I miss the days when i use to be so carefree happy. when my eyes sparkled with life n i woke up so positive and ready to conquer the world!
I have to say, after yesterday's blogpost about my rants at the paddy field i never expected such overwhelming response n replies from people all over. thank u! :) Most of them were encouraging n supportive but u know lah, got good also got bad wan.
I even received hate mail from a bunch of people (no need to mention who) saying that my previous blogpost was uncalled for. that i was a moron for shaming my parents in public n making myself look so pathetic. that i was not worth respecting and that i'm an ass and i'm not grateful to anything my family has ever given me. it also mentioned that i had lousy character n temperamental blah blah *pause n reread hate mail*
In my defense i'm here to address all people who feel the same way (that i'm an ass useless daughter who blogs too much personal stuff online n risk getting mocked by readers).
1. This is MY BLOG. i will freaking write, complain, rejoice, post photos and videos of whatever and whoever i please as long as its the truth! If u dislike reading what i have to write then just dont click into my website so simple nia. If u hate eating vegetables will u walk into a vegetarian shop and order?! no rite? so please do the same n save urself from reading my blog if ur on the anti-sandra team.
2. Secondly, after much thought i am very sorry to my parents for saying hurtful things n using bad words (which is frowned upon in the house). I'm sorry for making mom cry n dad flying furious with my unaccepted behaviour. I am sorry for not being the perfectionist daughter and living up to standarts but I WILL NOT be sorry for what i feel before i came here and the current situation. all that sadness, frustration and anger is REAL! 100% real n hurtful.
3. I realised how ironic it is. When i received the posting and rejected teruk teruk to NOT GO i had a hard time cause they said i was silly to reject the golden bowl and alot of objections kept pouring in until i drowned in guilt n tot of giving it a try. When i'm ALREADY here i still get objections teruk teruk. so what difference does it make whether i rejected or took up the posting?! both ways also i'm the bad guy. its like walking left to be eaten by a tiger and walking right to be eaten by a crocodile. BOTH WAYS ALSO its a dead end of death.
4. If u dont already know, i'm an english major. and to think that i have lashed out ALL profanities and crudeness in my previous hate blogpost u are soooooooo wrong!!!
i have enough arsenal of vocab to curse n contaminate the entire pacific ocean to DIE, revive the Kraken n swallow all of u whole and i only used the mildest words to describe the horrible torture i have to endure. U think i'm inconsiderate? ur lucky i have not open 1 post just to blast u back for making me so angry this morning. oh boy i have sugarcoated everything soo much because i dont want to hurt the people around me.
5. I freaking broke down and cried in class today (right in front of the kids) after reading the hate msg n rethinking about my stupid stupid decisions in life. I wanted to jump off the 4th floor this morning. u think i'm joking but i'm not. The funniest thing is NONE of my 40 students saw me cry or blow my nose for 30 minutes as they were busy talking, fighting with each other ignoring the weird Chinese teacher in front. i'm so lucky i got away from explaining cause they couldn't be bothered.
6. I feel like a chunck of me is left in penang, i feel empty inside. i go to work looking at my watch counting down the hours to go home nia.
i hate being judged, i hate being locked up in a place where none of my opinions or ideas will ever take action. Its like capturing a butterfly n breaking off its wings n putting it in a jar to suffocate n die. That is how i feel right now. but do u care? no...do u understand ? no... all u know is that i'm a pampered selfish bitch who wants the comfortable life n doing things my way.
If i wanted the good life i would have taken it a long time ago. which blimmering idiot girl rejects a proposal and instead stubbornly works her ass of renting a small room in a place far from her comfortable house, falling sick regularly, taking care of everything big n small alone, worrying about insufficient money everymonth and worrying about pleasing my parents in everyway. Which idiot would do that for passion?! *raise hand* ME!! i'm that idiot. and u have no right to call me pampered or selfish because my decision to leave my passion, my love n my life in penang is the greatest sacrifice i can ever give anybody. and i chose to give it to my parents. not my boyfren or not to chase a high paying carrier. I am grateful to every cent mom n dad paid thru my studying years and all the moral support they rendered in my rock bottom times. I AM grateful thats why i went againts all odds n ppl advicing me to be selfish n ignore my parents- i said no i will try to make them happy. REMEMBER that fact the next time u want to point fingers at me moron.
I used to be so fun. I use to sparkle and get amazed at small things. i would laugh like a girl n loved people wholeheartedly without biasness. now i cant see light in my eyes. i see hollowness n emptiness resounding in the place where my soul used to be on fire.
After today's fiasco of crying in class i kicked myself n i'm not gonna complain no more. i'm just gonna swallow my pride n soilder on . Mom advice "if u have nothing good to say dont say it at all". Okay, i try to apply this line into my life. I WILL NOT speak evil of my short pathetic teaching life no more for all it brings is conflict n hate n negative feelings. no more!! eww.. begone!! i will survive this shit and pull myself together.
The last thread of happiness i have is my blog. and to stop asking me to blog about my feelings is robbing me of the last thing that keeps me sane.
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