i would laugh like a girl n loved people wholeheartedly without biasness. now i cant see light in my eyes. i see hollowness n emptiness resounding in the place where my soul used to be on fire.

After today's fiasco of crying in class i kicked myself n i'm not gonna complain no more. i'm just gonna swallow my pride n soilder on . Mom advice "if u have nothing good to say dont say it at all". Okay, i try to apply this line into my life. I WILL NOT speak evil of my short pathetic teaching life no more for all it brings is conflict n hate n negative feelings. no more!! eww.. begone!! i will survive this shit and pull myself together.

The last thread of happiness i have is my blog. and to stop asking me to blog about my feelings is robbing me of the last thing that keeps me sane.

The report of my new life as a paddy farmer.

hi dear readers

by now many would have known or guess that my short break from Penang to Melacca was to go for the teaching posting.

yea yea some will say that i was so damn against it so why suddenly change mind n go?!! siao ki liao?!

answer is simple just to please my parents. i do love them very much n especially after so much conflict n unresolved anger i gave in n went for "probation" teaching period. meaning i can leave whenever i please.

 i exchanged sacrificed my good life in penang, the people i love, the food and my awesome job n freedom to come to this goddamn paddy field to rot n die.

dont worry i plan to leave asap when my first paycheck comes in (unless i fall in love with teaching which is unlikely as a cow would wear a green polka dot dress.)

the scenery i see everyday to and fro work. paddy n more paddy.

wore this first day of work

wore this second day of work.

TOP THINGS I HATE ABOUT THIS PLACE :

1.The people here both teachers n students are fucking racists. they act like chinese people eat pork n have this infectious disease that can spread thru looking at them in the eyes. NOBODY wants to be my fren or lend me reference books to read. not even the students wanna have conversation with me and give me the weird look. wth man. this is malaysia and the sch is 99.9% malay students 0.01% indians and ZERO chinese.

2.Mentality of 90% teachers n students n makcik canteen all came from caveman period where wearing office wear with skirt over knee length is frowned upon n all of them STARING and COMMENTING at me like i walk around naked n dancing. (just because the rest cover up like penguins doesnt mean i need to change my name to siti sandra n follow). My head panitia doesnt give a hoot about me and has this pelik character of her own. (no wonder her name is still MISS in the front)

3. this is my pathetic looking table crawling with swarms of ants. u cant see them as my camera lousy cannot macro in on them. they crawl over my books, bags, my hands, my baju n when i lie down to nap they crawl over my face. damn it so irritating! the other teachers are immune to bugs so they never complain they consider these army of ants invisible n continue eating n laughing like normal.

4. I was assigned to sit right below this faulty air con unit n water drips on my left arm every 30 minutes o so. imagine sitting underneath this crappy shit n getting watered automatically like some lab plant. this seat is also VERY HOT n stuffy as i'm in the most corner exiled part of the staffroom cramped with 100 teachers. hot + air con dripping n ants is a horrible working condition.

5. There are monkeys living in the trees of the teachers open carpark. apparently they scratch ur car n steal ur mirrors cause they like shinny stuff. the amount of bug level is high not surprisingly cause left n right is forest n the SIZE OF LIZARD is like godzilla!! not to mention numerous chickens n ducks all over sch. they walk around freely making u feel like ur driving into a pasar cum zoo more than a sch.

6. I have no idea why the admin department can be so freaking lazy its already the 2nd week n nobody is working on the timetable so i have no classes at all. so i sit at my sit mostly online with my hp or staring at the ants crossing my table. try doing that daily for 8 hours see u go insane o not!! dah lah nobody wanna talk to me or be my fren i have nothing to do n feel like a complete waste of my life! I HATE IT SO MUCH i almost cried in frustration today morning.

7. The discipline level is low. stupidity level is high. the boys especially are uncontrollable wild just like the monkeys in the carpark. they wolf whistle n call me amoi when i walk pass. i just give them the DEATH STARE. today i asked a form 3 kid what time is it and the guy said "teacher i tak paham apa u cakap". this is the part i feel like slapping myself with my shoes. many are illiterate and NO interest whatsoever to study. main aim come to sch is to "cuci mata" look at girls / guys n most of them get married after spm. wtf man?

