"Nicole Scherzinger sings like I have 
never heard anybody sing. She is the 
bomb dot com" - will.i.am
 
"How can you call me a c**t? You 
shagged your team-mate's missus, you're 
a c**t" - Anton Ferdinand
----------------------------------------------
POPBITCH           _     _ _       _
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| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_|         |_|  12.07.12 ISSUE 602
 
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to http://www.popbitch.com
Send us stories - email: hello@popbitch.com
* You can't slurry love
* The Guardian: down the toilet
* Charts: Florence ATM/Calvin H are number one
-----------------------------------------------
 
 
        >> Funny and Cher <<
        How to get on US TV
 
    Big news today is that Cher Lloyd has 
    managed to secure a huge US TV appearance
    - on America's Got Talent, no less.
 
    Yup, that's X Factor and Syco's Cher
    Lloyd (prop: Simon Cowell) appearing 
    on a TV show run by... Simon Cowell. 
 
    Wonder how they arranged that!
 
 
-----------------------------------------------
The opening night at this year's Locarno Film
Festival is confirmed as... Nick Love's remake
of The Sweeney. Hell, meet handcart.
-----------------------------------------------
 
 
        >> Cock 'n roll <<
        Purple member invades telly
 
    Sky TV had a great promo lined up for
    their coverage of Download festival,
    featuring Tenacious D.
       
    Luckily someone at Sky Arts realised 
    that also on the stage with Jack Black 
    was a giant purple cock and they were 
    able to pull the promo. But not before 
    the massive member got an airing on
    Sky Living mid-afternoon this week...
 
http://bit.ly/LRo4N9
 
 
------------------------------------------------
Nominative Determinism of the week, pt 1:
Jim Beveridge... Master Blender for Johnnie 
Walker whisky.
------------------------------------------------
 
 
        >> Big Questions <<
        What people are asking this week
 
    Once upon a time it was rock stars who
    would trash hotel rooms. Nowadays,
    according to hotel workers at a 
    luxury US establishment, it's
    the biggest RnB stars who are doing 
    the damage - and it's much more grim.
   
    But which ones were responsible for:
    * Half-sucked lollipops wedged between
    the headboard and the mattress?
    * Fried chicken hidden under the bed?
    * Cigarettes stubbed out on carpeted
    floors?
    * Used condoms "anywhere and everywhere"?
 
 
------------------------------------------------
Nominative Determinism of the week, pt 2:
Professor Lean, nutritionist at Glasgow
University who is about to launch
healthy, diet-conscious pizzas.
------------------------------------------------
 
 
        >> Down the toilet <<
        Guardianista eats in the bog
 
    After reporting last year that Guardian
    staff were rather distressed about
    the state of the office loos, we are
    delighted to announce that the dirty
    perpetrators have cleaned up their act.
 
    However, the toilets are now so clean
    that one member of staff has taken to
    eating their lunch in there - and is
    leaving behind a huge mess. The email
    that went round the office this time
    wasn't quite as polite as before:
 
    "Dear whoever ate their lunch in one 
    of the second floor toilet cubicles,
    Next time, clear away your debris, eh?
    Thanks."
    
 
------------------------------------------------
Nominative Determinism of the week, pt 3: 
Dr Hu, from the Institute of Space and Earth 
Information Science.
------------------------------------------------
 
      
        >> Pills & Thrills <<
        How to recreate the summer of love      
 
    At a festival this month, a DJ
    shed some light on the filming of the 
    great Chase and Status old school 
    rave video for Blind Faith. 
 
    He organised the rave for the video; 
    sorted out the warehouse, all the DJs, 
    played there himself, etc. Chase and
    Status did their bit in the middle of
    it - which was apparently shit and
    everyone stopped dancing. 
 
    But how did they get that authentic 
    rave feel? A bag of 300 pills was
    bought and shared around the happy
    crowd of extras.
 
    
------------------------------------------------
LMFAO's Sexy And I Know It is still in the
top 40 after 45 weeks. 
------------------------------------------------
 
          
        >> Mudderfucker <<
        You can't slurry love
 
    Making news this week was David Truscott, 
    a Cornish man found naked in a field,
    sexually pleasuring himself in manure.
    Mr Truscott is well-known to Popbitch 
    readers, of course. We featured his 
    first visits to Woodbury House Farm,
    way back in issue 229 (2004). The farmer
    had started to suspect something rum
    was afoot when he noticed the shape of
    an arse, two hand prints and discarded
    tissues in his manure. After tipping
    off the police, Truscott was found
    in the farm's muckspreader, wearing 
    just shiny shorts and rubber gloves.
    Well, whatever you say about him,
    you can't say he's not loyal.
 
