teaching is like a fishbone in my throat

DEAR BLOG READERS...

where is my own happiness?

Sch has been hard on everyone. my fellow teacher frens n myself. reading their posts n laments sometimes makes me wonder why did teaching become so hard n complicated? (we all have faced the insomia, the frustration, repeatedly falling sick, the unspoken bullying n quiet tears, the pressure to perform and the truckloads of shitwork like decorating, preparing for majlis n ucapan n going for kursus, ceramah and filling in millions of non teaching paperwork)

to add to suffering i had to care lah. to do work n prepare properly n stress myself silly in the process. (just fin 3 hours exam papers n my SchBaseAssesment files are still not finnished n not keyed in online, i'm working at full speed.

 its like never ending sch work even eating into my weekends. i feel physically SICK thinking abt it. nausea from the pit of my stomach!!

every weekend i lie on my bed curl up like a prawn, put the pillow on my head and cry.

its haunting why this is happening so often every weekend. the stress, mental tiredness, loneliness and emptiness of my soul cannot be described in words so they just flow freely thru my eyes.

i hate crying. i want this to stop.

The days are SO hard to pass. i swear i have never been so depressed.

i beg for an answer why is there no answer?

there is so much unhappiness n restrictions in sch and the same cycle happens at home.

there is much i am unhappy abt BUT since there r too many gossipmongers who are more than too happy to batu api n report my name i will not share any of my domestic problems here.

i am reminded WHY I APPLIED TO GO USM. the uni so freaking far from my home. i remember the very reason i wanted to run and now its the same reason i want to return to penang.

nothing i do is good enough. nothing.nothing.nothing.

freedom of body, mind n speech is lost.lost.lost.

i wish he was here.

i wish i was there.

i wish to remember how passion n freedom felt.

i wish there was an answer.

i wish they would care more, be more understanding.

i wish for all this negativism to go away.

blogging has always given me a sense of calm n control after being so emotional. thank u for reading n being so understanding dear reader :)

week 7- monster kids deserve more

Yes the teaching profession will either MAKE u or BREAK u. nothing much inbetween.

there is so much to it. there is so much pain , tears, sickness, stress and sadness. but there is also hope, laughter, touching moments and gratitude.
i have cried, sighed, fallen ill and laughed and cried all over again. nobody can really understand what teachers go thru unless u have taught a bunch of monsters urself.

let me share an except from my fb lament yesterday & today morning:

YESTERDAY: 

My bloodpressure shot right thru the roof! 

While teaching my monsters were group fighting with next class, 1kid rocked fell down n broke a chair, the malay dude spit all over the indian girl's table n face, another boy was crying cause his fren poked him with a jangka lukis, another kid kept going out to look at chickens and another one singing karaoke n pulling the girl's tudung another fella stealing frens stationary n shouting. Rest of them either destroying furniture, sleeping or fighting. 

ArgHH!!!!!#@*%%+**

TODAY:

Hebat news of the day : masuk puasatime monsters become worst
1. Form4 girl hits n rips off form2 girl tudung throw into drain n pulls her ear.
2. Form 2 girl runs away from house cause parents lock her in for sleeping around.
3. Form 5boys like grand thef auto operation steal people's car tyres at night n sells em. All 4 of them.
4. Bunch of boys follow hated teacher home n destroys gate.
5. Go around stealing ppl cows n goats middle of the night to sell during raya time.
It's amazing how teachers here r still alive.

this does not include the many times they tried to steal stuff like stationary from my bag while i turned away or rudely call me as Sandra eh sandra amoi mari sini! nor does it erase of all the horror stories i've heard from senior teachers about the crime rate, violence level and disappointment mostly.

But as i was talking to abel i realised something. i couldnt stand n run now. i've given them a spark of hope. everyone has been disappointing them so all in return they only know how to return disappointment. In teaching i have been thinking more like an adult, making wiser decisions, being more serious in conversation and thought. it has sparked my intellectual part of myself i never knew i once had. i like the feeling of being in control of my mind n thoughts for the first time in my life not everything is a mush or a blur.

I HAVE NEVER WORKED SO HARD in my 25 YEARS OF LIVING.
i sometimes think whether i'm enjoying it or going plain mad due to abnormal stress.

UNENDING paperwork that i hate to do in sch

paperwork has to be brought home on weekends to continue due to sloppy previous teacher's work i redo everything!

precious sight i will treasure most. Grandma helped me cut out worksheets for pbs. very touched. i love u!

Today i saw a senior teacher with 20 years under her belt CRY in the toilet cause of too much work pressure n rudeness of students. i'm looking into the toilet mirror n asking myself what if 20 years down the line i crack n break under pressure??

