clothes peg. just hanging on.

i'm hanging on like a clothes peg.

the winds of change and winds of sorrow blow and blow mercilessly.

they make me cry at night.

they make me cry at day.

they turn me into the girl i cannot recognize today.

she who is upset all the time there is a dark sickness eating her inside out.

sometimes its so tiring to fight the wind, the sun and the occasional rain.

all i want to do is to just let it go.

to go back to the life i once knew, the life where i had sunshine laughter as a social butterfly and was free to soar as high as thy heart wanted.

but sadly all she is now is a clothes peg.

once so strong her strength is now failing her.

tears are the proof of the rapture of her soul.

waiting for her owner to peg the right clothing on her so that she will know which cloth is WORTH holding on.

her soul is drying up n dying.

please hurry. please.

On and On song

The reason i posted this song i have just heard today is because in my deepest turbulence and uneasy heart he dedicated this song to me.

 and the lyrics mean the world. it soothes the aching heart like a cool drink of water on a hot day

 and i'm just so grateful for beautiful people in the world who help forget the past n smile into the future :)

"On And On by Mat kearney"

If tonight is your last train out of here
How you gonna run like that? How you gonna run like that?
If this one life, one love left here to share
How you gonna turn your back? How you gonna turn your back?

And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through
'Cause all the roads lead back to you

On and on and on we pray, we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go, I don't understand this windy road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

If there's one thing that I need to hear from you
Is how we gonna see this through, how we gonna see this through
If there's one thing that I know to be true
Is that I'm in love with you, is that I'm in love with you

And I don't care if everyone knows what we're going through
'Cause all the roads lead back to you

On and on and on we pray, we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go, I don't understand this windy road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy

And we'll keep on, keep on climbing on down this narrow line
So we can see the other side, the other side

On and on and on we pray, we can break into a brighter day
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy
On and on and on we go, I don't understand this windy road
Nothing worth anything ever goes down easy, goes down easy
Goes down easy, goes down easy, goes down easy

Understanding O.C.D

HELO HELO HELO DEAR READERS! :)

i have a little confession to make..

its been a long time since i admitted that i suffer from mild mild OCD (its been with me since childhood)- those who watch Big Bang Theory will know Sheldon Cooper has major OCD like knocking Penny's door 3 times and is so damn afraid of getting dirty n contaminated from anybody anything rite?


Same here, when i'm stressed about certain things like exams or things out of my control my OCD gets worst. i tend to clean things repeatedly n have this irrational fear that something bad is about to happen..i also love to arrange things according to colour and order and get irritated when i see things out of place.

when i'm prevented from cleaning or listing down things or completing my mental task i get VERY VERY upset to the point i can start crying out of no where n suffer from insomnia.

so when i clean or arrange or tick things off my list i feel in control and that gives me power and alot of satisfaction. (sometimes u will see me cleaning in the middle of the night cause i cant sleep with the bugging idea that my floor is dusty or the laundry is unwashed in the bucket)

Many ppl actually have different types of OCD and we are not weird people. its just a mental state. 

Please be understanding to people like us. the major types need therapy tho but milder ones can be self controlled.

What is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)?

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and repetitive, ritualized behaviors you feel compelled to perform. If you have OCD, you probably recognize that your obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are irrational – but even so, you feel unable to resist them and break free.

Like a needle getting stuck on an old record, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) causes the brain to get stuck on a particular thought or urge. For example, you may check the stove twenty times to make sure it’s really turned off, wash your hands until they’re scrubbed raw, or drive around for hours to make sure that the bump you heard while driving wasn’t a person you ran over.

Understanding OCD obsessions and compulsions

Obsessions are involuntary, seemingly uncontrollable thoughts, images, or impulses that occur over and over again in your mind. You don’t want to have these ideas but you can’t stop them. Unfortunately, these obsessive thoughts are often disturbing and distracting.

Compulsions are behaviors or rituals that you feel driven to act out again and again. Usually, compulsions are performed in an attempt to make obsessions go away. For example, if you’re afraid of contamination, you might develop elaborate cleaning rituals. However, the relief never lasts. In fact, the obsessive thoughts usually come back stronger. And the compulsive behaviors often end up causing anxiety themselves as they become more demanding and time-consuming.

Most people with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) fall into one of the following categories:

• Washers are afraid of contamination. They usually have cleaning or hand-washing compulsions.
  

• Checkers repeatedly check things (oven turned off, door locked, etc.) that they associate with harm or danger.

• Doubters and sinners are afraid that if everything isn’t perfect or done just right something terrible will happen or they will be punished.

• Counters and arrangers are obsessed with order and symmetry. They may have superstitions about certain numbers, colors, or arrangements.

• Hoarders fear that something bad will happen if they throw anything away. They compulsively hoard things that they don’t need or use.

OCD signs and symptoms: Obsessive thoughts

Common obsessive thoughts in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) include:

• Fear of being contaminated by germs or dirt or contaminating others.
• Fear of causing harm to yourself or others.
• Intrusive sexually explicit or violent thoughts and images.
• Excessive focus on religious or moral ideas.
• Fear of losing or not having things you might need.
• Order and symmetry: the idea that everything must line up “just right.”
• Superstitions; excessive attention to something considered lucky or unlucky.

OCD signs and symptoms: Compulsive behaviors

Common compulsive behaviors in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) include:

• Excessive double-checking of things, such as locks, appliances, and switches.
• Repeatedly checking in on loved ones to make sure they’re safe.
• Counting, tapping, repeating certain words, or doing other senseless things to reduce anxiety.
• Spending a lot of time washing or cleaning.
• Ordering or arranging things “just so.”
• Praying excessively or engaging in rituals triggered by religious fear.
• Accumulating “junk” such as old newspapers or empty food containers.