    Lucky manure:
http://bit.ly/NrkdsE
        
 
------------------------------------------------
In that Mick Jagger book that's just come out 
in the US and France, our favourite claims are
that he shagged Nureyev and Princess Margaret, 
and has tried it on with Pippa Middleton. 
------------------------------------------------
 
 
        >> Savings pot <<
        A personal view of bankers
 
Fred_funk writes:
    "The recent Diamond geezer news reminded
    me of an insight into Barclays' procurement
    processes. A few years ago a mate was on
    the verge of a fair size deal with them. 
    His contact was a recently relocated Yank.
    After a few pints one night my mate asked
    what it would take to get the deal over
    the line. He was informed that if he was
    able to provide a bag of weed, that would
    be enough to clinch things (newly arrived
    American having no pot supply in London).
 
    "Next day my mate walked into Barclays HQ
    in Canary Wharf with a quarter in an
    envelope and walked out with signed
    contract."
      
 
----------------------------------------------
Liz from Atomic Kitten has just been on a
fear of flying course at Gatwick airport.
----------------------------------------------
 
 
        >> RIP Sadie <<
        Remember all dogs go to heaven
 
    And so we say farewell to David
    Blunkett's beloved ex-guide dog Sadie,
    who sadly passed away this week. 
 
    Sadie won the hearts of Popbitch
    readers after she infamously stole
    a Yorkshire pudding from Rebekah
    Brooks' plate during a lunch meeting,
    but she was loved by all who saw her.
 
    Whilst taking a short stroll through
    Manchester's gay village a few years
    ago, the former Home Secretary was
    surprised to hear a number of wolf-
    whistles aimed in his direction. It
    turned out that they were mainly for
    Sadie though - something Mr Blunkett
    realised when a man sidled up to him
    and asked "How much for a session with
    the dog?"
 
 
------------------------------------------------
RIP: Ernest Borgnine. Wife Ethel Merman came 
back from an audition, "The director said I had 
the body of a 16 year old and the face of a 21 
year old." Ernest replied: "And your 55 year old 
c**t?" Ethel retorted: "He didn't mention you."
------------------------------------------------
 
        
        >> International Popbits <<
        Tunes from around the world       
 
    1. Kim Jung-Un's paramour, Hyon
    Song-Wol's biggest hit - 
    "Excellent Horse-like Lady"
 
    2. Paedo-pop alert! Madison Beer.
    This American 12 year-old is hyped
    as the new Bieber.  
 
    3. Euro 2012's theme, Endless Summer
    by Oceana, is massive in beach resorts:
 
Listen:
http://bit.ly/LhMXVr

**********************************************
 
 
        >> Hmms <<
        C**ts, cakes, capes
 
    John Terry's bike?
http://bit.ly/LLf9ld
 
    iStash. Genius:
http://bit.ly/NzVoKI
    
    The politics of the social web:
http://on.mash.to/NjGDwx
 
    Mike Delaney, the world's premier 
    football choreographer, has a new
    video:
http://www.givemore.org.uk/blog/sports-video/
 
    Irish Daily Mail's spelling gaffe on a 
    special "farewell" cake for Westlife. 
    Might be 'Farwell' to their cake maker:
http://lockerz.com/s/219371991
 
    Physicists dissect Batman's cape:
http://bit.ly/LLapM8
 
    Fanny pants - for men who want a vagina:
http://bit.ly/OzMLgT
 
 
**********************************************
A year on from getting his NOTW t-shirt
photographed around the world, Tom Latchem has 
finally sobered up enough to make a
podcast called Tongue The Week with fellow
journalist Cristo Foufas. Have a listen:
http://tonguetheweek.podbean.com
**********************************************
 
 
     >> Stuff about Popbitch <<
 
* Email us stories, gossip, otter pics:
hello@popbitch.com
 
* Subscribe or unsubscribe here:
http://www.popbitch.com
 

*********************************************
 
 
Old Jokes Home
Marriage councillor says to a couple, 
"Tell me something both of you 
have in common."  
 
Husband, after a long awkward silence 
says, "Well, neither of us sucks cock."
 
 
 
Still Bored? 
The kilogram is losing weight -
and it could cause trouble:
http://bit.ly/NqxsWA