A little voice inside me said : i may be weak but in my weakness my God is strong. hence i will BE strong. i will fight all this. all the emo and physical pain n heartache. i go to sch so early and leave LAST in the staff room. i labour on eventho feeling v hungry n tired because i cannot see sloppy work or be unprepared for lessons or leave paperwork to the last minute.

i created this to remind myself WHY i fight so hard its because once upon a time somebody gave me a second chance in my life.

 i will fight for what i think is right at the moment. body mind n soul i will push.

 please dont let me regret...

clothes peg. just hanging on.

i'm hanging on like a clothes peg.

the winds of change and winds of sorrow blow and blow mercilessly.

they make me cry at night.

they make me cry at day.

they turn me into the girl i cannot recognize today.

she who is upset all the time there is a dark sickness eating her inside out.

sometimes its so tiring to fight the wind, the sun and the occasional rain.

all i want to do is to just let it go.

to go back to the life i once knew, the life where i had sunshine laughter as a social butterfly and was free to soar as high as thy heart wanted.

but sadly all she is now is a clothes peg.

once so strong her strength is now failing her.

tears are the proof of the rapture of her soul.

waiting for her owner to peg the right clothing on her so that she will know which cloth is WORTH holding on.

her soul is drying up n dying.

please hurry. please.

Teaching update week 6- My kids got gf/bf!

HI DEAR READERS!

the reason i can even survive each sch day and be sane  is because of all the people who constantly love me and support and pray for me :)

Q: Good morning and how do you do?

A: Good morning. I am fine thank you.

(the simple sentences above took me hours to drill into my kids brains to remember. it came out in the test n they didnt know what to write! 13 year olds can u imagine..sigh!)

see the 2 small kids next to me? they are both in form 1 and i'm their English teacher. this was taken during Canteen Day where we put up stalls to sell stuff for our respective clubs. Mine was Kelab Pencegah Jenayah and i'm president teacher in charge. In a million years i never tot i would ever join this club what more LEAD it! hahahahaa..

Anyways back to the story of the kids above. can u believe it that 80% of my class boys are so small they come up to my shoulder height only n they look like 9 year olds with uncombed hair and unironed shirts to sch and yet MOST OF THEM HAVE GIRLFRENS!! omg OMG!! what in the world is happening these days!

conversation went like this:-

Sandra: *jokingly poking the shorter kid- So u ada awek chun tak?

Shorter boy: Takde la cikgu. ehehehe

Taller boy: Jangan tipu cikgu la..mengaku saja lah! ada cakap ade..ape la u ni..

Shorter boy: hehee ya saya ada gf la cikgu

Sandra: *so freaking suprised - so dia tu kelas apa? form 1 jugak?!!

Shorter boy: Ya cikgu ..dalam kelas kita lah. dia duduk belakang. cikgu tak nampak dia ke?

Sandra: Semua orang dalam kelas ada pakwe makwe (boyfren/ girlfren) skg ke??

Taller boy: Ya cikgu. yang bodoh pun ada couple. cikgu Sandra jangan cakap dengan cikgu lain okok?

Sandra: So bila dating pergi buat apa? pergi sekumpulan atau seorang saja? dosa tau!

Shorter boy: cikgu relax la..kita pergi karaoke, tengok wayang, berbasikal, main depan rumah, makan kat kantin, pergi tepi pantai. dengan kawan kawan lain tak seorang la cikgu!

Sandra: nasib baik u pandai kan. u ni semua kecik kecik dah main cinta. sikat rambut pun tidak. *laughing in my heart

Shorter boy: Cikgu saya handsem semua perempuan pun nakkan saya. tak boleh nafikan (cannot be denied). Cikgu pun setuju kan? ;P

Sandra : HAHAHAHAAHAHA! pandai u cakap kan..bila kelas english kita speaking banyak banyak ok?!

on a more serious note, after several classes with my kids. both form 1 and form 2 kids of mine are SOOOOOOOOOOOOO poor in language many of they cant spell, fill in the blanks what more string simple sentences together. what would this mean to their future? omg. i lose sleep thinking of ways to teach them, thinking of easier n more effective lesson plans, how to make them sit n listen n behave, what am i doing wrong? what can i do better? why cant i get through them? why do i even care? why am i still here?

 i think about them so much when i'm driving to work, eating breakfast, lunch and sometimes afterwork! wth is happening. its becoming nightmarish. its stressing me out! i cannot erase it from my system!
 i use to tease my bf saying he was married to his work seems like that disease has caught unto me. i'm bringing work baggage home daily. in my head! and its TORTURE!

