the angry child

today i saw a child during clowning

he was probably 10years the most and had 2 younger siblings.

he was the sulkiest and angriest little person i have ever met.

he had this PERMANENT frown which made him look so sad n old.

his brothers were so enthusiastic to take balloons all jumping around n waiting in line.

and he kept scolding them, he kept frowning.

then i understood why,

later on, his dad came along n very harshly reprimanded them in front of everybody " i hate balloons, dont take, dont be stupid n all sorts of evil words came out"

the older boy pursed his lips even tighter n folded his hands. he was getting scolded for his brothers enthusiasm! and i tot, wow this family is complicated, why so liddat wan?

later that night i recalled the incident n i felt very sad because a good 18 years ago i was that little boy.

i was a very angry, disappointed n frustrated little child.

It was very clear to me that my father favoured my brothers so much more than he loved me.
the first time i got slapped was when my brother dropped his pacifier n started crying. i felt cheated, i felt  cut short of love n all the unfairness continued over the years. their fault n cries would be my burden, my fault my pain.
 sometimes in the night i dreamed that my brothers would die a horrible death n there will be no more rivalry. i treated them very cruely and there was SO MUCH TENSION in the house. all the yelling n fighting went on daily till i was 18!- ask the old neighbours they will testify to my dragon fire ways in the past.
(yes i was so bitter inside that time)

i hated my brothers, i hated my father. i couldn't understand the negativism he had and all the anger he portrayed against me i held in n lashed it out at everybody else. If u hated sch with rules n regulations try living with the head principal ur entire life. studies and everything under scrutiny n pressure to perform. stress nia.

until today i dare not say my relationship with my dad is the best but i feel alot happier when we dont live under the same roof.

he is a good father no doubt and i DO LOVE HIM ok but in many ways there is so much hurt and anger i dont know how to get rid of. how to explain? i dont know. u may not understand if u have a good rational understanding father but we are all not the same. (mary anne might probably understand it all since she watched me grow up and was constantly coming to the house).

i'm not complaining n bitching but i want those who keep pestering me to go home NOW n live with my family to STOP IT.

i am not a terrible daughter. i have a better relationship status with my dad now from afar. i visit every 2 months. we talk n fight as usual n nowadays i give in tolerate so much more than previously.

in fact this is our best times ever since i left house 5 years ago to study n work in penang. 

Distance actually works for our family. i think he is happier that way and so am i. 

If u know both of us well enough u would agree. so stop the judgments and stop the accusations of not being filial.