The past comes back to haunt.

NOW EVERYTHING IS SCREWED UP.

having a REALLY bad pms session.

hormone levels are low and everything seems so depressing .

i feel so alone , miserable n sad. 

i want to curl up n cry n wish somebody would hug me.

i have lost control of functions.

i want to be loved. irony is i cannot receive love anymore.

it all started when i went back to sban it was suppose to be happy n happening but dampened by the fact i ran into memory of 4 of my ex-es (2indirectly 2face to face)!

Bad embarrassing history i thought was dead buried with the past was mentioned RIGHT in my face. and i tot NOBODY KNEW except a few (but they obviously shared the news like their damn right to BCC CNN broadcast it)

after almost 10 years the story came up like repulsive vomit thrown into my face. all i did to forget that incident was now publicly mocking me in the face during that reunion. laughing at my fault. thinking i was the slut/ bitch i was in my foolish youth. i dont know why ppl's memory can be so good when it comes to evil bad things. 

i am so ashamed of my past. i wanna take a magic eraser n UNDO all the mistakes i made in the past. 

ESPECIALLY when it comes to bfs (now dont ask me how many already. MYOB).

I have had my heart played, broken n used but i still go back into the same circle of abuse n distrust.

I have made pretty bad choices in life n hurt many guys in the past with my actions n words. 

I deeply apologize to all of you guys. all of u whom i have purposely hurt for my pleasure and pride, the ignorance of my youth :( one word of apology will never cure the scars i have left. i hang my head in shame n cry tears of remorse. to him who will never forgive me i understand.

and so karma has finally ran its marathon n CAUGHT me by the neck like a dog, shaken me for pleasure, watch me yelp in pain n tears. It is happily torturing me back for all my past sins (all the evil things, all the hurt i think back i shiver in fear at the hardness of my heart i cannot believe hw the same person could commit such unspeakable acts)

Recently i found out that the person i love has found new love i guess, or somebody else to sleep with. the more reason to HATE him rite? but the only person i hate is myself for not letting go. for allowing sadness creep into my heart n sit on the throne reigning as dictator of a ass king! 

*AWARD FOR QUEEN OF DRAMA N SELF PITY GOES TO MISS SANDRA CHEAH*okay, take the award go down stage n fcking slap urself into reality.wth is wrong with you girl?! WAKE UP! he aint never gonna look at u with love in his eyes.Dont hover around hopes like a lost puppy! gosh u are pathetic when ur not on happy juice. Time n time again we must tell u, MOVE on. dont look back, cut all ties . stop acting dumb. accept the facts woi! how we despise it everytime u talk about Mr.X ! macam tape recorder spoilt n on repeat mode. Boring!!!!

okok, in my madness i have talked to myself n physically really slapped myself twice (one on the right the other on the left)

Its 1.28am and i think all the emo-ness has been cured thru writing. the more i write the more i express the BETTER I feel
I have to go study now for my fcking teaching interview. i have 999999999 pages of goddamn history n education values to memorize n regurgitate on interview next week. oh how i hate my life rite now.

to end this emo post i shall show u pictures of ex bf no ___ and his new cny beautiful baby (which makes me feel more jealous ! ppl got family d i dont even have a teaching job. sigh)

dear bloggers, super sandra is not like this all the time. stay with me. kick me when u do see me in real life. thankyouverymuch. (",)