Screaming, fighting, shouting, doing paperwork, preparing for lessons and going into class knowing NOBODY is listening is VERY DEMOTIVATING. i try the hard way, the nice way, the neutral dont care way. I use colours, teaching aids, laptop and movie and songs, i bring funny things into class, i tell animated explanations and examples, i draw cartoons. ALL WAYS DONT WORK. they are just disinterested in English. its a mental block put there by the people around them, the environment. its so frustrating!

There is heavy politics within the teachers and so much negativity coming from them. they fight n bitch among themselves so much. they have groups n i'm usually an outcast but its nice to sit on the fence but sometimes it gets lonely no fren in sch... i go to sch singing happily n come home feeling i got sucked dry of energy.

there is so much pressure from my seniors

so much pressure i put unto myself

i  confess i feel soooo burdened, i'm constantly falling sick n i feel i'm fighting a loosing battle. why is teaching so hard? Its not like just teaching in class (which is GIANT KILLER TASK already), there is so much extra curriculum activities, sports, entertaining, rubbish paperwork, learning to not step into work politics n get burned, and extra duties to carry !!!

Parents who have 3 kids complain like mad they dont know how to control their teenagers and how to talk to them. well imagine me- I HAVE 200 KIDS and all of them are ROARING WITH HORMONES ready to march around the sch, pour kerosene and burn it down if it was legal. HOW AM I SINGLEHANDEDLY going to face all this?!

Lord, i've come to a realization.

i cannot keep asking for things to get better,

i need to pray for MORE STRENGTH, MORE WISDOM, MORE COURAGE and PATIENCE so i can stand up to it and OVERCOME it instead of looking at it negatively and feeling sooooooo freaking depressed day in day out.

I must try. i must fight . and i will try so hard before i make a final decision. i wont give up on them yet. i wont give up on me. Amen.

Teaching update week 5: Gooooodmoooorninggg Teacherrr

ALOHA DEAR READERS!!

Oh school.

i hated it in teenage high school

i hate it right now

its not so much the teaching

its more of the extra paperwork n responsiblities they force down ur throat like being teacher of Kelab pencegah jenayah,conducting meetings, taking them out for camps n ceramahs, being ajk kelab staff guru which runs the sch n all programs, being in Pengakap which i have no idea what it does, kelab english and going for endless meetings endless paperwork to sign n fill

oh did i mention?

form 1 kids now no more exams no more PMR or SPM.

they are assessment based like the ones u see in American schs.

they got show and tell, teacher evaluate them thru behaviour, overall speaking n cooperation and exercises throughout the year.

PLEASE LAH NO EXAM U THINK U WOULD HAVE STUDIED?!

this system is FLAWED and it will create MORE IDIOTS in the country (not like there isnt abundant supply of them already)

So it comes back to the question:

THEM OR ME?

deep down in my heart i do love my kids. its SOOO hard to love the little monsters but they are sooooooo lacking, so lost and no normal teacher seems to care to improve the level of english in this paddy field sch. I feel obligated to help them, to just make a wee bit difference!

who cares u cant score in exam test or public examinations. i want them to be able to grow up n speak BASIC conversational english that could be useful in life. To be able to say in times of asking for help " excuse me, can i......and followed by a thank u" or being smart enough to order food at a restaurant like McD or shopping malls or giving basic instructions like "turn left and walk straight" or go to the bank and say "i would like to open an account under my father's name and here is the money" or to be able to count and understand maths in english so that one day no conman will come n steal all their money away.

 ENGLISH IS IMPORTANT and ENGLISH WILL BRING U SOMEPLACE SOMEDAY. 

that is the msg i want to get across. since they are still young there is hope. but am i the person to give them such hope?

in my naive-ness i said these words in my 1st class " Jangan risau english itu susah, teacher janji by the end of the year u all will be able to speak English sikit sikit". They nodded their heads in unison and i woke up n asked myself wth did i just say and what if i couldnt keep to my promise? oh god..why do i allow them to creep into my soul n find a soft spot?

On the other hand i've been having ulcers n fever continuously for 3 weeks n seen multiple doctors eaten multiple antibiotics. i 'm insomiac and panicky all the time. i've lost my appetite, my passion to live and i want to die all the time. this morning my nose bleed the moment i woke up. terkejut die me. So negative point would be the stress is eating me up n my health is failing fast :(

Astro Xiao tai yang show - strawberry jie jie and watermelon gege

my fav stall in gurney drive ! the fried chicken skin is DA BOMB!

abel with his nonsensical facial expression !

on the other hand i think about my own wonderful life in penang..

there is my awesome job, there is HIM and there is so much freedom so much happiness just waiting for me.

the job i'm so passionate about. the guy i love and all the wonderful food i can eat and all the exciting events i wanna be in!

all i need to do is to give up one and return to the island.

but that soft spot in my soul cannot release the guilt.

my oh my..i've been praying for the wisest decision but why cant i get an answer?