Miscellaneous Obsessions

• Need to know or remember (e.g. if hears part of some information, the person needs to hear the rest)
• Fear of saying certain things
• Fear of not saying just the right thing (e.g. need to be perfectly understood)
• Fear of losing things
• Lucky and/or unlucky numbers (i.e. that 4 is good and 13 is bad)
• Colors with special significance (i.e. red is bad because of the devil, etc.)
• Superstitious fears (e.g. can't step on a crack)
• Fear that one already has terrible illness or disease

Unusual Obsessions

• Excessive concern with body part of aspect of appearance (not weight related)
• Bothered by certain sounds or noises
• Intrusive (non-violent) images (i.e. cartoons, faces, clouds)
• Intrusive nonsense sounds, words, or music
• Losing one's personality or positive qualities

In conclusion, i'm a mixture of a hoarder, arranger and doubter. i might have to do things in a certain order n in my own way so dont get angry when u see the ocd manifest.

I think i'm not mad. If u suffer from mild OCD u are not mad either.

Learned a new thing by reading this article? are u OCD too? share ur experience with me! :) 

ok, have a wonderful day sunshines!! *over n out*

I paste a PLASTER on my head

nobody would believe it. even i cant believe it

my prayers from July until now was answered in a DESSERT SHOP in small sban!

i finally have an answer. I have an answer to my madness and obsession of mr.X.

My girls Chris (who just got back from NZ ) and Catherine actually knocked rational sense into me after 2 hours of talking.

Main lessons learned that made me quite angry with myself for not realizing it myself:

1.STOP BEING A SLAVE and doing everything for him cause he will take u for granted.

2. STOP believing the excuse he has no time! if he can go "overseas" often to see the other girl and no time for u he is not worth it. trust no guy n his words in fact.

3. STOP feeling shitty low esteem, losing my character and losing all my maruah diri !

4. Time limit set for positive affirmation is end of the year. after that its time to close eyes, kill hope n totally take flight!

5. I am beautiful, educated and lovable. why bind myself on a one way love highway of suffering?! BODOHNYER!

God actually spoke n said its time to stop the madness. focus on singlehood , dont rush anything n repair all the broken things inside first.

and with the reassurance above from both of them . (the rest of the girls in penang have been repeatedly saying n scolding me repeatedly but only today only just now it all made perfect sense. )

WHY THE HECK AM I ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE TREATED LIKE DIRT?! UNAPPRECIATED n INVINSIBLE?! HOW STUPID wei was to allow him to play with my emotions like this!!

 if he cant appreciate / love me then heck there are other better guys out there who can do that !!

After such a long time i felt my eyes opened from blindness. eventhough i fear i might be soft hearted when i see him face to face but i will remind myself of this answered prayer. and i thank u Lord for lifting my rock burden, throw it into the sea and allowing peace in my heart .

 Aihh, after listening to their experiences. sometimes i feel we sban girls (girls from small kampung places) are so naive, trusting n soft hearted. we melt n give in too fast when it comes to guys. its time to learn n toughen up!

I dont know. maybe i'll get weak n stumble n get all emo again in the future but i am CERTAIN of the things i want in a guy and if he is not part of the plan then ADIOS AMIGOS! :) never felt so relieved n happy in months...

stateless

Today i learnt a new word i wanna share that pin points my current situation of letting go n remembering n letting go ( so damn annoying to my mental peace) :

acc to URBAN DICTIONARY:

TWEENERS

stuck in the limbo between being more than friends, but less than lovers. not exactly dating, but quite close. (fyi, i'm not refering to a girl, v much still straight)

A real real childhood.

rocking cool Creampuff 1/2 done

HI DEAR READERS!

Today Creampuff n Ryan went for Astro Roadshow in Jawi!

hello u like my bicycle?

Today's show was ultra special.

it was not one to entertain rich spoilt clean kids or high rise coperate business people.

today we went into a small remote kampung to bring some cheer n laughter.

they ran in the super rainstorm just to take balloons. priceless smiles =)

ryan and his creation of GUITAR HERO!

i've got Polly the parrot on my shoulder!

Today's clowning session was ultra tiring as there were so many kids plus the gloomy rainstorm.

but today i learnt something valuable as well.

"TRUE HAPPINESS CANNOT BE BOUGHT WITH MONEY OR FAME"

the children were simple, not rich nor did they have much material things.

yet i envied them.

they had a REAL CHILDHOOD.

one where they could RUN outdoors in the streets,

 DANCE in the rain 

 LAUGH like normal little mischievous kids, 

CYCLE safely everywhere to their little hearts content, 

have tons of real life FRIENDS to joke, poke, jostle n play with outdoors daily.

not a single boring day in their lives.

they knew how to say THANK U and knew how to be grateful with the small things in life.

they didn't complain, shout or talk back to me.

they shared their belongings and they were protective of the younger ones.

lining up for candyfloss- something new to most of em.

cycling in the rain.

happy kampung kids . loving life just the way it is =)

Its times like this that i feel that my job is SOOOOOO REWARDING n MEANINGFUL.

to put a smile on a child's face WITHOUT taking anything in return.

money can certainly buy nice things but the better things in life are free.

i do pray that my own future children will have a proper childhood growing up like i did back in hometown Sban with my best fren Maryanne n the gang.

Today's generation of potato couch tv,  ipad and iphone kids poking n staring passively at the screen is NOT THE WAY any child grow up with, technology has somehow ROBBED children the right to be good old plain kids.