week 7- monster kids deserve more

Yes the teaching profession will either MAKE u or BREAK u. nothing much inbetween.

there is so much to it. there is so much pain , tears, sickness, stress and sadness. but there is also hope, laughter, touching moments and gratitude.
i have cried, sighed, fallen ill and laughed and cried all over again. nobody can really understand what teachers go thru unless u have taught a bunch of monsters urself.

let me share an except from my fb lament yesterday & today morning:

YESTERDAY: 

My bloodpressure shot right thru the roof! 

While teaching my monsters were group fighting with next class, 1kid rocked fell down n broke a chair, the malay dude spit all over the indian girl's table n face, another boy was crying cause his fren poked him with a jangka lukis, another kid kept going out to look at chickens and another one singing karaoke n pulling the girl's tudung another fella stealing frens stationary n shouting. Rest of them either destroying furniture, sleeping or fighting. 

ArgHH!!!!!#@*%%+**

TODAY:

Hebat news of the day : masuk puasatime monsters become worst
1. Form4 girl hits n rips off form2 girl tudung throw into drain n pulls her ear.
2. Form 2 girl runs away from house cause parents lock her in for sleeping around.
3. Form 5boys like grand thef auto operation steal people's car tyres at night n sells em. All 4 of them.
4. Bunch of boys follow hated teacher home n destroys gate.
5. Go around stealing ppl cows n goats middle of the night to sell during raya time.
It's amazing how teachers here r still alive.

this does not include the many times they tried to steal stuff like stationary from my bag while i turned away or rudely call me as Sandra eh sandra amoi mari sini! nor does it erase of all the horror stories i've heard from senior teachers about the crime rate, violence level and disappointment mostly.

But as i was talking to abel i realised something. i couldnt stand n run now. i've given them a spark of hope. everyone has been disappointing them so all in return they only know how to return disappointment. In teaching i have been thinking more like an adult, making wiser decisions, being more serious in conversation and thought. it has sparked my intellectual part of myself i never knew i once had. i like the feeling of being in control of my mind n thoughts for the first time in my life not everything is a mush or a blur.

I HAVE NEVER WORKED SO HARD in my 25 YEARS OF LIVING.
i sometimes think whether i'm enjoying it or going plain mad due to abnormal stress.

UNENDING paperwork that i hate to do in sch

paperwork has to be brought home on weekends to continue due to sloppy previous teacher's work i redo everything!

precious sight i will treasure most. Grandma helped me cut out worksheets for pbs. very touched. i love u!

Today i saw a senior teacher with 20 years under her belt CRY in the toilet cause of too much work pressure n rudeness of students. i'm looking into the toilet mirror n asking myself what if 20 years down the line i crack n break under pressure??

A little voice inside me said : i may be weak but in my weakness my God is strong. hence i will BE strong. i will fight all this. all the emo and physical pain n heartache. i go to sch so early and leave LAST in the staff room. i labour on eventho feeling v hungry n tired because i cannot see sloppy work or be unprepared for lessons or leave paperwork to the last minute.

i created this to remind myself WHY i fight so hard its because once upon a time somebody gave me a second chance in my life.

 i will fight for what i think is right at the moment. body mind n soul i will push.

 please dont let me regret...

clothes peg. just hanging on.

i'm hanging on like a clothes peg.

the winds of change and winds of sorrow blow and blow mercilessly.

they make me cry at night.

they make me cry at day.

they turn me into the girl i cannot recognize today.

she who is upset all the time there is a dark sickness eating her inside out.

sometimes its so tiring to fight the wind, the sun and the occasional rain.

all i want to do is to just let it go.

to go back to the life i once knew, the life where i had sunshine laughter as a social butterfly and was free to soar as high as thy heart wanted.

but sadly all she is now is a clothes peg.

once so strong her strength is now failing her.

tears are the proof of the rapture of her soul.

waiting for her owner to peg the right clothing on her so that she will know which cloth is WORTH holding on.

her soul is drying up n dying.

please hurry. please.

Teaching update week 5: Gooooodmoooorninggg Teacherrr

ALOHA DEAR READERS!!

Oh school.

i hated it in teenage high school

i hate it right now

its not so much the teaching

its more of the extra paperwork n responsiblities they force down ur throat like being teacher of Kelab pencegah jenayah,conducting meetings, taking them out for camps n ceramahs, being ajk kelab staff guru which runs the sch n all programs, being in Pengakap which i have no idea what it does, kelab english and going for endless meetings endless paperwork to sign n fill

oh did i mention?

form 1 kids now no more exams no more PMR or SPM.

they are assessment based like the ones u see in American schs.

they got show and tell, teacher evaluate them thru behaviour, overall speaking n cooperation and exercises throughout the year.

PLEASE LAH NO EXAM U THINK U WOULD HAVE STUDIED?!

this system is FLAWED and it will create MORE IDIOTS in the country (not like there isnt abundant supply of them already)

So it comes back to the question:

THEM OR ME?

deep down in my heart i do love my kids. its SOOO hard to love the little monsters but they are sooooooo lacking, so lost and no normal teacher seems to care to improve the level of english in this paddy field sch. I feel obligated to help them, to just make a wee bit difference!

who cares u cant score in exam test or public examinations. i want them to be able to grow up n speak BASIC conversational english that could be useful in life. To be able to say in times of asking for help " excuse me, can i......and followed by a thank u" or being smart enough to order food at a restaurant like McD or shopping malls or giving basic instructions like "turn left and walk straight" or go to the bank and say "i would like to open an account under my father's name and here is the money" or to be able to count and understand maths in english so that one day no conman will come n steal all their money away.

 ENGLISH IS IMPORTANT and ENGLISH WILL BRING U SOMEPLACE SOMEDAY. 

that is the msg i want to get across. since they are still young there is hope. but am i the person to give them such hope?

in my naive-ness i said these words in my 1st class " Jangan risau english itu susah, teacher janji by the end of the year u all will be able to speak English sikit sikit". They nodded their heads in unison and i woke up n asked myself wth did i just say and what if i couldnt keep to my promise? oh god..why do i allow them to creep into my soul n find a soft spot?

On the other hand i've been having ulcers n fever continuously for 3 weeks n seen multiple doctors eaten multiple antibiotics. i 'm insomiac and panicky all the time. i've lost my appetite, my passion to live and i want to die all the time. this morning my nose bleed the moment i woke up. terkejut die me. So negative point would be the stress is eating me up n my health is failing fast :(

Astro Xiao tai yang show - strawberry jie jie and watermelon gege

my fav stall in gurney drive ! the fried chicken skin is DA BOMB!

abel with his nonsensical facial expression !

on the other hand i think about my own wonderful life in penang..

there is my awesome job, there is HIM and there is so much freedom so much happiness just waiting for me.

the job i'm so passionate about. the guy i love and all the wonderful food i can eat and all the exciting events i wanna be in!

all i need to do is to give up one and return to the island.

but that soft spot in my soul cannot release the guilt.

my oh my..i've been praying for the wisest decision but why cant i get an answer?

Maybe dear reader u could help me pray along?

my mind thinks about choice A or choice B all the time..to stay is to kill myself for the sake of others and to leave is to save myself n kill my students future.

decisions decisons..oh bother!

a simple explanation to why God allows pain n suffering

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. 
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists.'  


Why do you say that?' asked the customer. 'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?  Would there be abandoned children? 


If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain!
I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things..'
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. 


Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.
He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:
'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'
'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber.
'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'
'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.' 


'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'   
'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. 
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'


i really liked this one. makes much sense :) sharing for all dear readers to read!