a missing puzzle

Hi dear readers.

clown creampuff with her super cute jap kids in penang

there is not one day that passes that i dont think about my carefree penang life, frens, food and clowning job. i swear i mean this with all my heart.

There are times i sit n stare into space thinking when will i ever get to relive the passion. it hurts so much sometimes my heart literally aches and i blink away tears to not look weak.

the kids in sch and teaching are not the main problem its the distance with the things i love up north.

i miss this monkey alot n ldr can take its toll on us :(

to stay for them students or just run after my own happiness?

then i ask myself, when the time comes to choose. 

What will make it be worth it? 

Am i mad to give up on opportunities and youth for these kids?

will my life make a  difference in their lives?

what about the people who need me in penang?

 will it be worth to sacrifice my happiness to enrich the lives of others? 

what would make me a better person? 

so many questions. so little sleep. hence i'm soo sick these days with headaches, fever, ulcers, gastric and etc. i dare not complain too much as not to worry my dear aunty n family. they have been too nice to me. feeding n housing me n paying for so many things. feeling indebted is also 1 reason i feel like going back pg n not trouble anybody in life...all i want is to fall into deep sleep n have visions of a clear answer in this dilemma...