There is so so soooooooooooo much more i hate about this teaching life.
 the sch n system is all fcuked up and i'm changing into a passive depressed person i never was before. its so scary its only been 3 days but it feels like robbing 3 years of my youth n potential.

sadness n frustration weigh heavily on my shoulders during sch time. i never felt so blue n useless n meaningless in my entire life, worst than uni final exam depression time. u may say i'm exaggerating but when ur caught in a job that sucks ur energy low, full of negativism n no space for talent to grow u would be suicidal like me.

the only way i revenge against all this crap is by eating junkfood, reading comics and conveniently taking naps on my table whenever i want (principal is a potato who doesnt  know his staff names so he doesnt give a hoot abt me) thus making the other teachers BOIL with jealousy n anger cause they have millions of crapwork to do..wakakaka..

the only time i'm happy n blessed is AFTER WORK!!

i have my awesome cousie Su May and aunt who feeds me, talks to me, so generous with love n care i feel like a normal human being again. their house is so awesomeballs!. they have a piano i can play, a fridge stuffed with food, hot water n nice bathroom, flat screen tv with astro! (forgot how long i never just laze n watch tv after uni started)

 the best blessing was they gave me a ROOM OF MY OWN!!

 it comes with huge working table, 3 fans, 1 aircon, 1 personal tv, own dresser +cupboard and new bed set!! i feel like a princess in the room. OMG!! kindness maximus :) love em for their generosity n warmth. after 5 years in uni, living in a proper house makes me feel so human again and i forget whatever sadness i endured at work. :)

ok la. all i need now is my roti pisang + teh tarik, a race with my pink scooter, a warm hug and clowning n exciting events... sigh..bertahan for the following month first then see how. counting down 28 more days to go. God bless all new teachers. from their stories i know they so need it too! haha..

blowing bubbles to heaven

Hi dear readers

I am worried of what is about to come.
it feels so out of my control. i cannot imagine how it will be in Malacca and how will things in Penang be while i'm gone. so much uncertainty u know.

but i'm reminded that my God is bigger than all my problems.
He who created this wide wide universe would certainly take care of my itsy bitsy problem and my life for he has never disappointed me then n will never let me down in the future.

When i read this poster above 2 weeks ago it made no sense cause i'm not planning to get married anytime soon but yesterday the most amazing thing happened.

out of the blue, we were casually talking when He held my hands n said 2 magical words i couldn't believe (cause i never expected it).

"Lets pray"

He knelt down on the cold hard floor and prayed for me. 

for all the things i was previously worried about. also the things i never said out loud or requested but he said em all out in prayer.

and deep in my heart i knew despite the odds and little time we have together...that he is the right one. until now i cannot believe how blessed i am.

simply because 12 years ago as a teenager i asked God daily for a guy who not only accepted & loved me but would someday pray with me, for me and support me spiritually and i could do the same viva versa.

i never expected God to remember my prayer from the past. It is well with my soul and all things are beautiful in God's timing. the feeling of getting material presents n physical hugs is nice but the feeling of having him to pray for me is simply  priceless

A simple life and simple love has made me so complete :)

Ballet classes

I faintly recall many years ago how i loved the touch of ballet shoes on my tiny feet, putting on pink tights that looked like cotton swimming suit and the excitement of running up the stairs to go for beginner classes back in Seremban town. oh how ballet made my little heart pump with happiness.

Ballet is such a graceful dance, the dance of the swans... I liked the sense of discipline and no nonsense from my tight bunned teacher (whos name i cannot recall at this point). I remember mummy buying me kfc/marybrown after ballet classes that finished at 8pm then we go home and have family time. being the only child for 7 years came with alot of love n affection. :)

After 1.5 years mom said we were financially tight n with my little brother on the way i had to give up ballet classes. I was very sad when i heard the news. It felt like a part of me taken away.

if i ever have a daughter in the future i would let her wear those dainty pair of ballet shoes and give her the childhood she deserves. Assuming she were to like ballet classes then she would be given the chance to fill in the shoes i couldn't wear for as long as she wanted. ah, wishful thinking :)

sand in my eyes

hi dear readers

the past week has been quite an emotional turmoil ever since the teaching posting came out.

many are eager to hear WHY oh WHY is sandra giving the posting up?

has she lost it and gone bonkers? what about financial security? how is she going to survive now? oh why so stupid.

these are actual questions being bombarded into my ears n my parents too have to suffer the torment of busybodies asking n probing n waiting to compare n laugh at what they think is my downfall.