Maybe dear reader u could help me pray along?

my mind thinks about choice A or choice B all the time..to stay is to kill myself for the sake of others and to leave is to save myself n kill my students future.

decisions decisons..oh bother!

Today its Senamrobik 1Murid 1Sukan

Morning students n readers alike!!

its 6.30am in the morning n i'm all up n dressed in red shirt n tracksuit (i hate tracksuits make me look like mrs potato) for a reason.

and that reason is becasue today its SENAMROBIK 1M 1S (1 murid 1sukan) another brillianto idea from our beloved goverment in hopes to keep our little young ones in sch healthy happy n free from trouble. The sch n its stress gave me multiple ulcers not recovering ,fever n sinus back. i wonder how healthy this change could be..

  (its like hoping fish could spring out of the water to talk n drink beer, the mighty minds on the top think that 1 session of aerobics looking like the ah sum in the taman perumahan there will change their attitude from gangsters into meek mice. blah)

oh as a teacher i can only speak GOOD of this program since i must not "kacang lupakan kulit" and forget who pays my paycheck at the end of the month so i dont need to survive on air n sunshine n photosynthesis like the lalang tepi longkang. sabar....

Its a MALAYSIAN RECORD FEAT as this program will be held simultaneously with 4 million students from primary to secondary (wow like half the country adi) dancing n shaking their booty booty to the video above from 8am- 10am. THATS A FULL NON STOP 2 freaking hours okay! wah..my frens and i get to be part of some Malaysian Book of Records wei! hebat wei! (if only they gave out food or extra holidays for participating that would be pretty nice)

 Tomorrow i bet half the sch will be on Mc for sakit pelbagai..

So wish me luck that i dont pull a muscle or start loosing it with students in class today. I realise i'm begining to be very ganas lah in talking because of the hostile environment. sometimes i say terrible things like "baik duduk and stop fighting or i'll tie u to the chair" or "Stop talking u want to eat my chalk?!"

Gosh.. feels like warden guarding juve prison. Haha!! Happy working all u normal people out there n dont forget that EVERY JOB has its own set of stress, troubles and problems so dont compare jobs with ur frens n be thankful for being employed n fed n clothed!

ok, going out to break a leg now! metaphorically of course ;)

a missing puzzle

Hi dear readers.

clown creampuff with her super cute jap kids in penang

there is not one day that passes that i dont think about my carefree penang life, frens, food and clowning job. i swear i mean this with all my heart.

There are times i sit n stare into space thinking when will i ever get to relive the passion. it hurts so much sometimes my heart literally aches and i blink away tears to not look weak.

the kids in sch and teaching are not the main problem its the distance with the things i love up north.

i miss this monkey alot n ldr can take its toll on us :(

to stay for them students or just run after my own happiness?

then i ask myself, when the time comes to choose. 

What will make it be worth it? 

Am i mad to give up on opportunities and youth for these kids?

will my life make a  difference in their lives?

what about the people who need me in penang?

 will it be worth to sacrifice my happiness to enrich the lives of others? 

what would make me a better person? 

so many questions. so little sleep. hence i'm soo sick these days with headaches, fever, ulcers, gastric and etc. i dare not complain too much as not to worry my dear aunty n family. they have been too nice to me. feeding n housing me n paying for so many things. feeling indebted is also 1 reason i feel like going back pg n not trouble anybody in life...all i want is to fall into deep sleep n have visions of a clear answer in this dilemma...

storytelling time with my kids

Hello class!

haha..today for once i went to sch and i went home feeling purposeful.

God does work in miraculous ways only yesterday i felt like shit n giving up and i just prayed to give me a purpose to push on and today just before recess i got my prayer answered :)

I had to relieve 3M class for 1 hour. they were like the last class out of 10 classes. the teachers said they were a rambunctious uncontrollable rude freaky bunch so it kinda put me on my toes the moment i stepped in. True enough by the first 10 minutes turned into horror as the malay boy threatened to punch the lights out of the Indian boy next to him for reporting to discipline teacher about his smoking escapes in sch toilet. To escape so much tension in their small confined class i took them to the library. omg..the journey to the library itself set 15 of them running in different directions n i had to scream threaten n play hide n seek to catch them back. they were even hiding under the fire extinguisher hose, under the bench, behind curtains n some standing between ledge to make fun of me searching for them! haiyo such rascals indeed!

