teaching is like a fishbone in my throat

DEAR BLOG READERS...

where is my own happiness?

Sch has been hard on everyone. my fellow teacher frens n myself. reading their posts n laments sometimes makes me wonder why did teaching become so hard n complicated? (we all have faced the insomia, the frustration, repeatedly falling sick, the unspoken bullying n quiet tears, the pressure to perform and the truckloads of shitwork like decorating, preparing for majlis n ucapan n going for kursus, ceramah and filling in millions of non teaching paperwork)

to add to suffering i had to care lah. to do work n prepare properly n stress myself silly in the process. (just fin 3 hours exam papers n my SchBaseAssesment files are still not finnished n not keyed in online, i'm working at full speed.

 its like never ending sch work even eating into my weekends. i feel physically SICK thinking abt it. nausea from the pit of my stomach!!

every weekend i lie on my bed curl up like a prawn, put the pillow on my head and cry.

its haunting why this is happening so often every weekend. the stress, mental tiredness, loneliness and emptiness of my soul cannot be described in words so they just flow freely thru my eyes.

i hate crying. i want this to stop.

The days are SO hard to pass. i swear i have never been so depressed.

i beg for an answer why is there no answer?

there is so much unhappiness n restrictions in sch and the same cycle happens at home.

there is much i am unhappy abt BUT since there r too many gossipmongers who are more than too happy to batu api n report my name i will not share any of my domestic problems here.

i am reminded WHY I APPLIED TO GO USM. the uni so freaking far from my home. i remember the very reason i wanted to run and now its the same reason i want to return to penang.

nothing i do is good enough. nothing.nothing.nothing.

freedom of body, mind n speech is lost.lost.lost.

i wish he was here.

i wish i was there.

i wish to remember how passion n freedom felt.

i wish there was an answer.

i wish they would care more, be more understanding.

i wish for all this negativism to go away.

blogging has always given me a sense of calm n control after being so emotional. thank u for reading n being so understanding dear reader :)