Seriously i am troubled too.

i am so flustered its giving me bad insomia n ED once again.

 rethinking abt the choice that i've taken, the plans i have made. will they be enough? what if i do fail? what if one day i wake up n regret not going to melacca and slaving my life off for financial security.

I feel so small and stupid at the moment.

i know for sure i dont want to go down teaching line n conform to the regular rat race. I have seen the downside of teaching as i live with teachers.

I dont want to be a slave to the government, get disillusioned after many years , lose my passion, waste precious time in sch overworking n neglecting my kids at home, always having JUST enough money never more, being conformed to stupid rules n regulations that kill all creativity n ideas n potential to grow. for the next 30 years i'm stuck doing a repeated job like a robot. 

Oh times have changed, teachers are no longer appreciated in by majority of students and discipline problems have soared to dangerous levels beyond ur imagination. u think i'm kidding, ask ur teacher today.

Sadly all the money/health benefits in the world cannot buy back the time ROBBED from my childhood as i watched them give their attention n time to working..even with teachers at home, i had to go tuition to learn, i had to be left at the babysitter, i hardly had my parents send/pick me up from school and many times when i just wanted to talk n bond over issues during my teenage years NOBODY HAD THE TIME damn it.

 and with so much facts yet WHY AM I DOUBTING MYSELF AT THIS POINT?!

Eversince i realised how the word "love" operated in my family i have always strived to be good in whatever i was doing. by nature i'm easy going n happy go lucky so i hated competing with others n working hard and yet if i was not "good" enough i wont be loved by my dad or seen as worthy and accepted by my extended family (which labelled u successful only if u excel in either getting damn good results or earning damn good money) . this irrational fear has been fossiled in my head until this very day.

and at this moment when i type this post my coursemates are at their respective states taking the posting letter n gleefully going to their respective schools. yes i do feel left behind and it hurts me alot. but hey i tell myself i have chosen my OWN path. why look back in regret?

To cut myself off the education line is like treachery to my community.

everybody is now AGAINSTs me. the pressure is so immense nobody can understand. 

they dont understand many things. all the negativism i get makes me feel like a little child trapped in an adults body. incapable of pushing away emotions n thinking rationally like a full grown person.

please lah, i wont be clowning my entire life. i have bigger plans ahead, to do sales/ push the insurance job forward n eventually run a business that i always dreamed of. then when i am better off financially oh how i would love to just do all the charity/social work i want to do in the days when i was penniless. 

to contribute money n time to my 1st and utmost passion which is to feed the homeless, teach n supplying books for the illiterate children, volunteering at SPCA n supporting the missions doing God's work and serving by teaching sunday school in church. Currently I don't have weekends off  due to my clowning timetable hence all my dreams to do charity have to be put on hold.

 Oh how nice when it comes a day when i can work to support myself, my family n bless all the people who need it..:) the idea of it is like a sparkle that lifts the whole gloom in my head.

the years to come are going to be SOOOOOOOOOO hard since i handed off my "golden security bowl" and broke my parents heart all in one same week :(

 I will not take the easy road out by running home n save tons of money or neither will i take a shortcut by doing some unspeakable things. I have made a choice n i have to grow up n stand by it.

and basically i am afraid. i am afraid of not being good enough, to fall n not being able to get up. not being successful to achieve my 5 year goal and not being able to bring honour to the family and feel worthy again. to just be good enough. What i want is visible to me and yet i allow fear to block my vision. I need God's wisdom n peace so much at this time, and i shamelessly ask for all ur prayers n support too..

he is my rainbow jelly cake.

Helo dear readers!!