After much screaming n merciless running around i caught all of them into the library to read or just sit around FAR from each other to ease the tension and just stop fighting among one another. (dont be surprised as quiet little tudung girls will suddenly get up, scream, box n hit boys back right in front of ur eyes n they both will be yelling obscenities at the top of the voices even with me around)

after 45 minutes i was walking around and to my great astonishment the naughtiest rascal in class with a scruffy face and untucked shirt looked up at me n said "ticer, ajar i baca buku cerita english speaking la"

So i took the nearest kindergarden picture book and we opened the 1st page n i asked him to read the 1st sentence " Once upon a time, there lived a poor boy named Jack and his mother". The kid could not even go past the first 3 words n choked n looked to me for help. Oh no, the boy could not read. at 15 years old i realized so many of them in this class COULD NOT READ. it broke my heart...i mean WHAT WERE THE TEACHERS BEFORE THIS DOING?!!15 years just wasted?! how could this happen in today's modern society?!

Seeing how difficult it was i didnt want to discourage the poor kid so i helped him thru the 1st page n without realizing we had a little circle sitting down to listen as i translated n gave meaning to each word. It was a miracle as i narrated the story and pointed at pictures n made sound effects as if i was clowning, the boys just sat there n KEPT QUIET listening instead of talking for the 1st time ever!

 So 15 minutes later on when the story ended, the same boy looked at me and said "best lah ticer, minggu depan kita baca cerita lain ok?" and he smiled at me. i had made friends with a notorious kid which was actually quite nice inside :) and i smiled back.

Can u ever believe it, the whole bunch had NEVER heard the story of " Jack n the Beanstalk". NEVER HEARD before in their lives. and i was so ignorant thinking everybody shared the same good childhood i once had. what an eyeopener this was.. 

later on, i went to relieve 5 Landskap also the last of the last form 5 class and i just talked to the 7 of them and found out that all of them have night jobs cause their families were soo poor, they have never heard of a Chinese wedding, never heard stories of Penang and its wonders and they just told me random funny things like asking me to go eat cendul or rendang at their pasar malam stall . The worst of the bunch are actually the nice, hardworking decent ones because they have so often been misunderstood n alienated just because they dont perform well academically other ppl just label them as "hopeless" which is so sad as well.

Its weird to have to have little people calling me "Ticer Ticer" or "Sentra" in the hallways and repeated telling the class, good morning sit down or keep quiet!! Stop fighting!! Sit down!!
 I'm trying to get used to malay girls kissing my hand (salam) in respect when the class ends and i'm trying to adapt to the limited choices of food in sch n surrounding area (penang food has made my tongue very picky indeed). Heck, i'm even trying to speak BM in one straight line without adding any hokkien or english or halt trying to think of a translation in my brain. its all so new n so tiring! haha

and today was the first time, even though i was not formally teaching in a classroom setting, i had done something worthwhile in my life. and i went home so tired but satisfied for i had turned into a student n learned new things from my students. see la, how ironic how the world works...

why am i even in sch?

Hi dear readers :)

this is my 3rd week as a teacher and today i survived monday blues!

cant believe i'm still hanging on. i mean look at me! i havent quit! omg saying this at this point makes me feel like superwoman wei ! means i'm stronger than i tot i was..thank u for all ur support that has directly and  indirectly helped me thru and thru. Sometimes when i'm alone in sch i think back of all the words ppl have told me verbally n written and it lifts my spirits to know that i'm not alone, that i'm doing something right and to never stop fighting.

view from my sch window..hecters n hecters of oil palm n plantations...

current plan is to hold on for another 3 months cause bad news- $alary only comes in after 3 months of paperwork n registration thingy..owhh shitty rite? they expect us to eat air, photosynthesize like plants for food n walk to sch cause all that no need money wan. genius of a boss up there. all teachers my batch are suffering the same fate as well.

So many ppl asking..so wats ur future plan ah?

simple answer i'm going to struggle thru these 3 months n decide whether i wanna continue long term or just quit n go back penang.

Sometimes i get so fed up of answering i just say yaya..i'm good. teaching so good why dont like..bla bla all is good and those nosy uncle n aunties stop bugging my life.

my workdesk where i sit alone.

But deep down i still feel very miserable indeed. my life in my cousin's house is more than good but the life during worktime..haih.. i promised to never speak evil of my sch n teaching so i wont. I still dont have timetable yet u know. means i go to sch do nothing but relief classes n sit in my corner by myself counting down hours to go home..what a wasteful existence n waste of youth n talent.

I dare say the only good thing is i get my weekends off, i get to go church n for once live a normal life with my family n loved ones all over again..i only LOVE WEEKENDS!! jalan jalan, see him, eat alot, sleep alot, got mom homecook food n do free laundry n just feeling cared for. (so directly after 12noon bell on friday i shoot on highway tekan minyak terus go home- shows how desperate i am to run from sch and all its biro admin crap)

breakfast made with love :)

We saw a clown (his name is Lolypop) in jusco on saturday. i was so excited i tell u. just watching the clown made my heart skip a million beats! we lined up n waited quite long n i made my own balloon sculpture. touching the balloon, hearing the familiar squashing noises of twisting it n watching the kids around the clown made me SOOOOOOOO nostalgic. i wanted to be Creampuff the clown again. i wanted to just fly back to penang asap!

 it made my heart tore once again between family and teaching and home VS love and penang freedom and events job. i hate to be stuck in these situations. to be selfish or just be filial? to be safe or be constantly worrying abt cash? to be confined with rules or to live life independently free? 

i just wish i had more wisdom and insight to choose the better of these choices cause when the time comes i will certainly have to sacrifice one and pay for the consequences :(

Eating out of sadness

Dear readers

i promised to never speak evil of my work or anything related to sch so i will stick to it.

deep down i'm very sad n sort of homesick to go back to penang.. oh dont say i have not tried to adapt, i'm a great adapter n i still cannot accept many things especially schtime, the weather n being lonely without friends.

to replace that emptiness in my heart i have not done any substance abuse lah dont worry.

i have turned to my old fren mr Food. I've been eating like a pig n yet nothing seems to taste nice (outside of aunt's house) in fact everything i've eaten so far outside is plain mediocre cause my heart is totally not into it.. :(

take for instance :

on monday i ate:

-cereal n milk

-2fish n rice

-chocolate bread 1 roll

-teh tarik (cold n yucky)

-biscuits

-peanuts

-2 packets of guava n watermelon

-1 packet of mamee monster

-1 egg sandwich

-1 packet of nyonya siam beehoon

-1 bar of kindo bueno

-homecook rice +soup

-green tea drink 1 box

-fruits

(ITS ALREADY 10,000 calories and above. in penang i never allow myself to even eat rice what more hentam so many thing at one go!)

on tuesday i ate:

-roti canai telur

-Teh tarik (cold n yucky AGAIN)

-a banana

-1 packet of Mr. potato chips

-rice n fish in cantten

-sunquick

-a bun

-10 keropok lekor

- a burger (threw away half cause the patty was uncooked)

-asam laksa (worst i ever eaten from pasar malam)

-nadaje cake (its sooooo creamy at the end part i felt quite sick)

- Mc D fries

- fruits

(verdict: just as bad as monday ..i feel so tired the end of the day cause i think my liver n kidneys cant work as fast)

on wednesday i ate:

-a banana

- ham chim peng

-teh tarik

- broken dry fried beehoon (free from sch sukantara)

-fried rice from students corner

- 2 packets of watermelon

-keropok

- a bun

- santan filled cendol from jonker 88

- fried osyter oo chian from some heritage shop

- nandos 1 set

-preserved junk 1 packet

-1 putu piring (very famous in melaka i like this one)

- fruits

(everyday i'm eating beyond what my body can process n then feel even more guilty the next day, and the cycle repeats it pathetic-ness)

i need to find an outlet to destress, eat less, get exercise again n stop feeling so damn blue day in day out!!

i go to work 6.30 am come back also almost 3.30pm and i'm so damn tired i just need to sleep. whole day n night i'm tired god knows why n i'm so cranky its affecting my relationships with people. sometimes i want to slap myself n ask how fast i've changed in just 2 weeks..haiyo..FAT DIE ME la..depressed even more. damn it.

Suggestions anyone?

break the wings of the butterfly

I miss the days when i use to be so carefree happy. when my eyes sparkled with life n i woke up so positive  and ready to conquer the world!

I have to say, after yesterday's blogpost about my rants at the paddy field i never expected such overwhelming response n replies from people all over. thank u! :) Most of them were encouraging n supportive but u know lah, got good also got bad wan. 

I even received hate mail from a bunch of people (no need to mention who) saying that my previous blogpost was uncalled for. that i was a moron for shaming my parents in public n making myself look so pathetic. that i was not worth respecting and that i'm an ass and i'm not grateful to anything my family has ever given me. it also mentioned that i had lousy character n temperamental blah blah *pause n reread hate mail* 

In my defense i'm here to address all people who feel the same way (that i'm an ass useless daughter who blogs too much personal stuff online n risk getting mocked by readers).

1. This is MY BLOG. i will freaking write, complain, rejoice, post photos and videos of whatever and whoever i please as long as its the truth! If u dislike reading what i have to write then just dont click into my website so simple nia. If u hate eating vegetables will u walk into a vegetarian shop and order?! no rite? so please do the same n save urself from reading my blog if ur on the anti-sandra team. 