"Love is considered the most basic emotion that human awareness can feel; therefore, it is the closest to the source of life."

love does put spice into your life.

I envision so many happy exciting adventures with him.
either now or in the future.
but the best thing that he has ever done with me is to go to church together.
sounds so simple people will ask why?
regardless of which church it is, it means so much to me.
to have him by my side, loving the same God that i love.
Its priceless to know that he not only loves me but also prays for me,
no guy has said those 2 words together and meant it before.

Means much more than going out to have jolly good fun outdoors or to eat the best fine dining food because all of that is merely worldly pleasures that will fade and bore.

But u cant go wrong with faith. God lies directly in the center of our hearts cause he IS Love creator and perfecter.
and i am happier than ever inside :)

She is my superhero, my mom

Mommy,

if ur reading this

i want to say that you mean the world to me.

i know how lucky i am to be your daughter.

i cringe at the thought of what if i was born into another family..and what if by a cruel twist of fate i would never have met you.

you are my inspiration n the person i aspire to be as i grow older.

mommy i am so sorry

for all the terrible i have done against God and you and family u still took me back into your arms n forgave me and let me start anew with a clean slate.

i'm sorry for all the heartache n tears. no mother should ever endure such pain caused by her children.

your recent call and act of kindness made me cry because i never expected you to find out my problems and never expected you to act one step ahead of me. I am already an adult who is suppose to be taking care of you but instead u still need to babyspoon feed me..

to support me in my rock bottom time was like refreshing rain pouring over the desert in times of drought.

I will never forget your utmost patience, generosity, words of wisdom and gentle voice that calms me down in times of calamity..whether i call in panic night or day even thru ur classroom teaching period  u would always  make time for me, 
whenever i wanted something you would buy it or get the task done for me..
i miss living by myself away from you.

It is true what the bible says about a woman after God's heart

She is a friend, a mother, a sister and wife. loving, loyal, steadfast to the end.

She is one who shines all of God's goodness thru her life.

I just ask to be at least half as kind n strong n wise as you are.

i love you. and those words are not enough to express my deepest gratitude n kindred towards you mom.

May God bless you with all things bright n wonderful because i will never be able to repay all of your love  in this short lifetime...

thank you for never giving up on me. for defending me countless times. for all those silent prayers you said on my behalf.

for seeing me thru to this day...

yours,

Ting :)

Give your heart a break- Demi lovato

Good morning dear readers.

this is the song for today. exactly whats been running thru my mind n heart. the beat is catchy too!


Song Lyrics: Give Your Heart a Break - Demi Lovato 

The day I first met you
You told me you'd never fall in love
But now that I get you
I know fear is what it really was

Now here we are, so close, yet so far
How did I pass the test.
When will you realize
Baby I'm not like the rest

Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you're scared it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake
There's just one night to live
And there's no time to wait (to wait)
So let me give your heart a break, your heart a break
Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break
Oh yeah, yeah

On Sunday, you went home alone,
There were tears in your eyes,
I called your cell phone, my love,
But you did not reply
The world is ours if we want it,
We can take it,if you just take my hand,
There's no turning back now
Baby try to understand

Don't wanna break your heart
Wanna give your heart a break
I know you're scared it's wrong
Like you might make a mistake
There's just one night to live
And there's no time to wait (to wait)
So let me give your heart a break, your heart a break,
Let me give your heart a break , your heart a break
There's just so much you can take, give your heart a break
Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break
Oh yeah, yeah

When your lips are on my lips
Then our hearts beat as one,
But you slip out of my finger tips
Every time you run
Woah oh oh

Don't wanna break your heart,
Wanna give your heart a break,
I know you're scared it's wrong, Like you might make a mistake
There's just one night to live,
And there's no time to wait (to wait)
So let me give your heart a break

Cause you've been hurt before
I can see it in your eyes,
You try to smile it away,
Some things you cant disguise,
Don't wanna break your heart,
Baby I can ease the ache (the ache)
So let me give your heart a break, your heart a break,
Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break,
There's just so much you can take,
Give your heart a break,
Let me give your heart a break, your heart a break
Oh yeah, yeah

The day I first met you
You told me you never fall in love