2. Secondly, after much thought i am very sorry to my parents for saying hurtful things n using bad words (which is frowned upon in the house). I'm sorry for making mom cry n dad flying furious with my unaccepted behaviour. I am sorry for not being the perfectionist daughter and living up to standarts but I WILL NOT be sorry for what i feel before i came here and the current situation. all that sadness, frustration and anger is REAL! 100% real n hurtful.

3. I realised how ironic it is. When i received the posting and rejected teruk teruk to NOT GO i had a hard time cause they said i was silly to reject the golden bowl and alot of objections kept pouring in until i drowned in guilt n tot of giving it a try. When i'm ALREADY here i still get objections teruk teruk. so what difference does it make whether i rejected or took up the posting?! both ways also i'm the bad guy. its like walking left to be eaten by a tiger and walking right to be eaten by a crocodile. BOTH WAYS ALSO its a dead end of death.

4. If u dont already know, i'm an english major. and to think that i have lashed out ALL profanities and crudeness in my previous hate blogpost u are soooooooo wrong!!!

 i have enough arsenal of vocab to curse n contaminate the entire pacific ocean to DIE, revive the Kraken n swallow all of u whole and i only used the mildest words to describe the horrible torture i have to endure. U think i'm inconsiderate? ur lucky i have not open 1 post just to blast u back for making me so angry this morning. oh boy i have sugarcoated everything soo much because i dont want to hurt the people around me.

5. I freaking broke down and cried in class today (right in front of the kids) after reading the hate msg n rethinking about my stupid stupid decisions in life. I wanted to jump off the 4th floor this morning. u think i'm joking but i'm not. The funniest thing is NONE of my 40 students saw me cry or blow my nose for 30 minutes as they were busy talking, fighting with each other ignoring the weird Chinese teacher in front. i'm so lucky i got away from explaining cause they couldn't be bothered.

6. I feel like a chunck of me is left in penang, i feel empty inside. i go to work looking at my watch counting down the hours to go home nia.

i hate being judged, i hate being locked up in a place where none of my opinions or ideas will ever take action. Its like capturing a butterfly n breaking off its wings n putting it in a jar to suffocate n die. That is how i feel right now. but do u care? no...do u understand ? no... all u know is that i'm a pampered selfish bitch who wants the comfortable life n doing things my way.

If i wanted the good life i would have taken it a long time ago. which blimmering idiot girl rejects a proposal and instead stubbornly works her ass of renting a small room in a place far from her comfortable house, falling sick regularly, taking care of everything big n small alone, worrying about insufficient money everymonth and worrying about pleasing my parents in everyway. Which idiot would do that for passion?! *raise hand* ME!! i'm that idiot. and u have no right to call me pampered or selfish because my decision to leave my passion, my love n my life in penang is the greatest sacrifice i can ever give anybody. and i chose to give it to my parents. not my boyfren or not to chase a high paying carrier. I am grateful to every cent mom n dad paid thru my studying years and all the moral support they rendered in my rock bottom times. I AM grateful thats why i went againts all odds n ppl advicing me to be selfish n ignore my parents- i said no i will try to make them happy. REMEMBER that fact the next time u want to point fingers at me moron.

I used to be so fun. I use to sparkle and get amazed at small things. i would laugh like a girl n loved people wholeheartedly without biasness. now i cant see light in my eyes. i see hollowness n emptiness resounding in the place where my soul used to be on fire.

After today's fiasco of crying in class i kicked myself n i'm not gonna complain no more. i'm just gonna swallow my pride n soilder on . Mom advice "if u have nothing good to say dont say it at all". Okay, i try to apply this line into my life. I WILL NOT speak evil of my short pathetic teaching life no more for all it brings is conflict n hate n negative feelings. no more!! eww.. begone!! i will survive this shit and pull myself together.

The last thread of happiness i have is my blog. and to stop asking me to blog about my feelings is robbing me of the last thing that keeps me sane.

The report of my new life as a paddy farmer.

hi dear readers

by now many would have known or guess that my short break from Penang to Melacca was to go for the teaching posting.

yea yea some will say that i was so damn against it so why suddenly change mind n go?!! siao ki liao?!

answer is simple just to please my parents. i do love them very much n especially after so much conflict n unresolved anger i gave in n went for "probation" teaching period. meaning i can leave whenever i please.

 i exchanged sacrificed my good life in penang, the people i love, the food and my awesome job n freedom to come to this goddamn paddy field to rot n die.

dont worry i plan to leave asap when my first paycheck comes in (unless i fall in love with teaching which is unlikely as a cow would wear a green polka dot dress.)

the scenery i see everyday to and fro work. paddy n more paddy.

wore this first day of work

wore this second day of work.

TOP THINGS I HATE ABOUT THIS PLACE :

1.The people here both teachers n students are fucking racists. they act like chinese people eat pork n have this infectious disease that can spread thru looking at them in the eyes. NOBODY wants to be my fren or lend me reference books to read. not even the students wanna have conversation with me and give me the weird look. wth man. this is malaysia and the sch is 99.9% malay students 0.01% indians and ZERO chinese.

2.Mentality of 90% teachers n students n makcik canteen all came from caveman period where wearing office wear with skirt over knee length is frowned upon n all of them STARING and COMMENTING at me like i walk around naked n dancing. (just because the rest cover up like penguins doesnt mean i need to change my name to siti sandra n follow). My head panitia doesnt give a hoot about me and has this pelik character of her own. (no wonder her name is still MISS in the front)

3. this is my pathetic looking table crawling with swarms of ants. u cant see them as my camera lousy cannot macro in on them. they crawl over my books, bags, my hands, my baju n when i lie down to nap they crawl over my face. damn it so irritating! the other teachers are immune to bugs so they never complain they consider these army of ants invisible n continue eating n laughing like normal.

4. I was assigned to sit right below this faulty air con unit n water drips on my left arm every 30 minutes o so. imagine sitting underneath this crappy shit n getting watered automatically like some lab plant. this seat is also VERY HOT n stuffy as i'm in the most corner exiled part of the staffroom cramped with 100 teachers. hot + air con dripping n ants is a horrible working condition.

5. There are monkeys living in the trees of the teachers open carpark. apparently they scratch ur car n steal ur mirrors cause they like shinny stuff. the amount of bug level is high not surprisingly cause left n right is forest n the SIZE OF LIZARD is like godzilla!! not to mention numerous chickens n ducks all over sch. they walk around freely making u feel like ur driving into a pasar cum zoo more than a sch.

6. I have no idea why the admin department can be so freaking lazy its already the 2nd week n nobody is working on the timetable so i have no classes at all. so i sit at my sit mostly online with my hp or staring at the ants crossing my table. try doing that daily for 8 hours see u go insane o not!! dah lah nobody wanna talk to me or be my fren i have nothing to do n feel like a complete waste of my life! I HATE IT SO MUCH i almost cried in frustration today morning.

7. The discipline level is low. stupidity level is high. the boys especially are uncontrollable wild just like the monkeys in the carpark. they wolf whistle n call me amoi when i walk pass. i just give them the DEATH STARE. today i asked a form 3 kid what time is it and the guy said "teacher i tak paham apa u cakap". this is the part i feel like slapping myself with my shoes. many are illiterate and NO interest whatsoever to study. main aim come to sch is to "cuci mata" look at girls / guys n most of them get married after spm. wtf man?

There is so so soooooooooooo much more i hate about this teaching life.
 the sch n system is all fcuked up and i'm changing into a passive depressed person i never was before. its so scary its only been 3 days but it feels like robbing 3 years of my youth n potential.

sadness n frustration weigh heavily on my shoulders during sch time. i never felt so blue n useless n meaningless in my entire life, worst than uni final exam depression time. u may say i'm exaggerating but when ur caught in a job that sucks ur energy low, full of negativism n no space for talent to grow u would be suicidal like me.

the only way i revenge against all this crap is by eating junkfood, reading comics and conveniently taking naps on my table whenever i want (principal is a potato who doesnt  know his staff names so he doesnt give a hoot abt me) thus making the other teachers BOIL with jealousy n anger cause they have millions of crapwork to do..wakakaka..

the only time i'm happy n blessed is AFTER WORK!!

i have my awesome cousie Su May and aunt who feeds me, talks to me, so generous with love n care i feel like a normal human being again. their house is so awesomeballs!. they have a piano i can play, a fridge stuffed with food, hot water n nice bathroom, flat screen tv with astro! (forgot how long i never just laze n watch tv after uni started)

 the best blessing was they gave me a ROOM OF MY OWN!!

 it comes with huge working table, 3 fans, 1 aircon, 1 personal tv, own dresser +cupboard and new bed set!! i feel like a princess in the room. OMG!! kindness maximus :) love em for their generosity n warmth. after 5 years in uni, living in a proper house makes me feel so human again and i forget whatever sadness i endured at work. :)

ok la. all i need now is my roti pisang + teh tarik, a race with my pink scooter, a warm hug and clowning n exciting events... sigh..bertahan for the following month first then see how. counting down 28 more days to go. God bless all new teachers. from their stories i know they so need it too! haha..